Finally, life is about to have meaning again.
That long, hot summer with its days at the beach and nights drinking with friends, is thankfully a fading nightmare.
The boys of summer have gone and all that is left is your one true love, AFL, greeting you with open, peptide enhanced arms.
Ahead of us lies the AFL season; a vista so beautiful a single tear is running down my cheek as I write this.
Is that a tear of joy or a tear for all those broken hopes and dreams I can see in the future?
Actually, it’s the salty seasoning from a Cheezel that I just accidentally wiped in my eye.
Dammit, it’s all over my keyboard too. This will never come off.
Now I’ve got an orange-stained computer and it’s all over my face.
I look like a member of the Essendon coaching staff after a bad tanning session.
Footy is back and I couldn’t be happier and this season begins with hope for supporters of every team.
Sure, some of it is false hope but even false hope is better than no hope at all.
As a Melbourne supporter, it’s been a long time since I drank from the fountain of false hope and man does it taste sweet.
The footy season is like the Large Hadron Collider. It smashes teams and players together to answer the deepest questions in the universe
This year it will answer big questions like:
Can Hawthorn three-peat and how annoying will that be?
Will Jarrod Waite’s first season at North be amusing, hilarious or OMG I can’t even?
If GWS play a game and nobody is there to see it, did it ever really get played?
Can’t Ollie Wines just be slightly less good? Not awful, just not amazing? It’s still doing my head in that we didn’t draft him.
Will Collingwood return to the finals or will they make the rest of us happy?
Can Fremantle hold it together to help Ross Lyon to another losing Grand Final?
Was I unpopular at school because of my looks, personality or a disastrous combination of both?
Will Gary Ablett return from his shoulder injury the same or will he just be an average 29 possessions per game player?
What’s the over/under on the amount of times we here that Mike Pyke is Canadian?
Why do Channel Seven broadcast a picture quality so low a six-year-old with a mobile phone can beat it?
How many Richmond finishing ninth memes will we see or has the internet finally exhausted them?
Will Patrick Dangerfield stay at Adelaide? Just kidding, where will he decide to go?
If a train leaves Jolimont station at three quarter time, how many Melbourne supporters will be on it?
Which group in society will BT insult this year?
Will Dayne Beams have the sort of year that makes Pies fans beyond angry and how good will that be?
Why do people still bother to write off Geelong?
What are the odds of Mick Malthouse killing Mark Stevens this year?
Does anyone know where my keys are? They’re not next to my bed or on the kitchen bench, hang on; they’re in my pocket. They were there the whole time.
Will Channel Seven have over thirty commentators calling a single game this year?
Which team will Tom Boyd announce he wants to play for next season?
Why do people try to hold social events when the footy is on? What’s wrong with them? Can a law be passed making this illegal?
Starting tonight all these questions will be answered and so much more.
So cancel any plans you had till October, say goodbye to family and friends, footy is back and suddenly life is looking up.