Apr 15, 2024


The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: Round Five


Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.


Melbourne (60) v Brisbane (82)

Sorry for missing the last few weeks. I was on deadline for my new book, had five live shows, and then went to Gather Round.

Gather Round was a blast, the book is now finished, and the live shows were great fun, so much so I’ve added three more in Melbourne.

The first five shows sold out, so if you want to come to these, you can get tickets here.

I will be touring it nationally later in the year.

It would be fair to say all this work meant I bit off more than I could chew, but I’m through it now, and we resume normal programming.

A comedy of errors in this one, when the Dees thought their bye was this round, not the next.

Don’t let the score fool you, Melbourne was more off the pace than it suggests. It only looks somewhat close because Brisbane slowed down in the fourth, which can happen when you’re 43-points up at three-quarter time.

Melbourne is going to need that bye. After a rather hectic schedule, they look exhausted.

Christian Salem went off with an injury and their midfield looked like they’d spent the last two weeks in South Australia at wineries.

Playing three games in thirteen days, two of them on the road seems excessive, but those guys at AFL schedule know what they’re doing I’m sure.

While Melbourne were off, Brisbane were on.

For the first three quarters, Brisbane barely let Melbourne get past halfway on the ground.

It’s possible Melbourne had a forward line out there, but no one saw it on TV.

Brisbane’s midfield treated the Dees with disdain. I thought the moment they got out a label marker and put their names on the ball seemed unnecessary.

One bizarre moment happened late in the game when the Lions were seven goals up. Noah Answerth decided that was a good point to mock Harrison Petty for crying a few years ago.

It prompted Dayne Zorko to say he’d had a quiet word with Answerth about how it wasn’t appropriate, which is like Sepp Blatter telling you to calm down about taking bribes.


Western Bulldogs (67) v Essendon (96)

It was the battle of the unreliable teams, and the Bulldogs proved they were as reliable as your flakiest friend.

In this one, they ghosted after halftime.

The only thing less reliable was the surface at Marvel Stadium, with players slipping over a lot during the night. It’s almost as if having a roof makes it difficult to grow grass.

I can see why the AFL is insisting the Tasmanian Stadium is going to have a roof.

Essendon were coming off a performance so poor it could have been part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s Phase Five.

Yet here the Bombers were, playing with what I would call, an edge.

Essendon’s total dominance made me think, ‘Just how bad are the Bulldogs?’

I mean, they must be incredibly bad.

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Greater Western Sydney (80) v St Kilda (79)

St Kilda sure do like to make things tight. Trailing by 35-points, they booted the last six goals to almost pinch this.

They’ve done this all year, hanging in, sometimes pinching the game, other times narrowly losing.

Like a coffee from an airport café, they are the definition of average.

The Giants would be very disappointed with their last quarter but thrilled with their season so far.

It makes you wonder what would have happened if they’d moved on from Leon Cameron a little earlier.

A concerning moment was when defender Sam Taylor was knocked unconscious in the opening quarter.

It was the substitute James Peatling who proved the difference in the dying moments when he took a mark in defence.

The win means the Giants remain undefeated, and they only have Carlton next week. Easy!

Carlton (98) v Adelaide (100)

Crows fans will be shocked having been helped out by a bad bit of goal umpiring and a review.

Blues fans will be annoyed by the fact the AFL can get decisions wrong in both analogue and digital, but last week it helped them. Such is the mercurial nature of umpiring.

Carlton had their chances in this and instead played a get into jail card.

Adelaide hadn’t looked good all year, but in this one, they remembered they have a forward line.

Taylor Walker hasn’t retired as most of us thought, instead, he kicked four goals, and when it counted, the Crows kicked the last three goals of the game.

Crows fans would be right to wonder where this has been all season.

Carlton fans will be wondering how so many mistakes could be made in the last two minutes. It was like watching a Three Stooges skit.

Gold Coast (109) v Hawthorn (56)

I’m not sure what the Hawks were doing in this.

It certainly wasn’t football.

They seemed largely uninterested in things like tackling or getting the ball.

Most experts view these things as key to winning a footy game, or even being vaguely competitive.

It makes you wonder where the Hawks really are. Wouldn’t it be terrible if they were like this for the next decade?

The Suns enjoyed themselves in this. Playing the role of the Harlem Globetrotters, they found doing the basics made them look like magicians.

It’s hard to read too much into it. Sometimes you get lucky, and your opponent turns up, has a look and decides it all too hard. Port Adelaide (66) v Fremantle (63)

Fremantle will be glad to see the back of Adelaide Oval.

The last fortnight has seen them lose two close games there, meaning they are 3-2 rather than potentially undefeated.

Dockers fans would be familiar with the feeling that nothing ever seems to come easy.

In fact, ‘nothing comes easy’ could be their club motto.

Port struggled all night against the Dockers’ miserly defence, with Ken Hinkley politely requesting Charlie Dixon focus less on the umpiring on more on his opponent at quarter time.

Dixon would lift, but it was hard, as his opponent Alex Pearce was in fine form.

After the game, Dixon said, “He dominated me all night, to be honest. He’s a big, strong man, and I struggled all night on him.”

I’m pretty sure this is a direct quote from Fifty Shades of Grey.


Geelong (139) v North Melbourne (64)

North Melbourne have kept their dream of a winless season alive, in a lacklustre performance on Sunday.

First, the good news, the Kangaroos were dressed as footballers, they came out to song and ran through a banner.

In fact, right up to the first siren, you would have thought they were a real AFL team.

Unfortunately, the game then started, and Geelong commenced a series of training drills, while the Kangaroos watched on and occasionally broke out into applause. 

Jeremy Cameron booted six goals, which according to the Kangaroos/Real AFL team ratio, is worth two goals.

Geelong are just good all the time these days, while North are not. In fact, with the Eagles winning, North might be the worst team in the competition. Either them or Hawthorn.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if it was Hawthorn?

West Coast (109) v Richmond (70)

It’s very early for Richmond’s season to be over.

West Coast, who have been so uncoordinated recently that their footy boots have Velcro, were all over them.

Richmond were without Tim Taranto, Jacob Hopper, Dion Prestia, Noah Balta, Dylan Grimes and Tom Lynch, but normally you could have rolled out your VFL side and still beaten the Eagles.

A big difference was a young guy, who has flown under the radar, Harley Reid.

Reid, who has played five AFL games, has been leading by example and teaching the other West Coast players how to play this great game.

His ability to be good at football, is something they’ve lacked recently, and you could see the other players learning from the way he put in effort and kicked and handballed to his teammates and not his opponents. 

Don’t let the lack of media coverage fool you, this kid is going to be a star!

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Thomas Graeme Wright

Apr 15, 2024

Good to have you back Titus...


Apr 15, 2024

As an Eagles fan I’ll look into this Reid guy. Maybe The West could do an interview with him sometime

Dave Dosser

Apr 15, 2024

Thought you let the dogs and befuddled bevo off very lightly. One eyed dogs fan.

Worst Austalian News

Apr 15, 2024

It's about time Harley Reid got some press. The Worst Austalian Newspaper have only had him on the back page 38 times (fact). Hard for people to know how he is playing with such little coverage

Bernard Weekes

Apr 15, 2024

Hey Titus,
Need to consider a show on the Mornington Peninsula (Rye).

Nifty Nev

Apr 15, 2024

Good to have you Titus, loved your Adelaide show at Gather Round now you need to focus on your weekly critique of games, sharpenup.

John Allison

Apr 15, 2024

Harley Reid? Harley Reid?? Hmmm. Now that you've raised it, I have heard of that name somewhere before.

The g train

Apr 15, 2024

Great to have you back, Titus. No pressure, but you should know we rely completely and utterly on your columns for any sort of happiness. And knowledge.

The Melb vs Bris game was a game of many halves. The first half of the first half of the first half was closely fought; but in the second half of the first half of the first half, Brisbane got on top. The second half of the first half and the first half of the second half was all Brisbane. The first half of the second half of the second half, Brisbane maintained their lead, but then in the second half of the second half of the second half, Melbourne made a spirited response and at least finished well. But Bris won a lot more halves than Melb and deserved the very comfortable victory.

Reg Spartacus

Apr 15, 2024

"three games in thirteen days, two of them on the road" - Oh, the horror!
With love from every team not based in Victoria.

Fat Side

Apr 15, 2024

West Coast proved they are actually better than a VFL team by beating one on Sunday. They've won approximately half a dozen games in the last 3 years, but it was great to see them puffing their chests out like they'd won a final.
I'm not sure how, of the nine umpires in charge of each game, all of whose decisions affect the outcome, only the goal umpires have been neutered to the extent that they have to timidly approach the field umpire and request a review of balls that are hilariously clearly in or out. How long till the goal ump sits at a desk behind the goals, scrolling back and forth on their laptop before they makes a decision?


Apr 15, 2024

Have you been away?
Couldn’t understand why I was doing so well at footy tipping. Ah well fun while it lasted

Son of plugger

Apr 15, 2024

“It’s possible Melbourne had a forward line out there, but no one saw it on TV.” That’s Quantum Mechanics in a nutshell, Titus. Beautifully put.

Or put otherwise, and as noted by William Blake: He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.

WA Bogan

Apr 15, 2024

The Tigers made Jack Darling look good, which is quite a feat!

WA Bogan

Apr 15, 2024

Indeed @FAT SIDE the goal umpires are doing themselves out of a job.

Running Dog

Apr 15, 2024

Hey G Train, that ain't the half of it. My wife reckons I'm a halfwit. But you know what- she's half right.

Score review. Umpire's call is a behind. Please confirm that Titus's day job has not suffered unduly following his World Tour of South Australia, and his quest to convince an elusive young West Coast player to coast over to the other coast and join the Harley Globetrotters.

Decision on scoreboard.

Marine Biologist

Apr 15, 2024

Disappointed Titus, you clearly listened to BT dribbling in the Ch7 commentary. You know 3 games in 13 days is the bog standard draw that’s been in place for decades. If you play Saturday, Saturday & Saturday that’s 3 games in 14 days. Change the last game to Friday, bingo - 13 days. So the Dee’s struggled with football would be a better description. Keep up the good work & turn down the Ch7 commentary

Mosis Syndes

Apr 15, 2024

Yeh ... No O'Reily. 3 games in 13 days is deplorable. And your exemplifying a Vicorian team. Deplorable!


Apr 15, 2024

Enjoyed the comment by the Marine Biologist. I studied the calendar for a while, and he/she is right.
We play a drinking game when BT is dribbling. Every time he says, "Out the back door," we swig. I mentioned this at my last AA meeting.


Apr 15, 2024

“He dominated me all night, to be honest. He’s a big, strong man, and I struggled all night on him.”

I’m pretty sure this is a direct quote from Fifty Shades of Grey.

So, Titus, your cover story that you were busy with comedy gigs, and wrapping-up a new book, is ~ in fact ~ complete bollocks.

You have instead been secreted away in some dingy, grimy hovel in Victoria, reading {re-reading? ;-) } shoddily-written BDSM porn...

... Not that I would "know" it is shoddily-written; I merely quote the reviews...


Apr 15, 2024

[Thought you let the dogs and befuddled bevo off very lightly.]

Agree. It looks like Bevo chose a bad week to give up sniffing glue.

saint peter

Apr 16, 2024

Great to have you back doing what you do best if its possible anything you do can the best. I thought "The G Train" was in 2 minds about which half of the half he was talking about, I got confused so I left it to others.
By the way what have you got against Hawthorn. They know what they are doing. They said it would a decade to get the Hawks back where they belong, so they are on track. Its a shame Sam Mitchell wont be there to see it through.


Apr 16, 2024

"Jeremy Cameron booted six goals, which according to the Kangaroos/Real AFL team ratio, is worth two goals."

According to this ratio the Kangaroos had a great win at the Cattery and confirms Hawthorn are the most rubbish side in the AFL

North Melbourne (192) defeated Geelong (139).. A great win on the road...

Derek Fletcher

Apr 16, 2024

Keep bagging Hawthorn you smartarses while I can keep reminding myself the Hawks have won 13 Flags all in my lifetime.

Luke Duncan

Apr 17, 2024

No Titus, it would NOT be terrible if Hawthorn were like this for the next decade! It would be bloody great!!
I just want the Mighty (once were🤷🏻‍♂️) Bombers to get a premiership or two ahead of the Blues and Pies!!


Apr 18, 2024

Brisbane's Noah Answerth - Has he only got half a lisp? Surely it's either Answers or Antherth.

Peter robinson

Apr 18, 2024

How many clubs have played 3 games in 13 days besides st kilda and melbourne.both thrashed looked vey tired.do we have fair fixture

Big Bad Bustling Buddy

Apr 19, 2024

@Peter Robinson
No, we don't have a fair fixture, and we haven't had for years. 3 games in 13 days should not be an issue for professional sports people - as @Marine Biologist pointed out, in effect this is just idiot commentators coming out with some rubbish to say. (BT and Luke Darcy would be top of the list IMO.)
Of more interest is teams playing the poorer performers twice. Check out Gold Coast's draw and see if any other team can compare.