Apr 29, 2024


The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: Round Seven


Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.


Richmond (42) v Melbourne (85)

It’s been a while since I’ve watched a Melbourne game and wished someone would pick me up and throw me into a volcano to end the suffering.

Yet here I was in the first half watching the Demons and the Tigers butcher the ball with a relentlessness that was painful.

The only time a target was hit, was when it was an opponent.

While some of this was the high pressure, a lot of it was just poor skills coupled with bad decision-making.

It was like watching someone invent that balloon animals show Channel Seven put to air, in real time.

Everyone in the ground was thrilled when the Auskick kids came on. It was the palate cleanser we needed after the first half that left a god-awful taste in our mouths.

The second half saw Melbourne get on top, which really, they should have done earlier, given their list is a lot better than Richmond.

The Dees do have a habit of making some wins feel like losses.


Essendon (85) v Collingwood (85)

And that’s why Ben McKay asked to be traded away from North Melbourne.

So 93,644 people could watch Jamie Elliott use him as a step ladder on ANZAC Day.

And what a mark it was. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about someone jumping onto someone else’s shoulders and catching a ball that makes you feel alive.

Unlike the game from the night before, this was an enjoyable game to watch, with things like highlights and skills.

Even the moments where the game slowed down were due to desperation and skilful defence.

The Bombers got off to a great start, booting the first four goals of the game, a move that had every Essendon fan wondering how they were going to blow this lead.

It turned out they only sort of blew the lead.

Numerous times the Pies did that surge thing they do, and it seemed the Bombers would wilt like they have so many times over the last 25 years.

But then they didn’t. They even showed some fight.

It led to a final ten minutes where both sides traded blows like two TV gladiators hitting each other with those padded poles. It was brutal but no real damage was being done.

Instead, both sides missed chances to win this, and in a win for the majority of football fans, it ended in a draw.

Yet, despite this being a happy outcome, it does appear the Bombers have grown a backbone. Oh well, we’ve had a good 25 years.

My three show run of Sport: The Unauthorised History begins this Friday.

The five shows in March all sold out, so if you want to come to these, you can get tickets here.

Greater Western Sydney (113) v Brisbane (59)

Watching Brisbane on Thursday and you’d think that four-point loss in the Grand Final was a decade ago, not last year.

They looked at times to be confused at what was happening around them, like me, when I was dragged into a Mecca recently, and I just nodded and smiled as the chaos unfolded around me.

The Giants were not confused at all, mainly due to the fact they were creating the confusion.

They ran around the Lions, often going straight through the corridor and the Lions looked too tired to follow them.

They didn’t even really look like Lions, more like that dog people dressed up as a lion in that Chinese Zoo.

Brisbane now sits in 13th spot with a 2-5 record, which according to my highly sought-after algorithm, which uses two Commodore 64s, is bad.

The Giants have no such concerns. They have all these strong, fast midfielders who they seem to produce in a lab somewhere, and when one is traded, four more pop up.


Port Adelaide (82) v St Kilda (72)

After losing by 60 points last week, the Saints desperately needed a courageous loss, and that’s exactly what they got.

The Saints were lucky to get this close.

Port kicked 11.16, with Mitch Georgiades putting together an impressive 1.4 score line.

Add to that, the Power suffered from significant injuries, with Sam Powell-Pepper suffering an ACL injury that will rule him out for the rest of the year.

Connor Rozee also went off with a hamstring, while Aliir Aliir went off with a concussion.

Allir’s concussion was a result of a sling tackle by Jack Higgins, who got a three-week ban. Seems more a reward to not have to play for this team for three weeks.

Next week they’ve got the Kangaroos, and every Saints fan will be looking at that game thinking ‘They surely can’t lose that one’ while simultaneously knowing it's highly likely they can.

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North Melbourne (81) v Adelaide (138)

5,365 people turned up to Crows training in Hobart, which shows you the passion for the sport they have down there.

In a wonderful gesture, the Crows even allowed some of the crowd to dress up in North Melbourne gear and have a kick-to-kick with them.

Alastair Clarkson called for North supporters to be patient, which is not really required. They have been incredibly patient as they’ve watched the club make some disastrous roster decisions.

It’s not really a fan's job to be patient anyway. It’s our job to massively overreact to the smallest of events.  

Clarkson though is a patient person.

I seem to remember him patiently putting a hole in a wall at the MCG and patiently swearing at a 19-year-old umpire adviser during an under-9s game.

So North supporters just need to be patient like Clarko.

Geelong (118) v Carlton (105)

Geelong are really making a mockery of all these teams bottoming out to rebuild.

It’s almost like having a well-drilled, very fit squad, full of players desperate to win is more important that drafting one or two high draft picks.

Sometimes I wonder if having players who can hit a teammate with a kick or handball and can pick up a ball without fumbling are more important than being a great athlete.

The difference was in the key moments, the Cats players handled their business, while the Blues were lacking.

Michael Voss showed the culture change is well underway though. Instead of celebrating a good effort and an honourable win, he seemed downright filthy and said so afterwards.

Usually, the Blues would celebrate like they’d won a Grand Final after a game like this.

Geelong does seem the standard that others must beat. At the start of the season, it appeared they just hadn’t played anyone, but this was a big win.

A big difference was Jeremy Cameron who kicked five goals, including his 600th career goal.

Patrick Dangerfield was in good form too until he did what appears to be another hamstring.

But it’s players like Cameron and Dangerfield that show why the Cats are ahead of the rest of the league, the ability to develop players from within. 

Fremantle (95) v Western Bulldogs (71)

While Western Australia are focused on Harley Reid, the Dockers have unearthed a real prospect in Nat Fyfe.

They’ve normally played him as a forward, but he seems good enough to play in the midfield, as his 37 disposals attest.

The Dockers midfield had a great time on Saturday, with Tom Liberatore a late withdrawal.

With Liberatore out, the Bulldogs didn’t have anyone to get the ball and had to hope the Dockers would turn it over, which they did, but not enough.

Many football experts believe getting the ball is a key part of the game.

It’s a worrying sign for the Dogs. The Dockers lost to the Eagles last week, which usually signifies a stiff breeze could have knocked them over.

Sometimes you just need to lose to West Coast to wake you up a bit.


Gold Coast (112) v West Coast (75)

No Harley Reid, no West Coast would be an incredibly lazy bit of analysis, which is what you’re all here for and why I wrote it.

West Coast's winning streak, which extended to an astounding two wins in a row is now over.

To be fair, the Eagles are coming off their Grand Final, so you’d expect them to be a little flat this week.

Still, West Coast fans will be pleased that this was a bad performance, not a ‘so embarrassing you wish you’d never heard of football’ performance.

Gold Coast just proved too good in the clearances, and their academy is churning out hits to the point it could be renamed Sun Studio.

Jake Rogers was electric in his second game, setting up everything. They have a lot of talent up there.

All the Suns needed to do is get a coach who understands how to take that talent and mould it into a premiership side.

Hawthorn (42) v Sydney (118)

It’s probably for the best that this was buried in the Sunday Afternoon time slot.

Even worse for Hawks fans, they got reminded of better times, when Lance Franklin, Jordan Lewis and Jarryd Roughead appeared before the game, with Buddy saying thank you to Hawks fans.

Things might have gone a lot better if all three had played.

They couldn’t have done worse, as Buddy’s other team belted the suitcases out of them to the tune of 76 points.

Sam Mitchell said after the game, “The margin is worse than the Gold Coast game but ... if you watched it without a scoreboard, you would have said the brown-and-gold boys are having a crack.”

Unfortunately, there was a scoreboard. In fact, two huge ones at the game.

Mitchell was right though, they did have a crack, it was just that when they did, they turned the ball over like it was the aim of the game.

The Swans are not a team you want to keep giving the ball to, they tend to thank you by kicking a lot of goals.

I did think it was poor form when Buddy put on a Swans scarf at half-time though.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Joe Lundy

Apr 29, 2024


the g train

Apr 29, 2024

The greatest satire is when the reader doesn't know when a satirist is being satirical. This is your greatest work, Titus!
Titus once again shows his knowledge of Hindu mythology. "The Giants...have all these strong, fast midfielders who they seem to produce in a lab somewhere, and when one is traded, four more pop up." So, shouldn't The Giants trade midfielders more often?

"Unfortunately, there was a scoreboard. In fact, two huge ones at the game." There are scoreboards everywhere, Titus. Everywhere.


Apr 29, 2024

7 and 0 baby ; 7 and 0.


Apr 29, 2024

Looking forward to next week, when Titus will no doubt write something hysterically funny about all the Port Adelaide people jeering Rory Sloane on his retirement lap

saint peter

Apr 29, 2024

The Saints have been turning the ball over with regular monotony that you'd think they were trained to do it. But it is only a phase we are going through. We need to find players that can handle the heat in the kitchen but no luck of so far. If only we were playing against ourselves then we would be happy with turning the ball over to St.Kilda players.
This week is our GF match. Can we handle the expectations or as usual crumble when the expectations are on us. As Titis says every Saints fan has two thoughts about how the game goes.

Son of Plugger

Apr 29, 2024

Just terrific, Titus.

“So North supporters just need to be patient like Clarko.” A gem of the highest quality, Titus.

A topic for serious discussion: Is T Green better than T Greene?

Mosis Syndes

Apr 29, 2024

Thinking outside the box there, O'Reily re The Chinese Zoo. Dog people dressed as a Lion you say. This would, however, only make Fages more confused than he seemed to be, last Thursday eve!!

Gaius Nodrawbius

Apr 29, 2024

The time has come to end draws in AFL games. The sheer emptiness after watching two warring teams fight to the death, only to have no winner or loser, leaves viewers bereft of the satisfaction in seeing the anguish and heartache in the faces of the players of the losing team. I suggest, if scores are level at full time, in an unlimited period of extra time, have two umpires bounce one ball each in the centre circle - who ever scores first, with either ball, wins the game. Anyway, there’s more than enough umpires now, and having two balls on the field seems quite normal after a behind is scored these days.

Fat Side

Apr 29, 2024

...or better still @gaiusnofrabius, the umpires, who seem to know nothing at all about football during the game, but are entrusted to award football's highest individual honour, can just confer at the end of a drawn game and decide which team is the winner.

Bius Agreebeus

Apr 29, 2024

I’d like to support Gaius’s suggestion of extra time with two balls when scores are level at full time. I’d love to watch the umpires be even more confused than normal. Although, the TV coverage would need to have split screens, and there’d need to be twelve commentators and eight analysts, as opposed to the mandatory six commentators and four analysts.

Fifth umpire

Apr 29, 2024

You OK Titus? I was eagerly awaiting your views on the goal kicked by Port from a mark deep in the left forward pocket. So deep in fact that it was taken above the people in the second row of seats!


Apr 29, 2024

Thanks @FatSide and @BiusAgreebeus. I think no draws in AFL games should no longer be permitted, especially on the now traditional Bombers v Magpies ANZAC Day clash. Although I have a strong belief that there are no winners in war, Wikipedia’s article on the Gallipoli campaign suggests an Ottoman victory. So it should be traditional for at least one loser. Plus, as I’m neither a supporter of Essendon or Collingwood, seeing them both lose would be better. The problem is there’s always a winner and a loser in a two horse race. So how to have both lose in a two horse race? Well, have both neither win or lose, I guess. A draw? There goes my argument for extra time! Still, I’d love to watch footy with two balls on the field, eight umpires, and 12 commentators.


Apr 29, 2024

I’d like to see extra time with no ball on the field at all. The team who first discovers where the umpires have hidden it wins.

Tarax Club

Apr 29, 2024

Tigers v Demons Anzac Eve

Titus this game will never match the hype of the day game. But it has its own magic after dusk when the Sun goes down. Yes the first half was a Clanger fest, on for young and old. Two of those howlers coming from the most experienced players resulted directly in Richmond goals.

Tigers score totalling forty two points was the lowest against the Demons since… Well Norm Smith was still coaching, but Ronald Dale had recently departed to make his own way in the footy firmament.

#42 Disco Turner playing his fourth senior game turned proceedings the Melbourne way with three telling goals.

Forty Two is the answer given by the supercomputer Deep Thought, to the “Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything”.

If Deep Thought was re-programmed to do appearances on the Sunday Footy Show. Kane Cornes would be out of a job, the Velvet Sledgehammer would be speechless and Damo re-assigned to Auskick.

So subtract those two gift goals and we would be going back to when Methuselah was an orange boy to find the lowest score.

Despite the MCG being universally acclaimed as having the ideal dimensions for Australian Rules. Giving players the opportunity to execute their skills in “Space… is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how mindboggingly” bad the foot passing was.

Numerology 🐈‍⬛ fix 04/05/24 7-1

Dips me lid to D. Adams and C. J. Dennis.


Apr 29, 2024

Need a bit more drill down analysis on Damien Hardwick's talk post game about the metric of a "shit goal". Is this the new cutting edge in football analysis??

Lost Sainter

Apr 29, 2024

To hell with Commodore 64. The Vic 20 with cassette tape storage was the go-to for impoverished Sainters of the day (every bloody day).

I asked someone at the AFL what time the St Kilda v North game started. The operative replied: "what time can you get there?"

the g train

Apr 29, 2024

@Fatside and @gaiusnofrabius

"The umpires.... can just confer at the end of a drawn game and decide which team is the winner." Excellent suggestion. The umps confer at the end of each game to decide the best AND fairest player. So, for a drawn game, the umps can confer which team was the fairest and award them the game?


Apr 29, 2024

My fave was the reference to developing players from within, Cameron and Dangerfield. A classic Titus from start to finish. Loud applause!


Apr 29, 2024

In your case, Titus, I'd've thought they were Holden Commodore 64s...

Myk Aussie

Apr 29, 2024

Well Im not excited as my fav teams beat the pathetic Kangaroos! Nicks and Clarkson are the most over rated coaches in the AFL. Nicks has always been average I think and Clarkson is now!


Apr 29, 2024

GAIUS NODRAWBIUS..."The problem is there’s always a winner and a loser in a two horse race"...as Normie Rowe would say; "It ain't necessarily so":
Theo Micro Toon British Stallion Studs E.B.F. Novice Stakes
2YO plus | Class 5 | 7f | Good to Firm | 2 Runners |
Ayaar (IRE)
Odds - 6/4
T: M R ChannonJ: Martin Harley
Tracked leader, pulled out over 1f out, driven to challenge close home, joined leader post
Dead heat
Odds - 1/2
T: M Al ZarooniJ: L Dettori
Led, ridden over 1f out, edged left inside final furlong, joined post
**Footnote Mr. Ira Gershwin: the title of your song is grammatically incorrect, with the Oxford Dictionary stating "ain't" can substitute am not, have not and do not but not is not!

Running Dog

Apr 30, 2024

Gaius Nodrawbius, good idea about having 17 umpires etc in the case of a draw, but too complicated. I reckon if teams are drawn at the end of the game there should be an extra 15 minutes with the AFL having released a leopard onto the playing field. Or at least a dog dressed as a lion. Nobody wants to see players drawn and quartered.

Who Flung Dung

Apr 30, 2024

Remain unconvinced that having two balls on the field is right way to go to settle a draw. With four field umpires on the ground and two holding footies doesn't seem fair the umpires only have two balls collectively between them to play with which could explain why so many umpiring cock ups have been happening in recent weeks.


May 05, 2024

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