Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Wednesday

Richmond (42) v Melbourne (85)

It’s been a while since I’ve watched a Melbourne game and wished someone would pick me up and throw me into a volcano to end the suffering.

Yet here I was in the first half watching the Demons and the Tigers butcher the ball with a relentlessness that was painful.

The only time a target was hit, was when it was an opponent.

While some of this was the high pressure, a lot of it was just poor skills coupled with bad decision-making.

It was like watching someone invent that balloon animals show Channel Seven put to air, in real time.

Everyone in the ground was thrilled when the Auskick kids came on. It was the palate cleanser we needed after the first half that left a god-awful taste in our mouths.

The second half saw Melbourne get on top, which really, they should have done earlier, given their list is a lot better than Richmond.

The Dees do have a habit of making some wins feel like losses.

Thursday

Essendon (85) v Collingwood (85)

And that’s why Ben McKay asked to be traded away from North Melbourne.

So 93,644 people could watch Jamie Elliott use him as a step ladder on ANZAC Day.

And what a mark it was. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about someone jumping onto someone else’s shoulders and catching a ball that makes you feel alive.

Unlike the game from the night before, this was an enjoyable game to watch, with things like highlights and skills.

Even the moments where the game slowed down were due to desperation and skilful defence.

The Bombers got off to a great start, booting the first four goals of the game, a move that had every Essendon fan wondering how they were going to blow this lead.

It turned out they only sort of blew the lead.

Numerous times the Pies did that surge thing they do, and it seemed the Bombers would wilt like they have so many times over the last 25 years.

But then they didn’t. They even showed some fight.

It led to a final ten minutes where both sides traded blows like two TV gladiators hitting each other with those padded poles. It was brutal but no real damage was being done.

Instead, both sides missed chances to win this, and in a win for the majority of football fans, it ended in a draw.

Yet, despite this being a happy outcome, it does appear the Bombers have grown a backbone. Oh well, we’ve had a good 25 years.

My three show run of Sport: The Unauthorised History begins this Friday.

The five shows in March all sold out, so if you want to come to these, you can get tickets here.

Greater Western Sydney (113) v Brisbane (59)

Watching Brisbane on Thursday and you’d think that four-point loss in the Grand Final was a decade ago, not last year.

They looked at times to be confused at what was happening around them, like me, when I was dragged into a Mecca recently, and I just nodded and smiled as the chaos unfolded around me.

The Giants were not confused at all, mainly due to the fact they were creating the confusion.

They ran around the Lions, often going straight through the corridor and the Lions looked too tired to follow them.

They didn’t even really look like Lions, more like that dog people dressed up as a lion in that Chinese Zoo.

Brisbane now sits in 13th spot with a 2-5 record, which according to my highly sought-after algorithm, which uses two Commodore 64s, is bad.

The Giants have no such concerns. They have all these strong, fast midfielders who they seem to produce in a lab somewhere, and when one is traded, four more pop up.

Friday

Port Adelaide (82) v St Kilda (72)

After losing by 60 points last week, the Saints desperately needed a courageous loss, and that’s exactly what they got.

The Saints were lucky to get this close.

Port kicked 11.16, with Mitch Georgiades putting together an impressive 1.4 score line.

Add to that, the Power suffered from significant injuries, with Sam Powell-Pepper suffering an ACL injury that will rule him out for the rest of the year.

Connor Rozee also went off with a hamstring, while Aliir Aliir went off with a concussion.

Allir’s concussion was a result of a sling tackle by Jack Higgins, who got a three-week ban. Seems more a reward to not have to play for this team for three weeks.

Next week they’ve got the Kangaroos, and every Saints fan will be looking at that game thinking ‘They surely can’t lose that one’ while simultaneously knowing it's highly likely they can.

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Saturday

North Melbourne (81) v Adelaide (138)

5,365 people turned up to Crows training in Hobart, which shows you the passion for the sport they have down there.

In a wonderful gesture, the Crows even allowed some of the crowd to dress up in North Melbourne gear and have a kick-to-kick with them.

Alastair Clarkson called for North supporters to be patient, which is not really required. They have been incredibly patient as they’ve watched the club make some disastrous roster decisions.

It’s not really a fan's job to be patient anyway. It’s our job to massively overreact to the smallest of events.  

Clarkson though is a patient person.

I seem to remember him patiently putting a hole in a wall at the MCG and patiently swearing at a 19-year-old umpire adviser during an under-9s game.

So North supporters just need to be patient like Clarko.

Geelong (118) v Carlton (105)

Geelong are really making a mockery of all these teams bottoming out to rebuild.

It’s almost like having a well-drilled, very fit squad, full of players desperate to win is more important that drafting one or two high draft picks.

Sometimes I wonder if having players who can hit a teammate with a kick or handball and can pick up a ball without fumbling are more important than being a great athlete.

The difference was in the key moments, the Cats players handled their business, while the Blues were lacking.

Michael Voss showed the culture change is well underway though. Instead of celebrating a good effort and an honourable win, he seemed downright filthy and said so afterwards.

Usually, the Blues would celebrate like they’d won a Grand Final after a game like this.

Geelong does seem the standard that others must beat. At the start of the season, it appeared they just hadn’t played anyone, but this was a big win.

A big difference was Jeremy Cameron who kicked five goals, including his 600th career goal.

Patrick Dangerfield was in good form too until he did what appears to be another hamstring.

But it’s players like Cameron and Dangerfield that show why the Cats are ahead of the rest of the league, the ability to develop players from within. 

Fremantle (95) v Western Bulldogs (71)

While Western Australia are focused on Harley Reid, the Dockers have unearthed a real prospect in Nat Fyfe.

They’ve normally played him as a forward, but he seems good enough to play in the midfield, as his 37 disposals attest.

The Dockers midfield had a great time on Saturday, with Tom Liberatore a late withdrawal.

With Liberatore out, the Bulldogs didn’t have anyone to get the ball and had to hope the Dockers would turn it over, which they did, but not enough.

Many football experts believe getting the ball is a key part of the game.

It’s a worrying sign for the Dogs. The Dockers lost to the Eagles last week, which usually signifies a stiff breeze could have knocked them over.

Sometimes you just need to lose to West Coast to wake you up a bit.

Sunday

Gold Coast (112) v West Coast (75)

No Harley Reid, no West Coast would be an incredibly lazy bit of analysis, which is what you’re all here for and why I wrote it.

West Coast's winning streak, which extended to an astounding two wins in a row is now over.

To be fair, the Eagles are coming off their Grand Final, so you’d expect them to be a little flat this week.

Still, West Coast fans will be pleased that this was a bad performance, not a ‘so embarrassing you wish you’d never heard of football’ performance.

Gold Coast just proved too good in the clearances, and their academy is churning out hits to the point it could be renamed Sun Studio.

Jake Rogers was electric in his second game, setting up everything. They have a lot of talent up there.

All the Suns needed to do is get a coach who understands how to take that talent and mould it into a premiership side.

Hawthorn (42) v Sydney (118)

It’s probably for the best that this was buried in the Sunday Afternoon time slot.

Even worse for Hawks fans, they got reminded of better times, when Lance Franklin, Jordan Lewis and Jarryd Roughead appeared before the game, with Buddy saying thank you to Hawks fans.

Things might have gone a lot better if all three had played.

They couldn’t have done worse, as Buddy’s other team belted the suitcases out of them to the tune of 76 points.

Sam Mitchell said after the game, “The margin is worse than the Gold Coast game but ... if you watched it without a scoreboard, you would have said the brown-and-gold boys are having a crack.”

Unfortunately, there was a scoreboard. In fact, two huge ones at the game.

Mitchell was right though, they did have a crack, it was just that when they did, they turned the ball over like it was the aim of the game.

The Swans are not a team you want to keep giving the ball to, they tend to thank you by kicking a lot of goals.

I did think it was poor form when Buddy put on a Swans scarf at half-time though.

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