Understanding Switzerland and its legal system

With the 34 Essendon players appealing the Court of Arbitration for Sport decision to a Swiss court, it’s time to get across that country and its legal system.

Having read a lot of social media, a lot of you seem to already be experts on Swiss law but this may help you brush up anyway.

Once you’ve read this, feel free to offer strong opinions on the case and make sure you say ‘de novo’ a lot so you sound like an expert.

‘De novo’ is of course one of those furniture sellers on Bridge Road in Richmond.

  • Switzerland, which is where most Swiss people live, is officially known as the Swiss Confederation and is in Europe, a once successful continent located west of China
  • Basically, Switzerland is full of hidden Nazi gold trains, chocolate factories and snow
  • It’s has produced such famous people as Roger Federer, Martina Hingis and Renée Zellweger’s dad
  • Switzerland has four official languages: German; French, Italian and Romansh. This means Essendon fans need to learn ‘Stand by Hird’ and ‘giant conspiracy’ in four new languages
  • The Swiss are unfamiliar with the AFL, with their national sport being yodelling
  • Switzerland’s legal system is founded on the Constitution, not the AFL’s, the Swiss one
  • Weirdly, the Swiss legal system doesn’t recognise the ‘good bloke’ defence that operates in Australian sport
  • ‘It’s the vibe’ is also not a legitimate argument in Swiss law, despite it being recognised in other jurisdictions like ‘Big Footy’ and ‘Bomberblitz’.
  • The Swiss Federal Tribunal will hear the case and will hear it in French, mainly just to make things even more difficult for AFL reporters who struggle with court cases in English
  • Fines in Switzerland are measured in Lindt chocolate and Rolex watches (real ones, not the ones given to Australian parliamentarians)
  • A failure here leaves relocating to Russia as the only avenue for the Essendon Football Club

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  1. diggydaz

    TitusOReily gold!!! Watch the love come in from conspiracy theorists

  2. lenphil29

    TitusOReily not one crowbarred swisse vitamins reference, were you even trying

  3. Nick Burke

    Noel Burke Hayley Burke Mallory Burke Michael Howden LOL U0001f602

  4. gary_stirling

    TitusOReily how nearly 4 years ago the Swiss legal fraternity saw the supplements story break and thought ” we should get in on this”

  5. Horrie Chunter. Real bloke.

    So the latest legal challenge is being funded by an insurance company, which is funded by you and I. So now we’re all funding the cheats!

  6. Snert Underpant

    Given that Essendon’s arguments to date have had more holes than a Swiss cheese, this seems an appropriate place to put this saga to rest.

  7. Hugo Von Winterhalter

    Switzerland also has the largest laboratory in the world. Maybe the Bomber’s hierarchy should pay a visit to see how they keep their lab records.

  8. Bonjour_Pippy

    TitusOReily How fortuitous of them to have sent Hird to France, he can at least translate & be heard.

  9. Daniel Kowal

    Was thinking… What are the positives of going to Switzerland for Essendon? Then I thought.. They’re flag is one.

  10. pies016

    ChrisKaias TitusOReily I think there are a few mounts who use selective understanding.

  11. pies016

    ChrisKaias TitusOReily journos not mounts. I’m pushing the reply button too early.

  12. bookshopaddict

    ChrisKaias TitusOReily The Swiss not recognising the ‘good bloke’ defence is a great line.

  13. Sean Lyons

    Can understand the “good bloke” being inadmissable as hearsay, however is testimony from a players mum/girlfriend or wife normally deemed OK as evidence by the court?

  14. Johnno31

    “The Swiss Federal Tribunal will hear the case and will hear it in French, mainly just to make things even more difficult for AFL reporters who struggle with court cases in English”   Maybe that is why St James spent that time in France – selflessly learning the language to help his boys with their appeal.  What a fabulous caring guy.

  15. Matt Swannie

    Titus O’Reily – my observations are as follows: – (1) the liberal peppering of any conversation with the term “De Minimis” also gets you a long way in discussions with pseudo-lawyers (i.e. delusional Essendoom supporters; (2) AFL Reporters generally struggle with English (& sometimes even David Schwartz’s version of it) fullstop – not just during court cases; (3) Wash your mouth out – I believe the current term de jour is ‘ripping bloke’ not just “good bloke”; and (4) Your final bullet-point is salient … we pray. Other than that – spot on – good job!

  16. Jason Nichols

    This is beautifully written. Only one point needs to be added. Essendon may try the ‘Oh Carn’ defence. That’ll work as well as the rest of the drivel they have come up with

  17. Ciarán Wilcox

    Belle Katavatis The Woewodin-Brownlow Incident may be difficult to translate.

  18. Edna Merkle

    I wish I hadn’t just taken a Valium before I read that Matt. I feel dizzy and quite confused.

  19. Andrew Miksad

    “It’s the vibe” – Dennis Denuto’s killer argument 😉

  20. Matt Swannie

    Edna Merkle(null) Dear Edna – my heartfelt apologies. If it makes you feel any better – I became dizzy and confused whilst penning my missive. Best of luck with your slumber. #teniràHird

  21. doodledogs1960

    TitusOReily je crois en
    tribunal suisse federeal

  22. doodledogs1960

    Clarkey_73 TitusOReily I believe in
    federeal Swiss court

  23. 72nivek

    TitusOReily I appreciate your effort, but I will be sticking to Robbo for my expert advice. 🙂

  24. crob1470_cheryl

    TitusOReily will this then be the end of it? Please say yes…..

  25. Matt Rasmussen

    If the “good bloke defence” is out then Hodgey is probably going to spend longer on the sidelines than Jobe! Look out Russia here I come!

  26. Christian Outhred

    They. Are. Flag. Is. One.
    What does this mean?

  27. Joanne Everett

    Swiss labs. Found Polonium in Arafats body, created a ghost and worst of all found modern cheese making process made Swiss cheese less Swiss. How many holes are there in a slice of Essendon AFL Red and Black, sashed processed Aussie Delight? I will not get into Physics here.

  28. Aidan Twomey

    Essendon should draft in William Tell, he will get to the core of their problem!

  29. Janine Jucker

    ‘Fines in Switzerland are measured in Lindt chocolate and Rolex watches’ – can verify

  30. Wouter Moormann

    Janine one of the funniest comments i read – ‘seems like an appropriate place to ha ve the hearing seeing as their argument has more holes than swiss cheese’

  31. Gus19

    It’s true. A mate was caught 3km over the speed limit and fined 350 Lindts.

  32. SkillsyOz

    Eugene de la Hot-Croix Bun to prosecute in Romansh – It might be a language Robbo understands and can write elegantly in.

  33. Choofter

    I thought they still did trial by ordeal over there. Something like you know, put an apple on the accused head and shoot at it with an arrow at a 120 paces. The archer hits the apple and the accused goes free. I guess an appeal would be done with the archer blindfolded.

  34. CadXbow

    Johnno31 St James did get a little mixed up on one occasion, when he meant to ask a young French lass for ‘bread’ but used ‘breed’ instead.

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