With the 34 Essendon players appealing the Court of Arbitration for Sport decision to a Swiss court, it’s time to get across that country and its legal system.
Having read a lot of social media, a lot of you seem to already be experts on Swiss law but this may help you brush up anyway.
Once you’ve read this, feel free to offer strong opinions on the case and make sure you say ‘de novo’ a lot so you sound like an expert.
‘De novo’ is of course one of those furniture sellers on Bridge Road in Richmond.
- Switzerland, which is where most Swiss people live, is officially known as the Swiss Confederation and is in Europe, a once successful continent located west of China
- Basically, Switzerland is full of hidden Nazi gold trains, chocolate factories and snow
- It’s has produced such famous people as Roger Federer, Martina Hingis and Renée Zellweger’s dad
- Switzerland has four official languages: German; French, Italian and Romansh. This means Essendon fans need to learn ‘Stand by Hird’ and ‘giant conspiracy’ in four new languages
- The Swiss are unfamiliar with the AFL, with their national sport being yodelling
- Switzerland’s legal system is founded on the Constitution, not the AFL’s, the Swiss one
- Weirdly, the Swiss legal system doesn’t recognise the ‘good bloke’ defence that operates in Australian sport
- ‘It’s the vibe’ is also not a legitimate argument in Swiss law, despite it being recognised in other jurisdictions like ‘Big Footy’ and ‘Bomberblitz’.
- The Swiss Federal Tribunal will hear the case and will hear it in French, mainly just to make things even more difficult for AFL reporters who struggle with court cases in English
- Fines in Switzerland are measured in Lindt chocolate and Rolex watches (real ones, not the ones given to Australian parliamentarians)
- A failure here leaves relocating to Russia as the only avenue for the Essendon Football Club