People of Australia

As your favourite sportsperson, I wanted to send you all a quick message of thanks ahead of my soon-to-be amazingly successful Australian Open campaign.

While at times, your unwavering loyalty is cloying and frankly embarrassing, it does help me whenever I feel like giving up. So, most matches.

I want you to know that I’m incredibly focused on this year’s Australian Open and intend to give 100 per cent effort, 43 per cent of the time.

It may surprise you though that a very small minority of Australians don’t like me. Weird, huh?

How could anyone not like me? I’m great.

The greatest Australian tennis player of all time, if you ask my Dad.

People at the Sin City nightclub also seem to really like me. Especially when I pay for drinks.

I guess all the haters out there don’t like me because they’re jealous.

They wish they had the gift of being amazingly talented at something and could then just waste it.

Yeah, that’s probably it.

I guess it could be losing my licence in that yellow Ferrari may have affected people’s opinion.

And perhaps getting a lap dance on stage at a nightclub during Schoolies wasn’t great either.

Oh, and that time Tennis Australia cut my funding for a lack of effort or when I got suspended that time for walking off during a match at the Perth Futures tournament could have cooled the Aussie love.

But then it could have been when I rejected having a practice hit with Lleyton Hewitt.

Wait a second, could it be that time my Dad assaulted my hitting partner?

It all seems so unlikely.

Must be the fact they’re just jealous.

Yeah, that’s it.

Anyway, see you out on the town after the first round.

Bernard