Dear Melissa

I must admit, I was completely unaware you were in Australia on a one women charm offensive until, it seems, the wheels came completely off.

If I can be completely honest with you Melissa (and I think we have that kind of relationship) I’d forgotten you even existed.

Now, however, I’m thrilled you’ve re-entered our lives.

You see Angel, as I still like to call you, your self-important rant filled me with such amusement, I’ve been happy all week.

My favourite quote of yours was this:

“If they have nothing intelligent to say, please don’t speak to me any more. I’d rather be having a croissant and an espresso in Paris or walking my French bulldog in New York City.”

It’s just pure genius. If you locked the best PR agency in the world in a room with the best speechwriters on Earth for a year, they couldn’t get a more perfect quote to make someone instantly seem like a pompous try hard.

I mean using ‘Paris’ then juxtaposing it with the ‘French’ in front of ‘bulldog’ is spectacular. Also, both the examples you cite are not that amazing. I mean, basically you’re impressed by having a coffee and walking a dog. That fact it’s in New York or Paris is nice but there are millions of people who have done both these things in both these cities. I guess you’re just letting us know you’re deeply impressed by rather banal activities if they occur in large metropolises.

It’s easy to see why you’ve ended up with such a pronounced sense of self-importance, what with the D-grade TV career and all.

Being so upset about people bringing up the show that launched your ‘career’ (let’s just agree to call it that to speed things up) is totally understandable.

Why would you want to show any gratitude to an opportunity that enabled you, a below average actor, to make a very good living and not end up managing a Red Rooster as you were previously destined?

It’s far better to metaphorically spit in the eye of the country that gave you your rather privileged life and give them the finger while you’re at it.

After all Angel, the effort of having to act politely would be a challenge far beyond your rather limited thespian range. It seems your ability to act like a nice person is on par with your ability to do American and British accents.

Sadly, I feel this might be the last we in Australia get to see you in the flesh for some time. What a shame that is. Give my best to the French Bulldog.

Safe trip back to Paris or New York and I want you to know that as you leave our shores, you leave behind a whole continent that is laughing at you.

Best

Titus