Dear Australia

Many of you woke up this morning to the shocking news that marijuana was found in my serviced penthouse apartment.

I know this news is surprising and has probably shaken you to the core. For this, I apologise.

The drugs were found by cleaners, who reported it and seriously, what are the odds?

What sort of hotel cleaner doesn’t just pocket it? I bet this has never happened before in the history of time.

One of the consequences of my transgression is I’ve been asked to leave the Star Casino where I had been living.

I’d like to apologise to the Star Casino. I’m certain drugs have never entered their premises before.

Star Casino has such an amazing reputation for high moral values and class and now I’ve gone and trashed all that.

I’d also like to say sorry to my sponsors KFC and Vodaphone. While KFC’s business model actually revolves around people having the munchies, this doesn’t excuse their faux-punk spokesperson breaking the law.

While marijuana is a gateway drug that leads to KFC, it doesn’t make it right.

To Vodaphone, I offer a conditional apology. The main reason I needed drugs was to deal with being on the Vodaphone network. Are we calling it a network? Seems a stretch.

Lastly, I’d like to say sorry to The Voice and all its fans. Smoking weed is never the answer, unless you have to spend an enormous amount of time with Delta Goodrem, Seal and Ricky Martin.

The endless positivity and banality just killed me. I tried alcohol but got in trouble for being drunk on television.

So I started smoking marijuana.

Suddenly, pretending to like these people didn’t seem so bad.

Delta’s oddness became appealing, Seal’s constant stories about Heidi Klum became strangely comforting and Ricky’s boundless positivity and crushingly tranquil nature became bearable.

So, sorry Australia. While I’m keen to trade off my image as the ‘alternative guy’, I’ve got a lot of commercial contracts to uphold.

For endangering them, I’m truly sorry.

Rock on

Joel Madden

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