The work Christmas party is a terrific way to celebrate with a bunch of people you are mainly indifferent to, a few you actually don’t mind and those you've attempted to run over in the car park.
One thing this special night does, is offer a chance to make bad choices which can affect your career, love life, physical well being and sense of self worth. Few events give you all this at once.
Here’s how to make the best bad choices this year.
Alcohol
Alcohol is to bad choices what steroids are to a professional cyclist: essential.
With enough alcohol in your system, you can make better bad choices and plenty of them.
Start drinking early and mix your drinks. Spirits? Beer? Wine? Why not? Suggest shots the moment you arrive.
It’s also good to provide a constant update to everyone on how much you’ve had to drink. This especially impresses bosses.
You should also call anyone not drinking ‘soft’, even Beverly from accounts receivable who is eight months pregnent.
Romance
Two things help immensely when hooking up with someone; proximity and intoxication. In the history of time, only 6 percent of relationships have begun sober.
Hooking up with someone from your work is always a good idea, doing it drunk and in front of the entire organisation is even better.
Good options here include: a Board member, several people from the Diversity Team, your boss’ boss, your boss’ spouse and most importantly, anyone who works in a desk next to yours.
All these options are great bad choices. Do not do this subtly. Start throwing yourself at the person early on, no matter who is around.
When you do finally hook up, the dance floor is a good place. If you can get everyone else to leave the dance floor because you’ve made them uncomfortable, you get extra points.
Discussing Work
Once you've got enough alcohol in your system to preserve a dead elephant, it’s time to discuss with senior management what you’d be doing if you were running things.
The less you know about a topic, the more valid your views are. Don’t worry about facts and speak loudly. There’s nothing management enjoys more than a drunken critique of how badly they are running things.
Interrupt Speeches
Speeches at a work function are terribly boring. What everyone really wants is for someone (you) to make frequent interruptions and provide a general running commentary. Interrupting the CEO’s speech will do your career wonders.
Don’t go for creativity here, always make the obvious joke and laugh at your jokes first and for the longest.
As people are individually thanked during the speech, yell out things like ‘who do you have to sleep with to get a thank you’.
Dancing
What your co-workers really want for Christmas is for you to share your God-given dance talents with them.
You need to own the dance floor. Dance with everyone and by yourself. Be the first on the dance floor. Seriously consider break dancing. Demand to be in the centre of any circle.
Attempt the Tango with someone, even if they are resistant.
Leave Memorably
Your exit is key. While its unlikely that you've gone unnoticed if you've done all the above, you still want to be remembered.
Losing an item of clothing is a good idea and attempting to take some alcohol with you is a even better. Grab several bottles of spirits from behind the bar.
Follow the above tips and you’re well on your way to be remembered at your work for a very long time.
And remember, have fun.
COMMENTS
Barb Alger
Dec 16, 2014
Soo funny- big fan of Titus
thecattery
Dec 18, 2015
OH YEAH perfect timing about to go to my crappy annual party. Keep up the good work.
Joshua Hutchinson
Dec 18, 2015
Tim Barry he doesnt just do sports.
Tim Barry
Dec 18, 2015
Some of his best!
Zaaron Migliore
Dec 18, 2015
Some prep work for you Peter Banfield
Stej Bosnjak
Dec 18, 2015
So we mere mortals get a taste of what AFL players experience every weekend?
Snert Underpant
Dec 18, 2015
Sound advice Titus. Although from person experience I had a lot of success by stripping down to my underwear whilst balancing two beers on my head (albeit briefly) whilst yelling "show us your tits!" To the CEO's daughter.
Chris Dorn
Dec 18, 2015
Don't forget that you also have to make sure that you make good friends with the toilet bowl at some stage during the night. A few hugs and even a bit of mouth-to-mouth never did anybody any harm.
Jason Sanderson
Dec 18, 2015
Stephen D'Arcy for you to try tonight at yours
Jackson Alexander Woodward
Dec 18, 2015
Hahah we've all been there U0001f623
Matt Richardson
Dec 18, 2015
Liam Spencer Pack - do this.
Jackson Bukor
Dec 18, 2015
Careful Dylan George Sarangan Selvendran
Geoff Schaefer
Dec 18, 2015
I personally recommend throwing up in the punch bowl and then asking if anybody needed a drink worked for me.
Liam Spencer Pack
Dec 18, 2015
All good suggestions
Stephen D'Arcy
Dec 18, 2015
Classic. I'll take notes
Peter Banfield
Dec 18, 2015
All over it.
Steve Roney
Dec 18, 2015
What's a work Christmas Party?
A foreign concept to our management.
Daniel Playsted
Dec 18, 2015
Callum Marini this reminds me of you
Adam Daunt
Dec 18, 2015
Anita Daunt you could've used this
Tyler Winton
Dec 18, 2015
Chloe Roesler haha
Jo Lees
Dec 18, 2015
Lauren, Dino, Sarah. Lol!
Ash Collins
Dec 18, 2015
Alyse Sandrin did you write this guide? 'Suggest shots the moment you arrive'
Belinda Reid
Dec 18, 2015
Rachel Roberts Steph Faye they need to add 'throw your Bon Bon toy at your bosses head' U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602
Steph Faye
Dec 18, 2015
hahahahahahaha I told my mum that story Rach! She thinks you're a legend.
Belinda Reid
Dec 18, 2015
Whenever I remember that story I actually laugh out loud. Who does that??!!
Geoff Schaefer
Dec 18, 2015
Yes Ash, but you can only do it once...
Alyse Sandrin
Dec 18, 2015
Nah man. I was a victim
Joshua Ramsay
Dec 18, 2015
Our night, YESSS
Pete Aloisi
Dec 18, 2015
The discussing work section was pretty spot on haha
Chloe Roesler
Dec 18, 2015
Haha ?? I'm well behaved
Tyler Winton
Dec 18, 2015
Apart from drunken recruiting of employees ha
Rachel Roberts
Dec 18, 2015
shhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Let's never repeat this again, and let's hope my victim doesn't remember next year!
Steph Faye
Dec 18, 2015
soooooo I shouldn't have emailed him about it this morning?
Chloe Roesler
Dec 18, 2015
Hahaha excellent scouting for potential interested employees
Daniel Rawnsley
Dec 18, 2015
Jade Mortlock I'll give you $50 for each one of these you pull off tonight. I've already put aside $100
Grant Coles
Dec 18, 2015
Sammy Kilroy - dome handy tips for next year
Aleks Nawrocki
Dec 18, 2015
Stolen this from my book, clearly...
Matt Swannie
Dec 18, 2015
Just keepin' it real
Laura Evans
Dec 18, 2015
I've taken notes
Matt Swannie
Dec 18, 2015
Preparation is important here. Leave nothing to chance
Narelle Gregory
Dec 18, 2015
Who is this person?!
Liam Dolbey
Dec 18, 2015
Actually banter David Howard Keelhaul Howard
Danny Meehan
Dec 18, 2015
Gigi Silk this is fantastic
Hannah Watson
Dec 18, 2015
Philippa Statkus Bethany Dunbar Elise Pirga Natasha Harding Clarke Rita Fordham Michelle Horrocks Kirryn Phillips some good tips here U0001f44cU0001f3fc
Bethany Dunbar
Dec 18, 2015
That's awesome Han! Loving the 'interrupt speeches' tip. We do that year round! Lol U0001f61d
Hannah Watson
Dec 18, 2015
lol so true
Rad Damjanovic
Dec 18, 2015
Finding out the cheese platter makes an excellent frisbee is the moment you achieve your career zenith Nicky Pearce
David Howard
Dec 18, 2015
Sober night -
Nicky Pearce
Dec 18, 2015
Or falling out of a taxi on to your face...
Same same...
U0001f915
Stephen D'Arcy
Dec 18, 2015
Jason Sanderson, I completed the list. What do I win?
Jason Sanderson
Dec 18, 2015
Haha that's great news. I would assume you win a position in the Centrelink line
Sera Draper
Dec 18, 2015
So which one did you make fish?
Kelly Justyna
Dec 18, 2015
Which one didn't he U0001f64a
Simon Tha Barista
Dec 19, 2015
Hahahahaha ah man 'Beverly from accounts receivable' and 'losing an item of clothing' are up there for me.
Rad Damjanovic
Dec 19, 2015
Haha...I like the cold hard "genuine" facts where only 6 per cent of relationships have begun sober...
Sophie Du Bois
Dec 19, 2015
Nick DuBois you've ticked off a few of these...
Tim Harrington
Dec 20, 2015
Dubes this is you to a T
Dave Woolsey
Dec 20, 2015
Don't rap about colleagues?
Matti Schwarz
Dec 20, 2015
thought you might appreciate this ;) xx Gryphon Bramich
Mark Jenkins
Dec 20, 2015
"One thing this special night does, is offer a chance to make bad choices which can affect your career......... Few events give you all this at once' - are you forgetting the Brownlow Titus O'Reily? (the gift that keeps on giving!
Gryphon Bramich
Dec 20, 2015
Haha oi I will definitely take note, thats some great advice U0001f609 xxx
Matti Schwarz
Dec 20, 2015
maybe don't take it too literally hey ;) xxx
Jackson Bukor
Dec 21, 2015
we should have read this