The Rio Olympics are almost here and while many are quick to point out the problems the city is currently experiencing, a few simple steps will keep you safe and maximise your enjoyment of the games.

• At all times, travel with your security detail of 30 people. Only leave your armoured car when they say it’s safe to do so
• Only consume food and water you brought from home
• Win over locals by showing off your mastery of Spanish at every opportunity
• One of the easiest ways to stay safe in Rio is to not go there
• Much like in your own country, poor people are best avoided
• Rio’s police are more dangerous than the criminals. Be sure to take plenty of bribe money if you do encounter them
• Carry your money in a money belt under your clothes like everyone else is told to do, so thieves know where it is
• Avoid any of the venues hosting Olympic events
• Ensure you carry details on you at all times of who should be contacted when you’re kidnapped
• No matter what anyone tells you, golf should not be in the Olympics
• Rio’s crumbling infrastructure mean it’s best to avoid things like roads and buildings
• Make no outward show of your wealth. Instead, dress in rags, don’t wash and ensure you are suffering from malnutrition to avoid becoming a target for thieves.
• Make sure the person you’ve entrusted to pay your ransom will pay it
• If you accidentally drink the water in Rio, sit down and write out your will
• Try to minimise your exposure to Rio’s air pollution by only breathing when absolutely necessary
• While there are simple precautions you can take, you’re totally getting the Zika virus

Titus O’Reily is doing a live show 2^nd September at Yarraville Laughs. Tickets on sale now at http://www.yarravillelaughs.com/gig/titus-oreily