An independent investigation by FIFA, into FIFA, has found that football’s governing body has never done anything wrong, says FIFA.

The investigation into the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, cleared FIFA of accepting enormous bribes to award the tournaments to Russia and Qatar.

“I’ve never had anyone killed,” said President of FIFA Sepp Blatter before the interview started, which was odd and a bit creepy.

“This investigation, which we massively limited in scope and then released a cut down, highly edited version, shows FIFA is a beacon of integrity in a sea of corruption.”

“It upsets me personally that a country as synonymous with football as Qatar can have its good name questioned.

“Their commitment to football can be seen by the amount of foreign workers they’re willing to kill to see hotels and stadiums built.

“I don’t see countries like US, Japan, Korea and Australia showing that sort of passion.”

Hans-Joachim Eckert, chairman of the adjudicatory chamber of FIFA's independent ethics committee, said the FIFA report weirdly said everything FIFA would want it to say.

“What are the odds? It’s like the summary was written before the investigation even began.”

“Now that’s all sorted, I have to move some money I inherited out of a small country on the Arabian Peninsula. Is this something you could help me with? Do you have PayPal?”

Qatar Football Association President Sheikh Hamad Bin Khalifa Bin Ahmed Al Thani said he was thrilled everything had been cleared up just like Sepp Blatter said it would over a year ago.

“The independent investigation by FIFA was money well spent, not that I’m saying we contributed money to it.”

“That would be crazy, why would you bring that up? Oh, you didn’t? I thought you did. Let’s move on. Have you ever owned a Ferrari? No? It’s your lucky day.”

Sheikh Hamad said he was now keen to truly test the limits of footballers under extreme heat.