The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) says it is only guilty of loving football and widespread, breathtaking corruption.

Speaking from their multi-million dollar headquarters in Zürich, President Sepp Blatter said he expected the US Justice Department and the F.B.I. to only find FIFA officials guilty of ‘caring too much.’

“This investigation only hurts the people who rely on our regular bribes to support their lavish lifestyles.”

“If you really think about it, we are a welfare organisation for really rich people. The US government and us are therefore not that different you see?”

Mr Blatter said if maintaining his position of power through a complex system of bribery is wrong, he never wants to be right.

“Everything I’ve ever done has been driven by a deep love of football, power and wealth.”

“This includes putting our flagship event in a place where homosexuality is illegal, workers are abused and regularly die and the temperature never drops below thirty degrees.”

FIFA said an independent report into corruption that they actually did, had already fully cleared them of any wrongdoing.

“Our independent report that we did into ourselves was very clear, we have done nothing wrong, ever,” said Senior Vice-President Issa Hayatou.

“That report cost us a lot of money, it had really nice photos and was printed on really shiny paper.”

“They can’t investigate us again, it’s Double Jeopardy, like that movie with Ashley Judd and Tommy Lee Jones.

“What’s Ashley Judd up to these days anyway? She was great in Heat.”

A FIFA spokesperson said they were hopeful to settle this matter quickly.

“As a gesture of our desire to co-operate with authorities, I have several rather large suitcase full of money for both the FBI and the Justice Department. Just tell me where and when.”