We’ve had some good times, Australia. Some great times.

All that winning, amusing shenanigans, text scandals and dieting pills.

Through it all though, our relationship’s been strong. No matter what, we’ve known deep down we love each other.

But lately, I feel things have gone a bit of the rails. I think it’s time I explain what’s been happening.

Look, you all know, I’ve got a lot going on right now. Retirement is a hard thing for a man like me to face.

The last thing I needed was Marlon Samuels coming out and criticising me in the Age. Luckily, being the Age, few people read it but still.

Doesn’t he get how hungry I am? I haven’t eaten properly in years.

Kate Moss is meant to have once said, ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’ I’m beginning to think Kate never had a Zinger burger and those chips with the chicken salt on them.

And the pressure! You think Liz is going to stick with me if I put the pounds back on?

Don’t worry about guessing the answer, she’s been pretty clear about it at home.

I think her exact words were, ‘You get fat, I get gone.’

You’ve seen her attack reporters. She’s crazy. Not fun-crazy but scarey-crazy.

I guess she’s just hungry too.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the old Warnie, a pack of fags, some takeaway, the odd random threesome caught on camera.

But you can’t go back. Life goes on. Now I’m just a fit, tanned, famous multi-millionaire engaged to a movie star. I guess you can’t have it all.

Don’t feel sorry for me, though. Old Warnie’s been around the block a few times, he can handle it.

Only the next time I do something really crazy, just pause and imagine me at home in my mansion, cuddling on the couch with Liz and think, ‘I bet he’s really, really hungry.’

Thanks, Australia.