Hi Guys

I’ve got to admit, I’ve got mixed feelings over becoming Coach of this team. I’m obviously thrilled to receive the honour of coaching Australia, but it’s not in the best of circumstances.

Not the fact Mickey Arthur got sacked. I couldn’t care less about that.

It’s the fact that as coach I’ve inherited you guys. A bunch of blokes so shambolic you make Melbourne Football Club seem, well, like the Australian cricket team ten years ago.

Some of you probably saw my media conference with a sad sack, Michael Clarke, yesterday.

Could he have looked any less pleased?

Tell me what’s so bad about his life? The only negative I can see is he’s not a very good captain. Cheer up, Pup.

I said a lot of things to the idiots in the media, but let’s get one thing straight: if I catch one of you drinking Diet Coke, you’ll be out.

The Australian Cricket team drinks beer. Not light beer either. Or that imported crap. I like the temperature in our dressing room set to an even 1950.

We’re even sponsored by VB. Let’s enjoy it.

I mean what’s the point of Diet Coke? If you’re on a diet, have water or whatever it is miserable skinny people drink.

Why would you want to be skinny anyway? It just looks cold.

Now Mickey was fun while he lasted and you all took advantage of that, but I see myself more like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Kindergarten Cop.

A ruthless disciplinarian who discovers that deep down he just wants to teach primary school.

People got angry about the homework scandal, but I got angry that he asked you all for your opinion.

Who cares about your opinion? You don’t win anything. What are you going to tell anyone?

‘Here are some tips on how to be not very good a cricket?’ That’s about all you’ve got.

And what’s with this social media nonsense? In my day we used SMS and nobody ever got in trouble.

From here on in, we are going to be focused on winning and having a beer afterwards to talk some more about winning.

There is to be no drinking alcohol within four hours of a match starting (unless it’s against Bangladesh or the Dutch).

We will also be dropping all that ‘fitness’ nonsense and getting back to cricket. If any of you were any good at being fit you’d be playing AFL or NRL.

Anyway, can’t wait to start working with you all.

Team meeting is tomorrow bright and early at 11:30 before a quick counter meal.

Regards

Darren