Channel Nine management have taken the extraordinary step of apologising to all Australians ahead of another summer of cricket commentary.
"After last season, we thought that asking the guys to inject more of their personalities into the game was a terrible mistake," said a Channel Nine spokesperson.
"Unfortunately, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, so we've decided we needed to apologise in advance for the banality and countless cringe-worthy moments we are about to unleash on our viewers."
Viewers said they welcomed the apology but would prefer a more holistic solution along the lines of 'competent commentators.'
"Saying sorry is nice and all but I still have to listen to this nonsense,” said Barry Jenkins, 84, a lifelong cricket fan.
“What happened to the days of Richie and the crew? Those days seem so far gone now.
"A TV can only take so many VB cans being thrown at it before it breaks. Especially these new thin ones they build in China."
Jessica Clements, nine, said she was a new cricket fan and thought the commentary reminded her of Anthony, her drunk and spectacularly hopeless uncle.
"Anthony says inane things a lot and his jokes are both obvious and belong in the 1950s, he’d fit right in,” she said.
“The difference is Anthony isn’t on television and being paid a lot to espouse what is ultimately garbage. That said, I’m only nine so what would I know?”
Cricket Australia said they supported Channel Nine's pre-emptive apology but thought calls for better commentators were unhelpful.
"All the guys on Nine's commentary team are just wonderful blokes. Heals, Tubby, Slats and that English guy are just terrific fellas," said Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland.
“You couldn’t find a better bunch of guys to go out for a night on the tiles with.”
"If we started firing ripping blokes like them, just because they were incompetent, it would have bigger effects than just cricket commentary. Corporate Australia would collapse entirely and we’d have competent women everywhere.”
When asked to comment on being apologised for in advance, Mark Taylor reminded everyone to buy an air conditioner, while he furiously plucked a mandolin.
COMMENTS
Mick Chamberlain
Feb 23, 2015
After many years of being subjected to professionals such as Richie and Bill - notice they are called by their first name - as they are legends!
You have a huge problem of combining the current amateurs - separate Slater and Healey for a start - we are continuously forced to listen to their dribble while the game is in progress!
"When I played" - "remember when I hit that six" - Slater, you were a good player but never great - perhaps that is your problem!
There are occasions when there has been a wicket and these members of the boys club didnt even realise, as they were too busy boring the dedicated viewers.
Cricket Australia says that they are a wonderful bunch of guys to go out on the "piss" with - what a joke - listen and learn what the Public wants!
The viewers by the thousands are watching nine coverage, turning the sound down and listening to the ABC coverage -Mark Nicolas - bring cricket coverage of old!
G Bruce
Oct 25, 2016
Heals, Tubby & Slats are drivetime crew for which commercial FM station?
Ben
Oct 25, 2016
Mick, just wanted to double check - you know this is a satire website, right? The tail end of your comment suggests you think that James Sutherland actually said "go out for a night on the tiles" in an official quote...
Trent
Oct 25, 2016
Love it....keep taking the piss Titus. The Nine commentary team (and I use the term lightly) are a bunch of dimwits more interested in trying to be blokey than calling the game. The inane drivel they come up with, along with the vacuous, facile observations and endless schoolboy giggling (yes, you Slater) is infuriating. The great Alan McGilvray would be turning in his grave.
Jon
Oct 25, 2016
Another good laugh! My interest in cricket in general has declined quite a bit over the years, but the commentary on Nine is woeful. I though Mark Nicholas would make it as a single sane person, but even he gets caught up in waffly, airy commentary which makes you sick (it's like those really, really romantic people who spew forth ongoing love sagas and poems).
Mick, you make a great point about the names. It's all boys club, buddy-buddy nicknames, but Bill, Tony and Richie were not. They were a class above the rest.
Jimmy James
Oct 27, 2016
The Channel Nine commentary box is where charisma goes to die.