Dear NBL fans and the majority of Australians

You may have read media reports that we’re changing the name of the Melbourne Tigers and we want to explain why.

What’s that?

You know, the Melbourne Tigers. In the NBL? The National Basketball League?

Still nothing?

Remember the late 80s and early 90s? Remember caring a bit about local basketball? Because of Michael?

Remember Andrew Gaze and Lanard Copeland? Alley–oop?

There you go. Gaze-y and stuff.

Well we, the Melbourne Tigers, are still around but we’re changing the name.

The fact it’s probably the only recognisable thing left from the glory years of the NBL doesn’t matter to us.

We’re going to sever the connection to our storied past. A past any new club in any sport would kill for.

Why?

Because we have no idea what we are doing.

How do we know this? Because we have form when it comes to making bad decisions.

We actually handed over real money for an NBL franchise.

Then, we poured even more money into it. Our own money! It’s crazy now we think about it, which we obviously didn’t at the time.

So we’re going to change the name. It’s not so much like rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic but renaming and repainting the whole Titanic.

It will be a new era for the club, a club free from the past and with no future.

It will be a proud moment until, to continue the analogy, we crash into the iceberg of your collective disinterest.

We’re looking forward to you not getting on board.

Melbourne Tigers (Insert Insipid New Name) Owners