Every now and then when the telegrams and faxes pile up, I open a bottle of Scotch, get the butler to light the fire and respond to some of the questions I’ve been sent.

Are the questions, particularly clever or interesting? Usually a lot more than the answers.

Ducking and Diving

Dermott Brereton is questioning Lindsay Thomas on ducking. Where does standing on someone’s head compare? – Darren Gladman

One of the great things about being an ex-player is to get up on the old moral high horse, canter to the moral high ground and forget everything you ever did in your playing days.

This has to be done with no sense of self-awareness or irony.

Dermott’s not exactly Robinson Crusoe in doing this either. Perhaps my favourite is when Wayne Carey accidentally strays into moral issues and starts chastising current players.

In this particular case, Dermott is equating ducking for frees as ‘weak’ and ‘unsportsmanlike’. In contrast, stepping on a bloke’s head while wearing footy boots as they lay on the ground is both ‘manly’ and ‘brave’.

If the AFL intends to do its best to eliminate head injuries from the game where are they going to get future administrators? – Rhombus Isotope

This is an excellent point. As we discover more about the tragic and rather unsettling issue of head trauma and contact sports, it does shine a whole new light on why the AFL and clubs are run the way they are.

Serious head trauma would explain a fair chunk of Andrew Demetriou’s final few years.

If the AFL is successful in managing concussions and their long-term effects, we could soon be seeing a golden period of administrators. Or not.

Coach of the Year

Should they just give Brendan Bolton Coach of the Year now, or wait to see if Ross Lyon can coach a perfect 0-22 season? – John Hindmarsh

A timely question ahead of this week’s Essendon-Fremantle game. While Bolton has been very good, we’ve had coaches come along before and seem impressive for short bursts.

Remember when Ken Hinkley was coaching Port Adelaide?

Ross Lyon on the other hand is trying to pull of the impossible, to go from minor premiers to wooden spooners in one season.

Ross did tweet back in March ‘Strap yourselves in’. At the time a lot of people read it as an exciting tweet but it was really like a pilot announcement ahead of an emergency landing.

If Ross doesn’t win coach of the year, he should at least win a Logie for his performances claiming he’s not tanking.

Titus do you believe at least 10 clubs will now chase Hale/Guerra given their massive contribution to Freo 2016? – Baron

To me the only realistic alternative to the tanking theory, is that Hawthorn actively sabotaged Fremantle’s season.

Not only did they plant double agents Hale and Guerra there, Alastair Clarkson also discussed at length his approach to coaching with Lyon when they were on the International Rules junket together.

I’m pretty sure Clarko told Ross things like ‘defence is pointless,’ ‘fitness is overrated’ and ‘you should play Fyfe even if he’s injured’.

Northern Territory

Why do Melbourne continue to cost themselves wins by playing home games in NT? – Shane Zanatta

This was the reaction of many Demons fans after Melbourne’s embarrassing surrender to Port Adelaide last week.

The truth is that Melbourne have shown they are capable of losing everywhere in recent times. Did Alice Spring contribute to it? I doubt it. This is a team that lost to Essendon on their own home turf in round two.

My personal preference is for every team to play their home games at their home but I know that sort of logic has no place in AFL land.

Premiership

With Kangas, Cats & GWS having won the premiership & lost it + Hawks dynasty over, who will Bradbury themselves over the line? – Shaun Brennan

I’d say Sydney but they lost to Richmond. We should also mention the Crows but they lost to Geelong, which is now like losing to Carlton or Collingwood.

Perhaps best placed right now to win it all is Richmond. They’re perfectly placed in 14th spot and it’s always fun to pump up the hopes of Tigers fans.

If GWS make the Grand Final will people plan weddings or holidays? – Phillipa

I think the key point here is that if the Giants make the Grand Final, the people of Greater Western Sydney will still have holiday or weddings as they’ll be indifferent to it occurring.

I’m pretty sure though that the Suns are going as badly as they are due to an AFL order, as the thought of a Suns-Giants Grand Final was too scary even for them.

You have to have the bigger picture in mind though. A Giants’ premiership could convert as many as ten people into AFL fans, which even the most harden cynic will admit is a wonderful return on investment.

Jarryd Hayne

Is it too late for Jarryd Hayne to make his bid for the ladies synchronised swimming team? – Jonathan Molloy

It’s a fair question but I think Jarryd’s dreams are limited to computer games he played growing up. The NFL dream came from Madden and I doubt he played a lot of video synchronized swimming.

It’s entirely possible he’s next dream is to be an Italian plumber who consumes a lot of mushrooms.

QandA

Why is QandA still on TV? ­– Dread Pirate Roberts

You can never underestimate people’s desire to be irritated and upset. It fuels social media, Windows and QandA.

The people on the QandA panel are just the worst people. Even the ones I agree with make me want to throw something at the TV.

The real question isn’t why it’s on though, it’s why aren’t people watching sport instead?

We have a 24-hour AFL channel. There is nothing to complain about in this country.

Travis Cloke

Should Port make the game fair this week by bringing in Toumpas since Collingwood will be bringing in Cloke? – Liam Johnson

I’m not sure if this is unfair to Toumpas or Cloke. Both are key indicators of each team having depth issues.

I’m actually hoping Cloke goes OK this weekend. No, I haven’t suddenly become a really nice person.

I’m hoping one half decent game will mean Collingwood keep him around a bit longer. Like how I’m hoping the mildly improved form of Collingwood convinces them they’re on the right track.

Stick with Buckley! Stick with Cloke!

Rodney Eade

What’s the rule about coaches doing a concussion test? I ask in response to Eade thinking the Suns will play finals this season. – Corey Wickert

Poor old Rodney. He obviously found some white powder that Karmichael Hunt left lying around this week and though it was sherbet.

The minute he said it, I thought that either he needed to be drug tested or it’s finally time to put Rodney out to pasture.

If it weren’t for Freo, the Suns would have to be the worst performing team based on supposed talent.

Who is more likely to replace Rodney Eade as the Gold Coast coach? Mick Malthouse or Terry Wallace? – Aaron Miller

Perfect suggestions. Mick is the obvious one for the pure comedic value of having him up on the Gold Coast and back coaching.

Yet a part of me has always believed that Terry getting another go at another club would at least allow Tigers fans to have some laughs and perhaps progress the healing process for them.

That said, I wouldn’t let Terry coach my worst enemy, who happens to be at the Suns.

Brisbane’s best

Is winning Brisbane’s Best and Fairest this year like receiving a birthday cake from someone with visible eczema? – John Dawson

Now this is just plain mean to people with eczema.

A club’s best and fairest is often a great measure of how good or bad the team is.

I remember when Dean Terlich came third in Melbourne’s 2013 best and fairest and I just thought ‘we are in real trouble’.

What is love? – Swell Dude

You’re asking me? I blog about AFL, so it’s clear I have no idea. The closest I’ve had to a relationship is when a woman once mistook me for a waiter and we had an awkward twenty second conversation until I convinced her I wasn’t.