Every now and then when the telegrams and faxes pile up, I open a bottle of Scotch, light the fire and respond to some of the questions I’ve been sent.

Are the questions, particularly clever or interesting? Usually a lot more than the answers.

Collingwood’s decline

Has Nathan Buckley successfully completed the inverse Might Ducks, turning a champion team into a rag tag bunch of footballers plus one out of town gun in Adam Treloar? – Mr Wombat

It certainly seems that way, especially when you consider Mick Malthouse says the Pies were on the cusp of a ‘mini-dynasty’ when he left.

What’s a ‘mini-dynasty’? Surely, considering it’s impossible to prove or disprove, Mick should have gone with ‘greatest dynasty ever’?

Perhaps Buckley should sit down and watch the movies. He could learn from Mighty Ducks Supercoach Gordon Bombay and his focus on structures.

Seeing Eddie’s kids were able to talk him out of quitting, could they be coaxed into talking him in to sacking Bucks? – Horrie Chunter

Who knew Eddie’s kids carried such sway at Collingwood board level? More than the other board members I imagine.

I guess realising the possibility he could be home more often, they quickly carried out an intervention. I think it’s only a matter of time before Eddie replaces Buckley as coach anyway.

Which AFL team will be first to establish an Academy on Nauru? – Quentin Seik

To me the ‘refugee crisis’ has always been an easy fix. You just ‘stop the boats’ by using the proceeds of a ‘tax on carbon’, both the communist left and fascist right get something they want. The other option is the sporting route.

An academy makes sense. Offer to house refugees in return for exclusive access to their offspring for at least the next ten generations. No need to worry about integrating them into ‘our’ culture. AFL players can do what they like anyway, as long as they’re really good. In fact, the better they are the more nonsense they can get away with, it’s a sliding scale.

Is this indentured servitude? Sure but if it delivers us just one Gary Ablett or Buddy Franklin it will be worth it. Human rights be damned.

After the Powers’ recent improvement, do you think Collingwood should arrange for Kochie to give their players a spray? – Joe Parisi

Only for the laugh factor. The only person David Koch has ever motivated was the ambulance driver at the Beaconsfield mine, who drove really fast around corners hoping Kochie would fall out the back.

Melbourne’s rise

When the Gold Coast fans started abusing their team for their terrible effort, did the visiting Melbourne fans join in out of habit? – Lee Greenhalgh

The Melbourne fans were actually sitting in shocked silence as 160 points were put on the scoreboard.

I’ve personally had that reoccurring dream for the past decade, so I’m still unsure if I’m dreaming or not.

Just like Inception, I spun my little totem to see if I was trapped in a dream. It’s still spinning…

Does anyone know how to get a Sauvignon blanc stain out of a cashmere cravat? – Edmund Fothringham-Smyth

This is what maids are for Edmund. Plus, cashmere cravats are a ‘wear once, throw out’ kind of thing.

Why do you never compliment Geelong you biased Melbourne scum? – Hamish McKie

Mainly because I’ve been there. Just kidding, I really like that mohawked mayor of yours, seems to be doing a good job.

North Melbourne and the Shot Clock

Should Brad Scott look to rest players now, to adequately prepare for finals and ultimately the Grand Final? – Liam Sikic

While the AFL has made changes to avoid teams resting in Round 23, an extra bye has been created by Fremantle, due to them accidentally playing the script set down for Essendon.

There’s no doubt Brad’s already planning rest weeks, given a North Melbourne Premiership is now a certainty.

Could the shot clock be used to limit the length of time of Dermott Brereton’s interview questions? – Colin Mc

I like this idea a lot. It could also be used to limit any segment involving David King or Wayne Carey.

What are your thoughts on Lindsey Thomas missing out on another Gold Logie? – Ant Johnstone

I’m resigned to the fact he can’t win it every year, despite deserving it. The whole Gold Logie fuss perplexes me. People seem to dismiss it as pointless, then get angry when they don’t like the person that gets it.

Which is it people? Get some consistency.

Personally, I think it’s like an elephant stamp for TV people, who are really just children masquerading as adults.

Getting upset about who won the Logie is like carrying who got to take the class goldfish home on the weekend.

The only award that has real meaning in this life is a Premiership medal, the rest are merely trinkets.

Carlton

All this talk about Levi Casboult being elite. I wonder, would you be considered elite if you played against Collingwood this week? – Dave Lloyd

The word ‘elite’ gets used a lot in AFL and I’ve my suspicions that many of the people using it actually think it’s a Lynx deodorant.

There’s no doubt that Collingwood have the ability to make average players look elite, even the Auskick kids play a better defensive structure than the Pies.

If Casboult improves his kicking and becomes an elite player, when will he get traded to Adelaide? – Snert Underpant

I like to think the days of Carlton trading away their best players, like they were on a jihad against talent, are now over.

We are now just twelve months away from Mick Malthouse saying Carlton were on the cusp of a ‘mini-dynasty’ when he left.

Saying a footballer would be elite if they could kick is like saying someone could be a model if they weren’t horrendously ugly.

As a Carlton fan, should I book tickets for the grand final yet? – Alexi Harris

I’d probably hold off. If you do get in, you’ll be up against the Giants so there will be tens of thousands of tickets available anyway.

Is it a coincidence that Carlton have won 3 in a row after Liam Jones was recalled to the team? – Taylor Brasser

No coincidence. Jones is to the AFL what Steph Curry is to the NBA.

Expensive Beer

How does a beer cost more than $8 at the footy? – Matthew Jones

It’s called greed. I could even handle a beer costing that much if it vaguely tasted like beer.

Footy beer instead tastes like the aftertaste of a big night out but without the wait.

Really, if a government wants my vote, vow a Royal Commission into catering at sporting events. It won’t happen though; Royal Commissions are purely the reserve for political point scoring these days.

Richmond

One of my mates is a Richmond supporter but he doesn’t have a microwave. Can he do his card in a jaffle iron? – Mummy’s Little Helper

First, I’m sorry about your mate. Second, why is he your mate?

The simple answer is any way of destroying your membership is fine, as long as you mail it into the club afterwards with a strongly worded letter. You also need to get on talkback radio and tell everyone you’ve done it.

You also need to try and get it back from the club when things turn around.

I feel we’ve become too focused on the method of destruction and not the wonderful rituals that surround this time honoured tradition.

My uncle played for Richmond in 1966. Seeing where they are now, who should Dimma drop for him this week? – Ben Wesley

I’d drop Riewoldt. He’s obviously not 100 per cent and this year is a write off. Not that Dimma thinks that. I heard him tonight on the news saying this side is capable of playing finals.

The Tigers have never been capable of playing finals under him.

Quicksand

Why isn’t quicksand as prevalent as we were lead to believe it would be as kids? – Natasha Wilson

I know right? Growing up, I thought it a fairly good chance I was going to lose at least one family member and a few friends to quicksand but so far not one.

Instead, it’s usually heart disease or in one case an amusingly tragic badminton accident.

I guess kids shows featuring heart disease as a regular plot line just don’t test well.

Rising Star

Should players’ beards be eligible for Rising Star nominations in their own right? – Rhombus Isotope

Yes. A thousand times yes.

Fremantle’s descent

Should Ross Lyon be in the next James Bond film? Has already perfected the 00-7 part? – Jimmy Dawe

Has any WA Team ever been their area code? Freo a real chance with 08 this week. – LB

Solid work Jimmy and LB. Hit the showers.

Federal Election

On election night will Kingy and the lab be making an appearance analysing hard poll gets along with the pressure gauge? – Sean

Now this would be something. Throw Kingy in with Anthony Green and see how long it is until Green just loses it.I can just see the graph showing ‘swing vote pressure’ and ‘preference stoppages’.

Any chance you can anchor the QandA desk one week Titus? – GambleBoss

Would I have to watch it if I did? That would probably be the deal breaker for me.

QandA is like being trapped at a dinner party where you wish everyone there was dead. So like every dinner party.

Carp

Does Barnaby Joyce’s plan to give carp herpes mean it’s now ok for me to shag fish? – Luke Arthur

We might leave it there.

Send Titus a question