Let’s see who firing on the training track at your club during the pre-season. This is the most accurate guide you’ll ever read.

Adelaide: Everyone. Patrick Dangerfield is doing especially well, which is good news for whoever he goes to next year.

Brisbane: Everyone, never before in the history of time has there been a better pre-season. The new guy with the tattoos is going especially well.

Carlton: Everyone. Chris Judd looks like a million dollars, mainly because Visy once gave him a million dollars.

Collingwood: Everyone, especially Bucks. Even Eddie walked up the stairs without pausing for a breather.

Essendon: Everyone. Dustin Fletcher could be in his mid-thirties.

Fremantle: Everyone. Real estate prices in Fremantle are so high because of all the houses that are being trained down.

Geelong: Everyone. Even though the time trial was a week ago, the track is still burning.

Gold Coast: Just Gary Ablett really.

GWS: Everyone, I forget most of their names though.

Hawthorn: Everyone, although pre is still wondering what hit him.

Melbourne: Everyone. The paleo diet has the demons hungry for the first time in years.

North Melbourne: Everyone. Jarrad Waite hasn’t even been suspended this season yet.

Port Adelaide: Everyone. A trip to Dubai has made the players really appreciate Adelaide.

Richmond: Everyone. Pre-season started off terribly but they’re flying now.

St Kilda: Everyone. If pre-season lasted all year this would be a great season.

Sydney: Everyone. The Swans all got a good rest during last year’s Grand Final, so are in top condition.

West Coast: Everyone. At this rate, everyone will be playing in the midfield, which is good because they didn’t have one last season.

Western Bulldogs: Everyone. Ryan Griffen is really earning his pay.