Last August, Eddie McGuire interviewed ‘Sarah’ on his radio show. Sarah claimed to be the mother of an Essendon player and was distraught at how her son was treated at Essendon.

No one knows who ‘Sarah' is apparently. Here, I look at the likely suspects:

An actual Essendon player’s mum

Essendon say they’ve spoken to all the players and their parents and all deny being Sarah. That said, if you’re trying to not reveal yourself, you’re hardly likely to admit it when the highly litigious Essendon comes asking.

Likelihood: A possibility, but looks unlikely in a world where everything leaks eventually.

Andrew Demetriou

Nobody benefited more from this call than the AFL. I’m not saying Andrew made the call himself. His voice is hardly feminine and I’ve heard when he does voices they all end up sounding like a mix between Irish and Indian.

Likelihood: Highly likely he hired someone who can act or Nicole Kidman

Caroline Wilson

Caroline Wilson has been all over Essendon and the Hirds since day one. It’s no secret she believes James has not been held accountable for his actions or lack thereof.

Could Caroline, in a fit of desperation have made the call?

Likelihood: Unlikely. Say what you like about Caro but she comes in through the front door, all guns blazing. It may or may not be the right house, but you know it’s her.

That old bloke from my local

One night at my local, a few of us were discussing who the caller could be.

The old guy at the end of the bar spoke up for the first time ever and revealed that he had made the call. We asked him to prove it by doing the voice and I must admit it was very convincing.

Likelihood: Almost certainly not. Later that same night we were discussing the disappearance of MH370 and he said it was in his garage.

Tania Hird

Did you know Tania Hird is a lawyer? It’s been kept pretty quiet. Its reason enough to suspect Tania has been the mastermind behind this event from the very beginning. Stay with me.

Tania, always twenty steps ahead, could see where this is all going. The phone call triggers a negative reaction towards James, significantly bolstering the AFL’s case and leading to the sanctions negotiated at AFL House. It’s such a counterintuitive move no one suspects her.

But wait, Tania always wanted this to happen. She knows she can manipulate events at AFL House to her advantage, resulting in a year’s holiday in France for her family, a year’s salary in advance and a business diploma for James.

Now, however, it’s end game. The caller ‘Sarah’ is to be finally exposed as a fake, significantly harming the AFL’s public case and preparing for the triumphant return of the Hirds.

Likelihood: Even as I wrote this I realised it was bonkers. Highly likely though.

An actor hired by a lawyer

Lawyers are the worst. If only we could settle scores the old fashion way, with the Milton Bradley game, Downfall.

Lawyers have benefited all along from this saga. They are the only people winning out of all this and the idea one side would hire an actor to kick the case along is highly likely, if my distant memory of LA Law is correct.

Likelihood: Almost a dead cert.

That guy from Police Academy

Michael Winslow is the man of 10,000 sound effects who became known from the Police Academy movies as Larvelle Jones.

Surely a man of his talents could fake the voice of an AFL player’s mum?

Sound far-fetched? Well, where was Michael Winslow on August 2013? Why performing a one off show at the Yarraville Club on August 9!!!! That even puts him in this very city!

Why would he come all the way to Melbourne to do a one off show? Let alone to Yarraville?

There are no coincidences in this life.

Michael never liked James Hird, deep down he is a passionate Hawthorn supporter. Who better than a man who makes a career faking voices? Checkmate Winslow.

Likelihood: My pick. Admit it, I’ve gone all CSI on this one and blown your mind.