On Monday night, the Carlton hierarchy, President Stephen Kernahan, CEO Greg Swann and General Manager of Football Operations Andrew McKay, dropped in to Mick Malthouse’s East Melbourne pad for a quiet chat about the Blues’ coaching position. Here’s the exclusive transcript of what happened.

Mick Malthouse: G’day guys. Come in. I’m just watching the end of The X-factor. Do you guys watch it?

Greg Swann: Ahh, no Mick can’t say I do.

Mick: What about you Stephen, do you watch it?

Stephen Kernahan: No Mick, I don’t but it’s great to see you. I’m really keen to start talking to you about what we’re up to at Carlton.

Mick: And you Andrew, ever seen it?

Andrew McKay: Sure Mick, I’ve seen it before.

Mick: It’s good isn’t it?

Andrew: Sure, Mick.

Mick: Well take a seat. It’s only got ten minutes to go and then we’ll have a cup of tea and a bit of a chat.

Ten minutes pass in silence followed by tea being made.

Stephen: Well,thanks again Mick for seeing us on a Monday night. Obviously you’re aware of recent events at Carlton and we are very keen to see you as our next Coach.

Greg: Obviously we understand you probably have a lot of questions about Carlton and how we do things. We are keen to answer any questions you have.

Mick: What about a Malt o Milk?

Gregg: Sorry Mick…I don’t quite follow.

Mick: A Malt o Milk. That’s what we need with this tea. Nothing better if you ask me than a cup of tea and a Malt o Milk biscuit. Do you have them at Carlton?

Stephen: Malt o Milks? I’m not really sure Mick.

Andrew: I’m pretty sure there’s some in the tearoom.

Mick: Well that’s good, isn’t it Andrew?

Andrew: I must say I’m a bit partial to a Malt o Milk myself.

Mick: I like you Andrew. You know what would also be good at Carlton?

Greg: Ohh I don’t know Mick, Iced Vo Vos? Teddy Bear Biscuits?

Mick proceeds to stares at Gregg unblinking for three minutes.

Mick: Andrew, Travis Cloke would be good at Carlton wouldn’t he?

Andrew: He sure would, Mick.

Stephen: That’s exactly the sort of big decision we want to discuss with you once you agree to come on board.

Mick: Why don’t I call Travis now? Maybe get him to pop around? I can call his Dad too. No point just talking to Travis, we want a decision.

Greg: I think that wouldn’t really be appropriate Mick. We’d have to go through the proper channels and consider the salary cap.

Mick: Not really a can-do attitude from Greg here, is it Andrew?

Stephen: Mick perhaps you could tell us a few things you see as essential to a winning culture at Carlton? What do you need to bring about change?

Mick: Well I’m pretty interested in everyone doing exactly what I say and getting Travis Cloke.

Stephen: OK, then. Any other more specific things you’d need to feel comfortable at Carlton?

Mick: Well, I’m just speaking in generalities here but I’d be pretty keen not to have the President of the Club call me aside one day and tell me he’s going to replace me in a few years with a former club champion who’s never coached before.

Stephen: I can assure you that won’t happen at the Blues, Mick. We want you around for the long term. Do you want to know any details of our operations?

Mick: Yeah, where would my office be?

Stephen: Well it would be right in Visy Park. It’s a great office.

Mick: And I wouldn’t have to share it? No hot desking or open plan nonsense?

Stephen: No Mick. Are you really worried about this stuff? What about our recruiting our fitness programs?

Mick: I’m not worried about that at all. I can change them. But an office, now that’s hard to change once you’re in a workplace. People get really angry about that stuff.

Stephen: Well Mick, I’ll give you my office if that’s what it takes to get you to come to Carlton. It’s the best in the club. It’s right next to Gregg’s office.

Mick: Stephen that’s a mighty kind offer. Maybe I’ll take you up on the offer and we’ll move you into what was going to be my office. Then we’ll move Andrew into Gregg’s office and Gregg can get Andrew’s old office.

Greg: Hang on a second!

Mick: Also let’s just go ahead and put in a regular order for Malt o Milks. Get some of that tea from T2 as well, none of that supermarket stuff. Once we’ve done that, I’ll get onto Travis’ dad, tell him to send Travis over to us. We’ll announce it to the press the minute Collingwood’s season comes crashing down around them and we can really stick it up Eddie.

Then I’m going to train these players in how to withstand any amount of pressure. None of this fading out half way through the season. They won’t know what hit them, none of this cheering for them from the bench. Playtime’s over.

We’ll make the finals and before you know it we’ll be Premiers again.

How does that sound?

Greg: I’ll start moving my stuff into Andrew’s office tomorrow.

Mick: Yeah, good on you Greg. Have another Malt o Milk.