Dear member,

As you will most likely be aware, the club has asked the AFL and the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority to conduct an investigation into supplements given to our players during the 2012 season.

Of course you’re aware, it’s all over the bloody media now. Like us you’re probably wondering what the hell is going on. Well we’re not going to say much. We can say, “No comment,” while the investigation is on. We said, “supplements,” because the PR guy thinks saying, “drugs” sounds bad. I checked with a few people and he’s right.

Over the last 48 hours, the club received concerning information that we felt required swift action. As a result, the club contacted the AFL and ASADA to request an independent investigation.

We realised in the last 48 hours there was no way this thing wasn’t going to blow up, so taking a leaf out of Collingwood’s book, we self-reported.

It’s also unlikely the AFL and ASADA would do an investigation that wasn’t independent. I mean, it’s hardly likely they’re going to let us do it. Don’t worry, we thought about asking them.

Still, it sounds better to say, ‘independent’ because it seems like we cooperated even more.

The club is now fully cooperating with ASADA and the AFL in its investigation.

When you fall on your sword, do it with gusto. It hurts no matter what.

This is very distressing for our club, our executive, our players, our Board and our members.

It’s actually beyond distressing; we are all freaking out. What’s going to happen to our jobs? We thought everything was ok but really, in hindsight this is pretty bad. The say ignorance is no excuse but it really should be. Hirdy looks like someone who is going to keel over at any moment.

Actually it’s probably most distressing for the members because they entrusted us to run this club properly and they weren’t asleep at the wheel.

We believe we have been compliant with the rules and regulations of the AFL and ASADA.

Obviously we have to say this. But just quietly, you’d have to suspect that there’s been a pretty massive breach of some rules by someone somewhere if people were taking prohibited drugs.

Most importantly, we will be doing everything possible to protect the integrity of our football club and players.

We will now do anything to minimise legal action and try and pull this thing out of the fire. I mean this thing is a mess. A big mess. Oh god! This is going to be horrendous for ages. Why didn’t we pay more attention. Why?

Due to the sensitivity of this issue and the ongoing investigation, the club is not in a position to disclose any further information. It is important the investigation is given the opportunity to take its course.

We’ve never been so glad to have an excuse not to say anything.

We believe that we have acted in a sensible and responsible way to ensure the club gets to the bottom of this matter as quickly as possible.

…in that this happened a long time ago and we really should have known about this.

Out of respect to the process we will not be providing an ongoing commentary through the media in relation to this matter but when further information becomes available we will communicate this with you.

It’s not like there won’t be a million people commenting on this. We bet Jason Akermanis will come out and say something. Probably Dermie.

We will now look to continue preparations for our opening NAB Cup game against Collingwood and the Western Bulldogs next Friday night.

What a game that will be. Seriously, you know those days when you wish the ground would just swallow you up? NAB cup, who cares?

As always, I thank you for your continued support of the Essendon Football Club.

We failed you but god we need you now. You deserved so much more. Instead we’ve let a few people rip the heart out of a great club, bring the broader code into question and possibly destroy the careers of a few players.

Wow. This is awkward.