With the 34 Essendon players appealing the Court of Arbitration for Sport decision to a Swiss court, it’s time to get across that country and its legal system.
Having read a lot of social media, a lot of you seem to already be experts on Swiss law but this may help you brush up anyway.
Once you’ve read this, feel free to offer strong opinions on the case and make sure you say ‘de novo’ a lot so you sound like an expert.
‘De novo’ is of course one of those furniture sellers on Bridge Road in Richmond.
- Switzerland, which is where most Swiss people live, is officially known as the Swiss Confederation and is in Europe, a once successful continent located west of China
- Basically, Switzerland is full of hidden Nazi gold trains, chocolate factories and snow
- It’s has produced such famous people as Roger Federer, Martina Hingis and Renée Zellweger’s dad
- Switzerland has four official languages: German; French, Italian and Romansh. This means Essendon fans need to learn ‘Stand by Hird’ and ‘giant conspiracy’ in four new languages
- The Swiss are unfamiliar with the AFL, with their national sport being yodelling
- Switzerland’s legal system is founded on the Constitution, not the AFL’s, the Swiss one
- Weirdly, the Swiss legal system doesn’t recognise the ‘good bloke’ defence that operates in Australian sport
- ‘It’s the vibe’ is also not a legitimate argument in Swiss law, despite it being recognised in other jurisdictions like ‘Big Footy’ and ‘Bomberblitz’.
- The Swiss Federal Tribunal will hear the case and will hear it in French, mainly just to make things even more difficult for AFL reporters who struggle with court cases in English
- Fines in Switzerland are measured in Lindt chocolate and Rolex watches (real ones, not the ones given to Australian parliamentarians)
- A failure here leaves relocating to Russia as the only avenue for the Essendon Football Club
COMMENTS
diggydaz
Feb 11, 2016
TitusOReily gold!!! Watch the love come in from conspiracy theorists
lenphil29
Feb 11, 2016
TitusOReily not one crowbarred swisse vitamins reference, were you even trying
gary_stirling
Feb 11, 2016
TitusOReily how nearly 4 years ago the Swiss legal fraternity saw the supplements story break and thought " we should get in on this"
Bonjour_Pippy
Feb 11, 2016
TitusOReily How fortuitous of them to have sent Hird to France, he can at least translate & be heard.
pies016
Feb 11, 2016
ChrisKaias TitusOReily I think there are a few mounts who use selective understanding.
pies016
Feb 11, 2016
ChrisKaias TitusOReily journos not mounts. I'm pushing the reply button too early.
bookshopaddict
Feb 11, 2016
ChrisKaias TitusOReily The Swiss not recognising the 'good bloke' defence is a great line.
ausikad
Feb 11, 2016
ChrisKaias TitusOReily scores de cricket
Johnno31
Feb 11, 2016
"The Swiss Federal Tribunal will hear the case and will hear it in French, mainly just to make things even more difficult for AFL reporters who struggle with court cases in English" Maybe that is why St James spent that time in France - selflessly learning the language to help his boys with their appeal. What a fabulous caring guy.
Nick Burke
Feb 11, 2016
Noel Burke Hayley Burke Mallory Burke Michael Howden LOL U0001f602
Horrie Chunter. Real bloke.
Feb 11, 2016
So the latest legal challenge is being funded by an insurance company, which is funded by you and I. So now we're all funding the cheats!
Snert Underpant
Feb 11, 2016
Given that Essendon's arguments to date have had more holes than a Swiss cheese, this seems an appropriate place to put this saga to rest.
Hugo Von Winterhalter
Feb 11, 2016
Switzerland also has the largest laboratory in the world. Maybe the Bomber's hierarchy should pay a visit to see how they keep their lab records.
Andrew Appa
Feb 11, 2016
Wanna kiss my lucky egg?
Daniel Kowal
Feb 11, 2016
Was thinking... What are the positives of going to Switzerland for Essendon? Then I thought.. They're flag is one.
Sean Lyons
Feb 11, 2016
Can understand the "good bloke" being inadmissable as hearsay, however is testimony from a players mum/girlfriend or wife normally deemed OK as evidence by the court?
Tom Basso
Feb 11, 2016
Patrick Moller hilarious
Matt Swannie
Feb 11, 2016
Titus O'Reily - my observations are as follows: - (1) the liberal peppering of any conversation with the term "De Minimis" also gets you a long way in discussions with pseudo-lawyers (i.e. delusional Essendoom supporters; (2) AFL Reporters generally struggle with English (& sometimes even David Schwartz's version of it) fullstop - not just during court cases; (3) Wash your mouth out - I believe the current term de jour is 'ripping bloke' not just "good bloke"; and (4) Your final bullet-point is salient ... we pray. Other than that - spot on - good job!
Jason Nichols
Feb 11, 2016
This is beautifully written. Only one point needs to be added. Essendon may try the 'Oh Carn' defence. That'll work as well as the rest of the drivel they have come up with
Ciarán Wilcox
Feb 11, 2016
Belle Katavatis The Woewodin-Brownlow Incident may be difficult to translate.
Edna Merkle
Feb 11, 2016
I wish I hadn't just taken a Valium before I read that Matt. I feel dizzy and quite confused.
Andrew Miksad
Feb 11, 2016
"It's the vibe" - Dennis Denuto's killer argument ;-)
Matt Swannie
Feb 11, 2016
Edna Merkle(null) Dear Edna - my heartfelt apologies. If it makes you feel any better - I became dizzy and confused whilst penning my missive. Best of luck with your slumber. #teniràHird
doodledogs1960
Feb 11, 2016
TitusOReily je crois en
tribunal suisse federeal
Clarkey_73
Feb 11, 2016
doodledogs1960 TitusOReily I know, right?
doodledogs1960
Feb 11, 2016
Clarkey_73 TitusOReily I believe in
federeal Swiss court
72nivek
Feb 11, 2016
TitusOReily I appreciate your effort, but I will be sticking to Robbo for my expert advice. :)
crob1470_cheryl
Feb 11, 2016
TitusOReily will this then be the end of it? Please say yes.....
Matt Rasmussen
Feb 11, 2016
If the "good bloke defence" is out then Hodgey is probably going to spend longer on the sidelines than Jobe! Look out Russia here I come!
Christian Outhred
Feb 11, 2016
They. Are. Flag. Is. One.
What does this mean?
Joanne Everett
Feb 11, 2016
Swiss labs. Found Polonium in Arafats body, created a ghost and worst of all found modern cheese making process made Swiss cheese less Swiss. How many holes are there in a slice of Essendon AFL Red and Black, sashed processed Aussie Delight? I will not get into Physics here.
Edna Merkle
Feb 11, 2016
Thank you Matt, you're a lovely boy.
Aidan Twomey
Feb 11, 2016
Essendon should draft in William Tell, he will get to the core of their problem!
Janine Jucker
Feb 11, 2016
'Fines in Switzerland are measured in Lindt chocolate and Rolex watches' - can verify
Wouter Moormann
Feb 11, 2016
Janine one of the funniest comments i read - 'seems like an appropriate place to ha ve the hearing seeing as their argument has more holes than swiss cheese'
Gary Yeezy Carolan
Feb 11, 2016
Tim Moss brilliant
Gus19
Feb 11, 2016
It's true. A mate was caught 3km over the speed limit and fined 350 Lindts.
Stej Bosnjak
Feb 12, 2016
Do Swiss vitamins come from Switzerland?
SkillsyOz
Feb 12, 2016
Eugene de la Hot-Croix Bun to prosecute in Romansh - It might be a language Robbo understands and can write elegantly in.
Choofter
Feb 13, 2016
I thought they still did trial by ordeal over there. Something like you know, put an apple on the accused head and shoot at it with an arrow at a 120 paces. The archer hits the apple and the accused goes free. I guess an appeal would be done with the archer blindfolded.
CadXbow
Feb 16, 2016
Johnno31 St James did get a little mixed up on one occasion, when he meant to ask a young French lass for 'bread' but used 'breed' instead.