The Tuesday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Twelve | Titus O'Reily

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The Tuesday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Twelve

Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Tuesday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Port Adelaide (72) v Richmond (58)

No MCG, no Richmond. At least that’s what the lazy AFL commentators will say, of which I am one. 

Richmond learnt that Dusty’s best position isn’t in New Zealand and have already whisked him back.

The Power proved all the doubters, so everyone, wrong in this one. They played the way you think they should be able to but often don’t.

All it took was a burst in the second quarter for Port, when they kicked seven goals to Richmond’s two to secure the victory. 

It was a strange quarter, as the game seemed to be very tight if anything Richmond played better for the rest of the game, but Ollie Wines went nuts with 13 possessions and Justin Westhoff had one of his games that makes you think ‘hey this guy is really good’.   

The Tigers then worked hard to get back into it, but like someone who ate too much bread before a big meal, they couldn’t come back from their earlier tactical missteps.

LED Advertising Sign (96) v North Melbourne (59)

While most people retire to the Gold Coast, Gary Ablett has gone the other way, and despite being obviously past it, showed he can be a handy role player, with 34 possessions, 16 of them contested. Not bad for someone who apparently should have retired a few weeks ago.

The Cats have always had a significant home advantage, but they have now arranged for their LED advertising signage to take a more proactive role in injuring opposition players.

North Melbourne skipper Jack Ziebell cut both his knees quite badly on the newish signs as he crashed into them. 

Personally, I like the idea of the ground being surrounded by dangerous surfaces, to encourage more corridor play. Perth Stadium is already trialling it. 

Where is the Look of the Game Committee on innovative ideas like this? Probably too busy trying to work out ways to ruin our great game with zones.

North were not terrible but not great either. Like focaccia. 

I knew they were in trouble when I read an article this week asking the question, ‘can North win the flag?’

Whenever a journalist writes a piece like that, you should worry. It’s more dangerous than LED signage.

Greater Western Sydney (134) v Gold Coast (26)

The good news first, only 7,131 people saw this in person, and while it’s sad they’ll never watch Australian Rules again, it’s low numbers.

I can only assume the Suns players have never watched Australian Rules before because the way they played certainly suggested that.

How bad were the Suns? As bad as they always are. All this talk of moving them to Tasmania is fanciful.

The Tasmanians are campaigning for an AFL team.

The Giants were great; it was impossible for them not to be, with the Suns applying as much pressure as a Luke Darcy interview.

In fairness to Gold Coast, it’s pretty hard to run an AFL side when you can’t play at your home ground for the first half of the season and the AFL also send you to China, Ballarat and Western Australia for two weeks, just to make sure you’ve racked up more frequent flyer points than the Foreign Minister.

Despite these very real problems, it doesn’t excuse a performance that at best could be called ‘one of the worst performances ever by a Suns team and that is saying something because it’s been a never-ending train wreck that shows no sign of stopping.’ 

St Kilda (55) v Sydney (126)

The Pride Game told us the ‘Everyone is Welcome’, which is undoubtedly true of footy, but that doesn’t mean footy is for everyone, which certainly seems to apply to the 2018 Saints side.

Inspired by the Suns’ earlier ‘efforts’, St Kilda allowed the Swans to kick the opening nine goals, which is considered by footballing purists as ‘not ideal’.

Alan Richardson was coaching from the bench early on, before then moving up to the box later in the game, proving he cannot coach from the coaches’ box or the bench. That’s versatility.

The Saints did try to do a reasonable impression of a footy side after the first half, but by then the damage was done.

The Swans would have been thrilled with the entire night, especially when they could just practice scoring drills for the first quarter before involving an opponent in the second quarter. 

This sets up Gold Coast v St Kilda next week in a match that is to be avoided like a reality TV contestant.

Brisbane (62) v Essendon (84)

All this talk of congestion ruining the game, when really, it’s the fact there’s an awful lot of not very good players floating around an eighteen-team competition.

Some of the poor goal kicking in this stood out even in this season.

We also had the rather bizarre goal review were a clearly touched Jake Stringer kick was overturned from a point to a goal on review.

The AFL conceded later on that the reviewer looked at the wrong player when deciding it was touched.

One can only assume the AFL recruited reviewers by going to the cinema and hiring people who seemed to have trouble following the plot. 

“Who’s this guy? Have we seen him before? Is he one of the good guys?”

“You’re hired.”

It would be laughable except, actually it’s just laughable, like all the AFL’s fresh new ‘innovative’ ideas. They are doing my head in at the moment.

Essendon hardly excelled in this one and losing Dyson Heppell to a Luke Hodge bump (that was legal because it was Luke Hodge) didn’t help, but the Lions apologised by turning the ball over frequently to the Bombers.

Fremantle (71) v Adelaide (68)

Adelaide should be able to beat a Dockers outfit lacking Nat Fyfe, right? 

Not this season, where everything that can go wrong for the Crows does. 

With all the injuries, much of this is understandable to a point, but in this one, they really should have won.

The Dockers jumped them early, but from the second quarter, the Crows were on top, only to invent new and exciting ways to not convert in front of goal.

Eddie Betts, normally a match winner, managed to boot 2.6 and miss three key shots in the fourth quarter. 

Fremantle showed they can outscore a team if that team boots 9.14. 

The Dockers do seem to have found some young talent in recent weeks in Brennan Cox and Adam Cerra, but this was a lucky win.

Melbourne (91) v Collingwood (133) 

I’m writing this from a dark place. 

Both emotionally and physically, because I’m still in the bathroom with the lights off where I went to cry after the game. I like the acoustics in here as my sobbing bounces of the tiles, and the floor is so cold, like my heart.

What’s new? When it matters, the Melbourne Football Club go to water in the most embarrassing way, and if they want people to stop saying that they need to stop doing it with a predictability so perfect it must be Swiss engineered.

Collingwood were simply better in every single way; they worked harder, played smarter and took advantage of the fact the Demons seemed to have decided defence was not important.

Even an American that barely knew the game existed played better than almost all the Melbourne players.

Who knew that all of Collingwood’s previous problems resulted from Nathan Buckley’s previous unwillingness to grow facial hair?

Most concerning for the Demons, is they’re 2-4 at the MCG this season, with one of those against Carlton, so it’s really 1-4. 

What hurts, even more, is that Collingwood are indeed back. I feel like everyone lost yesterday, humanity lost. 

I suddenly don’t care if the Trump-Jong-un summit ends in a nuclear war that consumes us all in hellfire.

I told you I was in a dark place. I’m going back to some sobbing now.

Bye: Carlton, Hawthorn, West Coast, Western Bulldogs

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. 

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Comments

@BulldogCentral 12 June 2018

You are an absolute pisser Titus.................................

I’m writing this from a dark place.

Both emotionally and physically, because I’m still in the bathroom with the lights off where I went to cry after the game. I like the acoustics in here as my sobbing bounces of the tiles, and the floor is so cold, like my heart.

Borissimo 12 June 2018

That paragraph was absolutely brilliant - ending with and the floor is so cold, like my heart - deserves the Pullitzer prize.

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biggus 13 June 2018

Huh?

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Anonymous 12 June 2018

"there’s an awful lot of not very good players floating around an eighteen-team competition" - been saying this for years. Too many blokes playing elite footy who shouldn't be.

Geoffnet 12 June 2018

I'm reasonably confident a population of over 24 million people can deliver the several dozen capable footballers required to fill the step-up from 16 clubs to 18.

Beau from Beaumaris 12 June 2018

Geoffnet: you must be the only person in Australia (other than Andrew DimbItriou and maybe Gillon) who have that confidence.

Kretinburger 12 June 2018

The only good thing about yesterday was BT,s comment re John Longmire.That he was"going down on a horse".

Philth 12 June 2018

BT's other comment about the Port Adelaide Crows was also a good one...

Hui... 12 June 2018

Don’t worry about the Collingwoods win
I mean Melbourne have only beaten teams in the bottom 6
So It really doesn’t say that much about Collingwood

Damien 12 June 2018

Collingwood for premiers till the next loss

Marty 12 June 2018

Based on your comments for the last few rounds, you haven't really watched any of the Brisbane games. Us up here in QLD are relatively used to that - not only because we're in QLD, and even the AFL haven't figured out that there are teams up here, but also because, if I wasn't a Lions fan, I can't say I'd want to watch them either. Spectating sport is supposed to be a form of entertainment, and neither the words "sport" nor "entertainment" describes the Lions since about 2005. Sad but true.

Was hoping for a bit on the byes as well - this round was the only time that Carlton were unlikely to lose a game!

george smith 12 June 2018

Sadly, "they" have started to say Collingwood can win the premiership this year, just like Melbourne and North...

Brent 12 June 2018

St Kilda allowed the Swans to kick the opening nine goals, which is considered by footballing purists as ‘not ideal-Gold Titus
-I needed cheering up after watching freo trump the Crows by fielding a team which was largely made up of players from the Tantanoola thirds!

Bloke from the Outer 12 June 2018

A bit harsh to call Freo's team the Tantanoola thirds.

Ezydoesitbigfella 13 June 2018

True that - they play more like the Tantanoola Seconds

Terry Wal-ass 12 June 2018

Due to the public holiday your a day late and produce this lame tripe.

Anonymous 12 June 2018

Fremantle weren't "lucky" to win. A lot of Adelaide behinds came from pot shots that would have been lucky if they went through. Titus just another Victorian hack who doesn't even bother to watch interstate games.

Brent 12 June 2018

This web site is not for you mate-stick to your Basil Zempilas blogs.
Titus is sports journalism royalty!

Anonymous 12 June 2018

Journalism? Standards must be very low. Recycled attempts at humor is not journalism lol.

Wanahockaluegue 12 June 2018

Here , here , if you don't satire , give it away mate

Anonymous 12 June 2018

Satire doesn't mean say some vagueley humerours stupod statement and hope for a reaction.

Lol "ViCbIaS" 12 June 2018

"Titus just another Victorian hack who doesn't even bother to watch interstate games"

Aww poor diddums feels hard done by because they can't host a GF in their 30,000 peanut capacity stadium. Boo-hoo. Must be really hard to have ACTUAL HOME GAMES during the H&A season unlike all victorian clubs (minus Geelong, most H games).

Anonymous 12 June 2018

Didn't even mention the MCG or home/away disadvantage. Must have toughed a nerve. Maybe Richmond haven't won an away game all year. Maybe travelling does have an actual effect on teams. Who woulda thunk it.

CLIVE WATERHOUSE'S UNDERPANTS 12 June 2018

Loved seeing Brennan and Mason slotting goals for their teams. Two big Coxs' who really stood up for their teams - much like my dad did for me 9 months prior to my birth.

Samantha 12 June 2018

Love this!

London 12 June 2018

The dee's are yet to match it with the decent mobs, they have bashed around teams with leaky defense's and midfields. Pies were red hot, but melbourne let them run rings around them.

Can we get a petition to vote if gold coast or saints move to Hobart? or both?
Hobart Saints and Launceston Scums.
At least you would have real supporters turning up that actually like the game.

Antonius 12 June 2018

Brilliant Titus! Send your stuff to my son overseas. Makes his day. And he’s not much interested in AFL. Angone not finding you copy funny would have to be a moron.

Antonius 12 June 2018

Brilliant Titus! Send your stuff to my son overseas. Makes his day. And he’s not much interested in AFL. Angone not finding you copy funny would have to be a moron.

Timmo73 13 June 2018

What's with all the trolls lately? Oh yeah, they take the sarcastic and humorous comments about THEIR team personally.

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