Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Tuesday you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Hawthorn (112) v Adelaide (109)

Oh I like this, a classic game on Friday Night Footy, like stumbling across a yeti riding a unicorn.

I’d actually forgotten Friday Night Footy even had a fourth quarter, in fact, I wasn’t 100 per cent confident there was even a second half.

This was such a spectacular game that you would have been happy if either of these teams had won. Except for Hawthorn of course, they’ve had enough winning. Not that the umpires agree with me on that.

There was a lot of controversy over the umpiring. Crows supporters and a lot of neutrals thought there were several terrible calls in the dying moments that gave the game to Hawthorn.

It had similarities to the Hawks close win over the Bulldogs. Personally, I find it harder and harder to know what the umpires are going to call. Some of the ones late in this game seemed surprising but then, so had a bunch throughout the game.

What the AFL really needs new scriptwriters. The story was great but the ending has been done to death.

Hire that guy who writes Game of Thrones. I’ve got a list of characters he can knock off first.

The main take out I had from this game is that the Crows are the real deal and luckily, their fans disappointment was somewhat offset by Port’s hilarious performance the very next day.

Sydney (88) v West Coast (49)

These Eagles don’t like the road do they? I don’t blame them. Victorian teams squeal like stuck pigs if they have to fly to Adelaide twice in one year, let alone from Perth to the Eastern states every fortnight.

This was a lot closer than the final score suggests, with both sides wrestled for control while the heavens opened up at certain points.

The Eagles just seemed to never really have that extra gear to go past Sydney. It reminded me a bit of my old 1986 Ford Laser Ghia. A real honest workhorse but couldn’t match it with say, someone doing a brisk jog.

It’s too early to say the Eagles’ season is in trouble but they’ve lost to two teams that are in the mix for the premiership. Luckily, they get Collingwood this week, so they’ll move to 4-2.

For Sydney, this was a nice response after the loss to Adelaide. Ted Richards was a real stand out for them and kicked his first goal since 2013.

Maybe swing Ted forward more and play Buddy back? No, you’re right, that is the worst idea in the history of human thought.

Gold Coast (81) v North Melbourne (119)

This consistency from North Melbourne is both unnatural and unnerving.

Sure, it’s easy to look at North’s draw and say they had it easy but let’s remember that these are usually the games North lose. Normally, I’d expect them to be 3-2 not 5-0 at this point. People need to give them some credit.

Does that mean I think North are actually good? Lord no, they haven’t played anyone yet.

To be fair, I do think they seem improved on last year and against Gold Coast they were just a step ahead all game, before crushing them in the final quarter.

North fans think they’re the Rodney Dangerfield of the AFL getting no respect but that could all change this Friday when they take on the Bulldogs. Win that and people will have to take notice.

The Suns received the bad news this week that they’re off to China because David Koch had a crazy idea. They should just be thankful Kochie didn’t think Syria had great ‘synergies’.

No wonder the players seemed a bit distracted. Probably wondering what team to request a trade to before being made to run around in China’s brutal industrial strength pollution.

This talk of the Suns playing finals, like it’s some inevitability, is laughable.

They head to Geelong this week and after that Melbourne and GWS. It’s not inconceivable for the Suns to lose all three.

They’d want to cut down on their errors. They made more than I did in my twenties.

Western Bulldogs (120) v Brisbane (67)

The Bulldogs somehow managed to sneak across the line in this one, despite Tom Boyd’s absence.

This was a nothing game really. I was dead keen to nod off while watching it and the only reason I didn’t, was my intense commitment to you dear reader and the seven coffees I’d drunk that morning.

The Lions gave this a go but the Bulldogs are just streets ahead, a couple of suburbs actually. The ball just kept coming into the Lions’ defensive 50 with the frequency of new home renovation shows on Australian network TV.

Brisbane are a reminder that you don’t want to go into a season without a semblance of a forward line or bad things happen. Just ask Fremantle and Collingwood.

Port Adelaide (59) v Geelong (107)

This was a game of one quarter and then three other quarters, resulting in a total of four quarters. Fact.

The first quarter was all Port and it had a fair bit of spite too. Probably something to do with Patrick Dangerfield leaving Port Adelaide’s arch rivals last year.

Actually, that makes no sense at all. Unless it was a ‘nobody insults South Australia’ thing.

My memory may be a bit hazy but I do seem to remember Dangerfield saying ‘I can’t wait to leave the social and economic wasteland that is South Australia and I hope hell opens up and swallows it and its people whole, leaving no trace on this physical plane of it having ever existed’ or words to that effect. I may be paraphrasing.

After the first quarter, we got ourselves our first melee of the round, a trend that would see the Match Review Panel issue $29,500 in fines for this round.

That’s the cost of a small business in South Australia, like Santos for example.

It was a good melee too, some of the toughest hugging and jumper clenching I’ve seen.

That ‘brawl’ seemed to jolt the Power out of their funk and they got back to playing ‘the Port Adelaide way’, which means they got smashed for the next three quarters with them making barely a whimper.

After the game, David Koch argued forcefully that he hasn’t taken his eye off the footy department, while he flew back to Sydney while working out details for China and preparing for Sunrise during the week.

It’s weird how Kochie throwing everyone that he sort-of-works with him under the bus didn’t have amazing results. That move usually always works wonders with staff.

Personally, I had my doubts about Port from the moment Jimmy Toumpas, who didn’t even excel in Melbourne’s VFL side, walked straight into the Power’s best 22.

St Kilda (79) v Greater Western Sydney (126)

Saints coach Alan Richardson slammed his players after the game for too many of them standing around while others did the hard work.

He was right too. It was like watching council workers doing roadworks.

The most disappointing part is that effort is something this young team usually provide.

The Giants on the other hand were willing to run and tackle and Jeremy Cameron’s return resulted in five goals.

Toby Greene was the stand out for the Giants, proving once again that teams will put up with a lot off the field of you can deliver on it. Isn’t that heartwarming?

The key question from this game regarded the guacamole I made while watching it. It was good but I probably put a bit too much onion in it.

Not that I mind onion, it’s a very serviceable bulb vegetable; it was more a balance of flavours thing, always the challenge with guacamole. Consistency was good however.

Perhaps I should have added more lemon juice? Anyway, something to think about for next round.

Fremantle (68) v Carlton (72)

A tough game to watch. Just knowing either Carlton or Fremantle would win was bad enough, then there was the quality of football.

It was just awful. An affront to anyone who has ever loved football and even future generations who are yet to do so.

Fremantle really proved their bottom four bona fides. They are a serious threat for the wooden spoon.

It’s hard to know what’s gone wrong at the Dockers. Injuries are surely a part and losing Fyfe to a fractured leg isn’t just the salt in the wound. It’s another bigger, more painful wound.

My theory is that when Ross spent a lot of time talking to Clarkson on the International Rules junket, Clarko fed him a lot of nonsense. Like ‘fitness is overrated’ and ‘hire a couple of my assistants’.

Lyon used to dream of losing Grand Finals but the Dockers will be in no position to lose on the biggest stage this season.

Carlton fans would be thrilled. Suddenly they are not as big a laughing stock as Fremantle, a worthy achievement.

We can’t even make jokes about them tanking anymore. A real shame, I threw out a terabyte of one liners this morning. Wait, can I use them for Freo? How do you recover a USB you set on fire?

Melbourne (129) v Richmond (96)

Going to an ad break during the Last Post, like Channel Seven did, is pretty bad. It’s not ‘fund a botched kidnapping operation in Lebanon’ bad but still less than ideal.

Yet, we don’t know if the ANZACs would have actually been keen to find out details about when My Kitchen Ruleswas screening and wouldn’t have minded.

It’s one of those great historical ‘what ifs’. My bet is they would have minded. A lot.

Before this game it was impossible to know if Melbourne’s inability to win two games in a row or Richmond’s ability to crush its fans’ hopes, was stronger. Now we know.

The footy gods just love to crush Tigers supporters. They are relentless and heartless about doing so. If only the Richmond players were so relentless.

There was a fair bit of niggle in this one too. People got really upset with Tom Bugg after making a gesture to the crowd . I’m not sure why, it’s not like he threw an invisible spear that could have really hurt someone’s feelings.

He also pushed Jack Riewoldt when he was in the hands of the trainers. As a Melbourne fan, I wasn’t happy with that. It reflected poorly on the club and the private school Bugg went to.

Bugg was to be slightly outdone later on when Alex Rance elbowed Jack Watts in the back of the head while Jack lay on the ground. It was a shocking act, like shooting Bambi.

Yet it was not as shocking as the commentary that followed, where they made excuse for Rance, like he was the victim. It was like we were meant to feel sorry for him because he elbowed someone when they weren’t looking.

Rance will now miss two weeks but a better punishment would be making him play the next two games. That’s how bad Richmond are.

You could say they have a lot of passengers but passengers are usually linked to something that has a level of forward momentum. Something that’s actually going somewhere, which Richmond are not.

So many of their players seem to not know where they’re meant to be. Like watching a bunch of middle-aged men try to negotiate a department store.

The only question out of this for Melbourne is ‘what the hell happened against Essendon?’

I mean, two wins in a row should not really be a cause for celebration.

Still, I haven’t been to sleep since and the commemorative tattoo I got is starting to get really itchy.

Collingwood v Essendon

In hindsight, scheduling a NAB Challenge game on ANZAC Day was probably a mistake.

Still, it gave us the chance to see new Brownlow medal favourite Mason Cox put on a master class of ten possessions against a VFL grade Bombers unit.

To be honest, you could put any random American in this side and they’d be an upgrade on Travis Cloke.

I know what you’re all thinking ‘any American? What about Donald Trump?’ It’s a fair point.

I see him more as a centre half back type though. Just building a wall along the defensive 50. It would be a terrific wall, just ask him, he’ll tell you.

This was a huge percentage boost for the Pies and it could be crucial in the battle for thirteenth spot.

There’s no doubt that everything is now fixed at Collingwood. I think I speak for all of us when I say they should extend Buckley again, right now.

Essendon fans will probably be more than a bit annoyed with the effort.

Just goes to show, when it comes to drugs, stick to illicit, not performance enhancing.