The greatest day of the year is almost here. It’s better than Christmas, a lot better than Easter and more romantic than Valentines Day.

This year’s Grand Final is no exception. Here is the only guide you need to this year’s game. It is frequently inaccurate.

Musical Entertainment

The Temper Trap and Paul Kelly will provide this year’s musical entertainment. This is a terrible outcome. Both seem to be fairly competent at live performances.

For me, musical acts at sporting events need to be absolute train wrecks; anything else is a waste of my aimless and misused time.

Last year’s performance by Meatloaf was one of the best things I’ve seen of all time. It was like someone’s drunk uncle getting up to ‘have a sing’ at a 21st except in front of 90,000 plus and a TV audience in the millions.

Let’s hope Paul Kelly decides to launch himself as a hip-hop artist, otherwise just talk over this section.

TV Commentary

If you’re one of the many not at the game, you get to enjoy the Channel Seven commentary. It’s pretty much a national pastime to make fun of them.

The main callers are Bruce McAvaney and Dennis Cometti and are supported by experts Leigh Matthews, Tim Watson, Tom Harley and Matthew Richardson.

Others such as Luke Darcy, Cameron Ling, Brett Kirk, should also get a run.

I like to have a drink every time Dennis Commetti makes a pop culture reference. I also like to have a drink whenever the Earth is rotating on its axis.

Bruce almost faints with excitement every time Cyril Rioli goes near the ball. He uses the words ‘clever’ and ‘special’ a lot and will occasionally cause a lot of awkwardness by describing something on the field as delicious.

This will be followed by a moment of silence in the commentary box while everyone pretends it didn’t happen.

The Teams

Hawthorn

Overview

The Hawks are an annoyingly successful team based in the leafy (rich) eastern suburbs of Melbourne. Hawthorn is an indigenous word meaning ‘land of private school students.’

They have been a very successful club and the most dominant team in the eighties. Their last Premiership win was in 2008.

It is perfectly acceptable to hate Hawthorn and describe them as arrogant. Hawks fans won’t care, as they are rich and successful.

I think they also own Tasmania or something.

Season

Hawthorn finished the season on the top of the ladder with 17 wins and 5 losses. There is a reason why it’s called the minor Premiership though, its because nobody really cares, like that most improved award you won in the under nines.

The Hawks haven’t lost since August 3 against Geelong. If you’re watching with Hawks fans you should constantly mention that they’re due for a loss.

Hawthorn has already played Sydney twice this year. In Round 5 they lost 106-69 at Aurora Stadium, which is located in the national park known as Tasmania.

In Round 22 they met again in Sydney where Hawthorn prevailed 102-95 in a great game where Sydney blew a good lead. The minute this game finished, I instantly said these two teams would meet in the Grand Final (this is not accurate in a factual sense).

Star Players

Luke Hodge- The Hawthorn Captain is a tough, versatile playmaker who can play in the midfield, up forward or in defence where he directs Hawthorn’s rebound into attack.

He is also one miracle away from sainthood. Hodge missed the Preliminary Final last week due to a ‘gastro virus’. Some media claim he could be used off the interchange to conserve his energy.

Suggesting there was more to it than a virus is a great way to irritate Hawks fans all day and is to be encouraged.

Lance ‘Buddy’ Franklin- Buddy Franklin is one of the most exciting players in the AFL but due to playing on the same team as Cyril Rioli he may not even be the most exciting player on his own team.

That said Buddy is a giant forward who can kick goals while also playing like a midfielder at times. Franklin’s accuracy when kicking for goal is somewhat unreliable.

One minute he’ll miss one from straight in front then two minutes later he will slot one from an impossible angle while running full speed and being tackled by four people.

Sam Mitchell- Mitchell will be theblonde guy in the middle of packs getting his hands on the ball with alarming frequency.

Mitchell wins plenty of the ball and his distribution to team mates gets the Hawthorn midfield machine moving. A quiet day by Mitchell will be a bad day for Hawthorn.

Jordan Lewis- Apart from beinga very good midfield and lead up forward, Lewis also adds the wonderful storyline of allegedly taunting Swans’ ruckman Shane Mumford on his weight when the two bumped into each other at an LA nightclub a few years ago.

The resulting scuffle left Lewis on the ground but unhurt. Mumford has said there are no hard feelings but that shouldn’t stop us commenting on it throughout the game. I am pretty keen to see Mumford yell, ‘Who’s fat now?’ if the Swans win.

Cyril Rioli- Cyrill is quite possiblythe most exciting player in the AFL. His speed, sure hands and ability to evade opponents mean every time the ball goes anywhere near him the crowd begin to cheer.

Even if you have no interest in football or sport in general, you will still get a thrill from watching Rioli dart around the forward line. If you don’t, you are easily the most miserable person in the entire span of time.

Coach- Alastair Clarkson is an intense, angry and highly capable coach. This is a guy who punches walls in the coach’s box during matches and yells at junior umpires.

To be fair Alastair only swore at the umpire during the under nine game because both teams had ended up kicking to the same end.

I’m all for encouraging umpires but it did seem to be a bit of a stuff up. As a Melbourne supporter, I’m pretty sure a few of our recent head coaches wouldn’t have recognised the error.

Injury concerns

Hawthorn is saying Hodge is a certainty after the gastro incident last week. If I were Hodge, I’d avoid any Mexican food till Sunday. Hodge played the 2008 Grand Final with broken ribs and was best on ground so his toughness isn’t in question.

The other major injury is defender, Brent Guerra, due to a hamstring injury.

Sydney

Overview

The Swans relocated from South Melbourne to Sydney in 1982 after they were lost in a game of poker by the then Premier after a night of heavy boozing (I haven’t fact checked this).

Once perennial easy beats, the Swans have been consistently one of the better teams this century with a Premiership in 2005 and a narrow loss in 2006.

This has won them a grudging respect in Melbourne. It’s amazing how teams from cities that are overwhelmingly indifferent to them do so well. Look at the Melbourne Storm. I call this the Nicole Kidman effect.

If you’re watching with Swans supporters, constantly question their true loyalty to the club and mention the word ‘bandwagon’ every three to four minutes and ‘fair weather’ on the half hour.

Season

The Swans finished third on the ladder with 16 wins and six losses. Late season losses to Geelong, Collingwood and Hawthorn cast a bit of a shadow on their run into the finals but strong wins over Adelaide and Collingwood see the Swans in good form.

Their form against Hawthorn has been good with one win and a narrow loss. They are anything but easy beats.

Star Players

Adam Goodes- The key forward/roving midfielder is a true superstar of the game. With 36 goals this season, Goodes is the heart and soul of the team with his size and speed creating match–up problems for opposing teams. A two-time Brownlow medalist Goodes needs to fire for the Swans to win. Hawthorn has a very good defence so this will be a contest to watch.

Josh Kennedy- The star midfielder leads the league in clearances and will be key to a Swans victory. The interesting sub plot is that Kennedy was traded by Hawthorn to Sydney in late 2009. Kennedy is also Hawthorn Coaching legend John Kennedy, Sr’s Grandson. Every time Kennedy gets the ball, remark to any Hawthorn fans that they shouldn’t have traded him. This will get old fast since he’ll get quite a few possessions, which is exactly what you want.

Lewis Jetta- Jetta gives Cyril Rioli a run in the excitement stakes. Both have blistering speed and don’t mind kicking the odd goal. Lewis led the Swans with 45 goals this season. Against Collingwood, Jetta’s length of the field goal was thrilling. I had to calm down afterwards by thinking about Melbourne’s season.

Jarrad McVeigh- McVeigh had 30 disposals and seven marks in the Preliminary Final and as co-captain with Adam Goodes plays a very important role. Jarrad played in the 2006 Grand Final which the Swans lost and didn’t play in 2005. He’s had personal tragedy off the field with the death of his four-week-old daughter. Thankfully he’s had a daughter since but if one player on the field deserves good karma, it’s Jarrad McVeigh.

Ted Richards- As a forward at Essendon, Richard looked out of place but since travelling North and to the backline, he’s been a consistent performer. Given Richards will play on Buddy Franklin, his performance is essential. Richards bested Buddy in their first meeting this year and did well in the second until Buddy cut loose in the second quarter. Richards could be crucial to a Swans victory.

Coach- John Longmire won coach of the year this year meaning all that money I put on Brett Ratten last week is gone. As a second year coach Longmire has done great things with the Swans but his pedigree is good, serving for eight-and-a-half years as assistant. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything for eight-and-a-half years except for that stint in jail for that misunderstanding. Longmire’s nickname is ‘Horse’ because he once killed and ate one with his bare hands while hiking in the high country or something like that I can’t rememeber.

Injuries

Forward Ben McGlynn will not play after failing to overcome a hamstring injury. Perhaps this could be the injury that decides the game. McGlynn kicked 30 goals this year.

Ted Richards is expected to overcome an ankle injury he picked up in the Preliminary Final last week but they would say that wouldn’t they?

Weather

The Bureau is saying it will be 14 degrees with rain and ‘local’ hail. Thank god because ‘foreign’ hail is the last thing this country needs. With the weather being so horrible, get the kids to cook the barbecue. Just give them some matches and an umbrella; it’s why you had them after all.

Prediction

I predict local hail and a narrow Sydney victory. I also want to go on record that like everyone else, I have absolutely no idea about what I’m talking about but am supremely confident in my views until I’m not.

Enjoy the game.