The holiest of holy days, Grand Final Day, is almost upon us.

When I was a kid, this day was the one day my father seemed happy. He once even smiled at me and said ‘fetch me a beer son and don’t stuff it up.’

It remains the happiest moment of my life.

It was years later that we found out he was really nice to his other family.

I was made aware the other day that some people don't follow AFL obsessively. Weird, right?

Even weirder, some of them will watch the Grand Final and have no idea what's going on.

So I've pulled together a little guide to help them out.

Here is the only guide you’ll need to this year’s game. It is frequently inaccurate.

Musical Entertainment

If you're new to AFL Grand Final entertainment, you've really missed out.

The AFL seems to either do the bizarre, like Angry Anderson singing 'Bound for Glory' while being driven around in a batmobile (true story) or the so bad it was beyond awful, Meatloaf.

This year we have two international superstars performing.

The first is Tom Jones! What's that? It's 2014? Really? Somebody better tell the AFL.

The second is Ed Sheeran.

Yes me too, but I looked him up on Wikipedia and he's a singer.

I admit 'international superstar' does seem excessive. I'm told twelve-year old girls are beyond excited though.

Apparently, Tom and this Ed guy are doing a duet together. That should please everyone, except those born between 1955 and 1996.

After this, Mike Brady will emerge from his normal yearlong hibernation and sing a reworked version of One Day in September.

I’m not sure what ‘reworked’ means, but I’m hoping he’s added some sort of ‘rap’ to it. Won’t that make everyone feel uncomfortable?

Adding to this, ah, entertainment, and performing the National Anthem will be Olivia Newton John!

‘Why?’ you scream at the screen, because it's 1981 apparently.

For those too young to remember, anyone under 35, she was in Grease, did that song 'Physical' and then nothing.

At halftime, there will be Auskick and a Grand Final Sprint of AFL players. This is the AFL basically waving a big white flag on the issue of halftime entertainment.

After the match, the MCG will open its gates, allowing poor people inside for the first time that day and onto the ground for a concert on the hallowed turf featuring Tom and Ed.

It will be free, which is category Z, under the AFL’s variable ticketing scheme.

Key Timings

1.30pm- Reitring players motorcade

1.36pm- Tom Jones & Ed Sheeran

2.02pm- Mike Brady Performance

2.26pm- National Anthem

2.30pm- 2014 Toyota AFL Grand Final Commences

3.40pm (approx)- Halftime

5.20pm (approx)- Post match presentation / team photo

TV Coverage

Channel Seven has exclusive broadcast rights to the Grand Final which is like finding out you’ve won a trip to Ibiza but it’s with your parents.

They show the game in Standard Definition because they don't care about the fans and the people that enable their whole business model.

Seems a bad strategy in an increasingly fractured media market.

Channel Seven’s commentary is the commentary people love to hate.

Making fun of it is pretty much a national pastime. You’re on safe ground being disparaging about it.

The main callers are Bruce McAvaney and Dennis Cometti and are supported by experts Leigh Matthews, Wayne Carey and Tom Harley.

I put the word ‘experts’ in there because Leigh Matthews scares the living daylights out of me.

Tim Watson and Matthew Richardson will be the boundary riders and Cameron Ling will provide ‘match analysis.’

If you’re a fan of listening to people stating the obvious and repeating themselves constantly, you’re going to be very happy all day long.

They also like to congratulate each other the job they are doing. It’s madness.

Dennis is the best caller in the game. I like to have a drink every time he makes a pop culture reference. I also like to have a drink whenever the Earth is rotating on its axis.

Bruce almost faints with excitement every time Cyril Rioli goes near the ball.

I’m predicting he says something like ‘Cyril’s hair smells like cinnamon’ on Saturday.

He uses the words ‘clever’ and ‘special’ a lot and will occasionally cause a lot of awkwardness by describing something on the field as delicious.

This will be followed by a moment of silence in the commentary box while everyone pretends it didn’t happen.

Bruce also likes to make everything about feelings and questions, for example, ‘you just get the feeling the next goal is going to be important don’t you?’

The Teams

Hawthorn

Overview

Hawthorn are the reigning Premiers and are looking to make it two in a row.

Apart from Hawthorn fans, no one really likes them. I think it's due to them being very successful over a long period of time.

That's not something Australians look for in a person or an organisation.

They are however a very well run club and excellent team. Wow, that hurt to write.

Last year, they lost one of their biggest stars, Lance ‘Buddy Franklin to their opponent in the Grand Final, Sydney.

Expect this to be mentioned several thousand times on the day.

Season

Hawthorn finished the season second on the ladder with 17 wins and 5 losses.

It’s been a pretty impressive season, given they had a lot of players missing due to either injury or from trying to strangle to death an opponent.

They even lost their coach to illness for five rounds this year.

The Hawks had a narrow victory over Port Adelaide in last weeks Preliminary Final.

Hawthorn have played Sydney twice this year.

In Round Eight, they lost at ANZ Stadium to the Swans 107-88.

Hawthorn had a few big outs in that game, but they would have lost by more if Buddy had kicked straight.

They met again in Round Eighteen at the MCG and the Hawks won that one 104-94.

Hawthorn looked gone in that one, trailing by 23 points in the third quarter.

However, they overran the Swans in the last quarter in an impressive effort.

Star Players

Luke Hodge- Hawthorn’s Captain is a tough, versatile playmaker who can play in the midfield, up forward or in defence where he directs Hawthorn’s rebound into attack.

I can’t think of a bad thing to say about Hodge, which is rare for me.

Sam Mitchell- Mitchell will be the blonde guy in the middle of packs getting his hands on the ball with alarming frequency.

Mitchell wins plenty of the ball and his distribution to team mates gets the Hawthorn midfield machine moving. A quiet day by Mitchell will be a bad day for Hawthorn.

Jordan Lewis- This has been a breakout season for Lewis. He was already seen as a very good player, but seems to have gone up a notch recently.

Now touted as a future Captain, look for Lewis to rotate through the midfield and the forward line, where he can be very dangerous.

Jarryd Roughead- Hawthorn’s main goal kicker has had a terrific season, booting 70 goals, the second most in the league. He’ll need to fire on Saturday, to help offset Sydney’s star-studded forward line.

Coach- Alastair Clarkson is an intense, angry and highly capable coach.

This is a guy who punches walls in the coach’s box during matches and yells at junior umpires at kid’s footy matches.

Injury concerns

Hawthorn small forward Cyril Rioli will play his first senior game since round 15, when he had a significant hamstring tear.

Last week, he played in the VFL Grand Final but was very underdone and sat out the last quarter.

Jordan Lewis was subbed out of last week’s game with a corked thigh, but seems good to go.

Sydney Swans

Overview

The Swans relocated from South Melbourne to Sydney in 1982 after they were lost in a game of poker by the then Premier after a night of heavy boozing (I haven’t fact checked this).

Once perennial easy beats, the Swans have been consistently one of the better teams this century with a Premiership in 2005 and 2012.

This has won them a grudging respect in Melbourne. It’s amazing how teams from cities that are overwhelmingly indifferent to them, do so well.

Look at the Melbourne Storm. I call this the Nicole Kidman effect.

In recent years, Sydney have been criticized for attracting big-name stars like Franklin and Kurt Tippett using a ‘cost of living allowance’ (COLA).

COLA has been in place to address the supposed high cost of living in Sydney and is currently being phased out.

On one side, you can argue the Swans have just cleverly used an allowance they are allowed to use and have also developed a range of other players from within.

On the other side, you can accuse them of having an unfair advantage.

Personally, I like to switch between the two positions depending on what is the cheapest joke I can make at the time.

If you’re watching with Swans supporters, constantly question their true loyalty to the club and mention the word ‘bandwagon’ every three to four minutes and ‘COLA’ on the half hour.

Season

Sydney finished the season first on the ladder with 17 wins and 5 losses.

This means they won the ‘minor Premiership’. It’s called the ‘minor’ Premiership because people don’t care about it really.

Like the ‘minor’ embezzling incident, I was arrested for. Nobody cares about that anymore, right?

The Swans started slowly, but quickly showed they are the favourites for the Premiership this year.

They destroyed North Melbourne in the Preliminary final and go in fresh and in great form.

Star Players

Lance ‘Buddy’ Franklin- Buddy Franklin is one of the most exciting players in the AFL. A half forward, who roams up the ground, Franklin can make the impossible look easy. He led the league with 75 goals this season.

Josh Kennedy- The star midfielder leads the in Total Contested Possessions and will be key to a Swans victory.

The interesting sub plot is that Kennedy was traded by Hawthorn to Sydney in late 2009. Kennedy is also Hawthorn Coaching legend John Kennedy, Sr’s Grandson.

Every time Kennedy gets the ball, remark to any Hawthorn fans that they shouldn’t have traded him.

This will get old fast since he’ll get quite a few possessions, which is exactly what you want.

Lewis Jetta- Jetta gives Cyril Rioli a run in the excitement stakes. Both have blistering speed and don’t mind kicking the odd goal.

Ted Richards- Defender Richards could be crucial to a Swans victory as he will need to keep Jarryd Roughead quiet.

If he can do this, the Swans powerful forward line should be able to outscore the Hawks.

Adam Goodes- The key forward/roving midfielder is a true superstar of the game. Goodes is the heart and soul of the team with his size and speed creating match–up problems for opposing teams.

A two-time Brownlow medalist Goodes was named Australian of the Year in January. That’s almost as good as winning a Brownlow.

Coach- John Longmire won coach of the year this year and has already won a Premiership with the Swans in 2012.

Longmire’s nickname is ‘Horse’ because he once killed and ate one with his bare hands while hiking in the high country or something like that, I can’t really remember.

Injuries

Sam Reid was subbed out at three-quarter time of the Swans' preliminary final win over North Melbourne with knee soreness.

He has proved his fitness however and will play.

The Swans have no other injury concerns.

Weather

The Bureau is saying it will be partly cloudy with patchy early morning fog. The chance of showers about the nearby hills in the afternoon.

It’s going to be 24 and sounds a pretty good day for football. Viva weather.

Prediction

With the Swans favourite, I’m predicting a Hawthorn victory by 11 points.