The holiest of days, Grand Final Day is almost upon us. When I was a kid this day was the one day my father seemed happy. He once even smiled at me and said ‘fetch me a beer son and don’t stuff it up.’ It remains the happiest moment of my life. It was years later we found out he was really nice to his other family.

So with that uplifting story in your mind, here is the only guide you’ll need to this year’s game. It is frequently inaccurate.

Musical Entertainment

Safety first here people. Anyone who saw the train wreck that was Meatloaf performing a few years ago, knows the AFL are more nervous than a short person at a St Kilda function about performers ruining their day.

The pre-game will feature Birds of Tokyo. Yay! Say some of you. I can’t imagine anyone being too excited about this but it’s not going to cause major waves either. After all, who doesn’t like that song of theirs or that other one they did?

The National Anthem will be performed by Tina Arena. It probably won’t be in Italian but Tina tells me it may be done as a medley with ‘Sorrento Moon’ and ‘Chains’ (I should clarify, it was Tina at the local pub, not Tina Arena who told me this. ‘Tina’ may also not have been her name).

Halftime sees Hunters and Collectors perform. This is a pitch perfect selection, as their song ‘Holy Grail’ is frequently used as a theme for the Grand Final. Footy fans will be pretty happy with this choice, especially footy fans in their late 40s.

I’ve sent lead singer Mark Seymour a note suggesting he try ‘twerking’, as it’s what the kids are into. I haven’t heard back from him yet, although his lawyers have responded and the police went to the trouble of visiting me at home.

After the match, the MCG will open its gates, allowing poor people inside and even onto the ground for a concert on the hallowed turf featuring Birds of Tokyo and Hunters and Collectors.

TV Commentary

Channel Seven’s commentary is the commentary people love to hate. Making fun of it is pretty much a national pastime. You’re on safe ground being disparaging about it.

The main callers are Bruce McAvaney and Dennis Cometti and are supported by experts Leigh Matthews, Tim Watson, Tom Harley, Luke Darcy, Cameron Ling and Matthew Richardson.

If you’re a fan of stating the obvious, you’re going to be very happy all day long.

Dennis is the best caller in the game. I like to have a drink every time Dennis Commetti makes a pop culture reference. I also like to have a drink whenever the Earth is rotating on its axis.

Bruce almost faints with excitement every time Cyril Rioli goes near the ball. I’m predicting he says something like ‘Cyril’s hair smells like cinnamon’ on Saturday.

He uses the words ‘clever’ and ‘special’ a lot and will occasionally cause a lot of awkwardness by describing something on the field as delicious.

This will be followed by a moment of silence in the commentary box while everyone pretends it didn’t happen.

The Teams

Hawthorn

Overview

The Hawks are an annoyingly successful team based in the leafy (rich) eastern suburbs of Melbourne. Hawthorn is an indigenous word meaning ‘land of private school students.’

They have been a very successful club and the most dominant team in the eighties. Their last Premiership win was in 2008.

Last year, Hawthorn lost the Grand Final to Sydney by 10 points. If you’re watching the game with Hawks supporters, bring this up every two-to-three minutes.

It is perfectly acceptable to hate Hawthorn in Melbourne as most people describe them as arrogant. I think this is harsh. Some of my best friends have met people who know Hawthorn fans.

Season

Hawthorn finished the season on the top of the ladder with 19 wins and 3 losses. There is a reason why it’s called the minor Premiership though, it’s because nobody really cares, like that most improved award you won in the under nines.

The Hawks are on a six-match win streak, dispatching their archenemy, Geelong (after 11 losses in a row to the Cats), in last weeks great Preliminary Final.

Hawthorn met Fremantle in Round 4, with the Hawks winning by 42 points in Tasmania. While this seems ominous for Fremantle, it was early in the season and Fremantle are now much improved.

Still, Hawthorn’s key forwards, Lance Franklin and Jarryd Roughead both kicked four goals in round four. Fremantle will need to shut them down.

Hawthorn have been seen for most of the season as the Premiership favourites, so anything less than a win would be seen as a failure. So no pressure then.

Star Players

Luke Hodge- Hawthorn’s Captain is a tough, versatile playmaker who can play in the midfield, up forward or in defence where he directs Hawthorn’s rebound into attack.

Interestingly, Hawthorn traded Trent Croad to Fremantle years ago and the draft picks they received resulted in Hodge and Sam Mitchell. On the flip side, Fremantle got All-Australian defender Luke McPharlin. See? Interesting.

Lance ‘Buddy’ Franklin- Buddy Franklin is one of the most exciting players in the AFL but due to playing on the same team as Cyril Rioli he may not even be the most exciting player on his own team.

Buddy hurt his elbow against Geelong last week. He says it feels ‘awesome’ but he would say that wouldn’t he? Expect Fremantle to test his elbow early because they are a big pack of meanies.

This could be Franklin’s last game as a Hawk, with Greater Western Sydney rumoured to have put a $10 million over five years offer on the table (here’s the recruitment letter). Bring this up will upset Hawthorn fans, so that’s good news.

Sam Mitchell- Mitchell will be theblonde guy in the middle of packs getting his hands on the ball with alarming frequency.

Mitchell wins plenty of the ball and his distribution to team mates gets the Hawthorn midfield machine moving. A quiet day by Mitchell will be a bad day for Hawthorn.

Cyril Rioli- Cyrill is quite possiblythe most exciting player in the AFL. His speed, sure hands and ability to evade opponents mean every time the ball goes anywhere near him the crowd begin to cheer.

Even if you have no interest in football or sport in general, you will still get a thrill from watching Rioli dart around the forward line. If you don’t, you are easily the most miserable person in the entire span of time.

Coach- Alastair Clarkson is an intense, angry and highly capable coach. This is a guy who punches walls in the coach’s box during matches and yells at junior umpires.

There have been rumours he would go to West Coast next year but he’s ruled this out, much to the disappointment of plasters all across Perth.

Injury concerns

Apart from Buddy’s elbow, forward Brendan Whitecross will miss the Grand Final after injuring his knee last week. This is obviously devastating for him and we wish him all the best.

In for Whitecross, is Jonathan Simpkin, who played in the Hawks VFL side last week, which won the Grand Final. Two Grand Finals in a week! I did a similar thing in junior footy. The coach said having me on the bench and carrying the oranges at halftime made a real difference.

A few other long-term injuries, such as Ryan Schoenmakers and Matt Suckling weaken their defence but the majority are right to go.

Fremantle

Overview

Founded in 1994, the Fremantle Dockers have been, in the main, embarrassing. The original uniform, the team song and relentlessly losing have made things difficult for Freo supporters.

Also, they suffer from an intense minority complex due to sharing a state with the West Coast Eagles.

Fremantle have been in the main, easybeats and spent a lot of time focusing on things like changing their team colours and voting on their club song.

This letter to the Eastern States Media sums up the feeling of Fremantle fans about the recognition they get.

This all came to a rapid close when the Board decided to dump Mark Harvey as Coach despite having a year to run on his contract and poached Ross Lyon from St Kilda.

Seen as heartless and ruthless at the time, it’s given Fremantle an edge they’ve never had before.

Season

The Dockers finished third on the ladder this year with 16 wins, 5 losses and one draw. Defensively, Fremantle are without peer. Against them, teams have averaged 69 points per game.

Getting to the Grand Final has not been easy as their path went through an away game in Geelong which is a notoriously hard place to win at.

Last week, they defeated reigning Premiers Sydney with a style of football that was as intense as an episode of Breaking Bad.

They harassed Swans players like a hormonal One Direction fan.

If Fremantle can keep up that level of intensity against Hawthorn they will do very well.

Star Players

Matthew Pavlich- This key forward and club captain is a true superstar of the game. He’s probably the only recognisable Docker to casual AFL fans.

Pavlich has been with Fremantle since he broke into the AFL in 2000, so he’s been through many a low with the Dockers.

Saying you want Fremantle to win because it would be nice for ‘Pav’ will make it appear you’re a long-term supporter of the game. If you say this to a Hawthorn fan, you should add ‘and I also hate Hawthorn because you’re all arrogant.’

Ryan Crowley- Crowley is a trash talking midfielder with one aim, shut down the opposition. He plays his opponent like Robin Thicke on Miley Cyrus.

Hated by other fans, there is no doubt Crowley is incredibly effective. When a Hawks player gets hot, watch for Crowley be moved to them and a quarter later they’ve barely touched the ball.

Calling him a cheat is a great way to annoy Docker fans. Not that I would ever condone that sort of thing.

Aaron Sandilands- Fremantle’s ruckman is a giant of a man, standing at 6ft 11 inches tall, which in the metric scale is really bloody tall. He is the equal tallest player to have ever played AFL and his head has a different microclimate to the rest of his body.

Sandilands will want to dominate the ruck against Hawthorn and will occasionally drop into the forward line.

Nathan Fyfe – At 22 years of age, Fyfe is a potential superstar of the future. Fyfe goes in hard to get the contested ball and has been excellent in the two lead up finals.

His mop of hair makes him easy to spot so saying ‘go Fyfe’ when you see him get the ball makes you seem somewhat knowledgeable (which is all you need to succeed in life).

Coach- Ross Lyon coached under Paul Roos at Sydney before taking the head role at St Kilda. There he turned St Kilda into a tough, defensive unit and took them to two Grand Finals, one a draw requiring a replay.

Some would argue St Kilda were very unlucky to not win at least one of those.

Moving to Fremantle two seasons ago, Lyon has moulded the Dockers into a tough, relentless outfit.

Critics say Lyon’s coaching style is boring and that he hates football. This is unfair and wrong. Ross Lyon loves football he just has no interest if you do.

Injuries

Luke McPharlin, Chris Mayne and Michael Johnson all had an injury cloud over them this week but have been named in an unchanged side from the team that beat Sydney last week.

The rest are all season-long injuries so shouldn’t be too disruptive to Fremantle form and structure.

Weather

The Bureau is saying it will be ‘the worst’ (may be paraphrasing). A top of sixteen with showers and possible hail in the morning, so there goes that morning run I was totally planning to do. Saturday will not be great for spectators.

Many pundits say the conditions will favour Fremantle but the one thing pundits do well is be wrong.

Prediction

I predict, I’ll be yelling ‘get away from the television’ all day and a Hawthorn victory by 16 points.

Hawthorn has been here before and beating Geelong showed they real have a gear they lacked in previous years.

Fremantle are a great side but people are basing a lot on their showing against the Swans, which was at home and the Swans were depleted and running on fumes.

Enjoy the game.

Titus is also on Twitter which people tell him is part of a ‘the social media’. Follow him to be mildly amused every so often.