In life, some people are born lucky and others are not.
For instance, being born in a stable, rich country like the United States Canada usually means a much higher quality life than in a third rate banana republic.
It’s the same when it comes to sporting teams. Some people are simply born lucky.
Take Hawthorn supporters, whose lives are a glittering parade of premierships and superstars and don’t start me on the five minutes you had it tough in the nineties or mid 2000s. Cry me a river.
For others such as myself, the sporting team you’re given at birth is like a giant millstone around your neck, constantly ruining weekends and causing you frequent, searing emotional pain.
But you love that damn millstone.
So much so that you can’t give it up no matter how unhealthy it is and how much it is RUINING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
Given that, here are some tips on how to make supporting a horrible team slightly more bearable.
Spreading risk
Any savvy financial investor knows that you never have all your money in one place. You may have some in property, some in shares and some tied up in the courts due to a comic yet disappointing misunderstanding.
Either way, the idea is that when one area goes bad, you’re insulated from it a bit more by having your money in other asset classes that are hopefully still rising.
Sport is no different. The explosion of interest in following multiple sports is undoubtedly being driven by the fact a lot of people have one really bad team, so picking some others in different sports spreads the emotional risk.
US Sports offers a lot and if you have a terrible AFL team there’s no shame jumping on some bandwagon in the NBA, NFL, NHL and MLB.
Just choose wisely, you don’t want to pick another dud over there or you’ve actually increased your pain. Hello St Kilda/76ers fans!
The English Premier League used to be a great option. It was very safe to emotionally invest in. You could just pick Manchester United and it would offset all your losses elsewhere. The only downside is you had to be a Manchester United fan.
Now it’s a bit more difficult. I mean Leicester City?
Stress Eating
The week in-week out energy required to hang in with a terrible team means you need a lot of carb loading.
And sugar and salt loading.
Mask your feelings under a pie and doughnut.
That way, during the game, when tears are in your eyes, you can say ‘I’m not crying, it’s just the jam in the middle is really hot’.
Some of you will say that eating that much bad food is very unhealthy but that’s kind of the point. Shortening your lifespan is an added bonus. Following Melbourne has taken ten years off my life and I’m happy because it’s a decade less of watching them.
Sobbing
After each loss, curl up into a little ball in a darkened cupboard. Just let it all come out.
There’s no shame, no judging in the crying cupboard.
Try to keep it as quiet as possible though.
A neighbour once reported me to the police on suspicion I was holding a prisoner. Once I explained it was just that I was a Melbourne supporter, one of the SWAT team members wordlessly gave me a hug. He held me a really long time.
They even let me turn the sirens on to cheer me up.
Drinking
Many medical professionals and government authorities say excessive alcohol consumption is a bad thing and ruins lives. They’re right but those people aren’t usually Richmond supporters.
Alcohol may ruin your life but supporting the Tigers or a similar side has already done that.
It’s a matter of trying to offset some of the damage. Now I’m not saying you should drink to stupid levels. Usually a bottle of whiskey per loss is about right.
Vent on social media
Going on for hours about the inadequacy of your team and the individuals who constitute it used to be the quickest way for you to alienate friends and family.
Luckily, social media is full of people going through the exact same emotional turmoil as you. People who do want to spend countless days recounting everything that went wrong on the weekend and the proceeding decades.
Join. It’s sort of a safe space, in the way the wild west was a safe space but at least you’ll find kindred spirits or should I say tortured souls.
COMMENTS
TalkingCarlton
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily GO BLUES!!!
TalkingCarlton
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily Pick a colour: blue, for example. In part, this led me to Chelsea in the mid 90s… Leicester is blue too + Ranieri is ex CFC. :)
KobeCoburn
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily at least u didnt have swap teams as 1 of your options!My indian mate is trying to drop the pies cos he can read english now
kellyexeter
Apr 07, 2016
As a long suffering Freo fan - I feel your pain. Yes, since Ross came on board things have been better - but these last two games have been a nice little reminder of the days where free psych sessions had to be part of Dockers membership
t01132715
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily or how to wallow in self pity a dangerous emotion. You might be suffering from Depression Titus but I am laughing a lot .
TitusOReily
Apr 07, 2016
t01132715 I'm suffering from Melbourne.
ManInAShed
Apr 07, 2016
Q. What happens when you support a traditionally crap team (Manchester City) only to have them sold to an oil sheikh and suddenly find they have more money than the Vatican but that all the new found success is actually rather soulless? A. Take up supporting the Tiges! Inconsistent service and lack of success resumed as normal.
t01132715
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602
Eishold
Apr 07, 2016
At least we Melbourne supporters have extremely well-developed coping strategies. When our team inevitably loses its 5th or 6th consecutive game, all we do is shed a quiet tear, punch the cat then move on with the grey hopelessness of our lives. If Hawthorn loses two in a row their supporters develop psychiatric disorders and substance abuse issues. I'd still rather barrack for the Hawks though
sinbadbay
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily what happened to the old days when we said things like this about Geelong #gurubob
demonman
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily perhaps you can do a piece on how our team (the Dees) can support US!
Plenty of copy from that one me thinks!!
Samosthenurus
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily betting on the opposition also helps.
tonyb1971
Apr 07, 2016
Us Port Adelaide fans are starting to feel your pain, Titus....
I need to get me a crying cupboard.
becc_
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily have you been to an AIHL game? Bunch of guys that bust a gut each week & don't get paid. The difference is... delightful
becc_
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily have you been to an AIHL game? Bunch of guys that bust a gut each week & don't get paid. The difference is... delightful
72nivek
Apr 07, 2016
As a Hawthorn and NE Patriots fan, I dont know what this article is about... oh hang on, I also follow the Redbacks.
mcars
Apr 07, 2016
Thanks Titus, wonderful as usual. (Signed) 3rd generation Tiger Fan
Sausage_n_Chips
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily brilliant Titus! Weary Tigers supporter just managing to work through the brew shakes to send this tweet...
GBO26
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily I'm a Swans supporter and have enjoyed a golden period for the club, but you always worry the lean years will return.
thebigrooster24
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily very crisp Titus... I used to work at the dees, and my doctor has likened that year to the Stockholm syndrome...
#mylostyear
RhombusHatesYou
Apr 07, 2016
KobeCoburn TitusOReily Your mate needs to be careful as swapping teams can lead to that most damning of social cancers - having a 2nd team
RhombusHatesYou
Apr 07, 2016
TitusOReily t01132715 It's not just the effect of Melborne on its supporters but the effect seeing this has on their family and friends.
RhombusHatesYou
Apr 07, 2016
thebigrooster24 TitusOReily Could be worse. A mate of mine's older brother developed Stock, Aitken and Waterman Syndrome. Terrible.
dlm1303
Apr 07, 2016
1. Shift to another state (distance and absence, and no judging friends)
2. Have an argument with the membership department of original club
3. Look at the club through unclouded eyes - how crap they treat their players and fans
4. Support Gold Coast
Mick_EFC
Apr 07, 2016
TalkingCarlton TitusOReily Our teams may be in a hole but at least we've got 16 premierships to keep us warm during these dark times.
Bombers will get to 17 first though... GO THE DONS!!!
Mitchell Peacock
Apr 07, 2016
This pretty much sums it all up, Andrew Yvonne Scott Simone Christian
Chris Mockford
Apr 07, 2016
Some handy hints to make life a little easier Matthew Peckitt
Nosey Norman
Apr 07, 2016
The worse thing about being a Demons' supporter is that the recycling bin gets full four days before the bin truck comes.
Emily Grist
Apr 07, 2016
Brodie Robert this is for you
Geoff Schaefer
Apr 07, 2016
My wife has started wrapping the TV remote with bubble wrap...
Phoebe Walker
Apr 07, 2016
Miles Rayner Caleb Rayner this applies to us U0001f629
Matthew Miles
Apr 07, 2016
Nigel John here's one for you Collingwood fans
Luke Rainey
Apr 07, 2016
Val halla Jimmy Bartley Joel Raneberg
Andrew Ross
Apr 07, 2016
Sam Gibson Dane Helmers this is so very true
Adam Hobson
Apr 07, 2016
Matthew Argoon Brilliant.
Dodgi Robi Cvitti
Apr 07, 2016
Some tips Davidos Anthony Limoli James Carlson
Robyn Hay
Apr 07, 2016
As a Western Bulldogs/Footscray supporter, whose blood is Red, White & Blue - Titus - you think you are in pain? Welcome to the bottom of the ladder my friend.....
Matt Saroni
Apr 07, 2016
Pale blue really does not match, guy on the right.
Davidos Anthony Limoli
Apr 07, 2016
Tips or for the tip?!?!
Jamie Andrew Gault
Apr 07, 2016
James Matear one of his better ones
Jamie Andrew Gault
Apr 07, 2016
Share this with your brother Pablo Edscasbar
George Komoneski
Apr 07, 2016
Guilty as charged.
Victoria Fisher
Apr 07, 2016
Tara Brady familiar face...
Will Slocombe
Apr 07, 2016
James Mcmillan dem Tiges
Kurt Zadnik
Apr 07, 2016
Ellie Duckworth I relate to this far too much
Joe Alamidis
Apr 07, 2016
George La Rosa really significant read for people like me and yiu
Kimberley Gray
Apr 07, 2016
Some good tips here Paul
Will Tinkler
Apr 07, 2016
Sophie Peach Ben Leckie Fred Skulley read this for a bit of understanding as to why I am the way I am. Hugh Tinkler, Elijah David and Angus Sutherland probably no different
Ben Harvie
Apr 07, 2016
Brenton James Jack we already do these :/ ...
Boatie McFloatie
Apr 07, 2016
True football depression is when you lose a GF by 119 points, get absolutely legless, go to sleep on the bus and wake up in Sydney instead of Adelaide, broke and with 51 text messages on your phone.
Luke Fleming
Apr 07, 2016
Luke Fleming you just do you
Marshall Bromwich
Apr 07, 2016
Robyne, Damon, Todd, Randall, Jake, Erica, Mikhaila, Lincoln - do you recognise our Irish mate in the pic?
Caitlin Slattery
Apr 07, 2016
Ann Nicholson you might relate!
Marc Gowan
Apr 07, 2016
I know a few people in this cagtegory ..so lucky I am not one of them
Sean Webb
Apr 07, 2016
At least Dan and I can just blame you Olivia Morrissey... all your fault
Angus Sutherland
Apr 07, 2016
Hey wow wow wow I've seen a premiership in my lifetime don't drag me down with you blokes
Dane Helmers
Apr 07, 2016
Scott Gabriel this is what our lives are like you prick
Jordan Gasparini
Apr 07, 2016
Ben Birkensleigh George Papa take notes
Ashlee Thrum
Apr 07, 2016
I do all of these.. Carlton hurts my brain
Jesse Newton
Apr 07, 2016
Charlie Maus some useful info for freo fans
Alison Brown
Apr 07, 2016
The whole Brown family can relate to this one - Mark Nathan Olivia andMadi U0001f613U0001f613
Will Tinkler
Apr 07, 2016
celebrate hard in 1995 did you?
Alison Brown
Apr 07, 2016
And Nathan i now see why the interest in soccer and NBA lol
Clinton Smith
Apr 07, 2016
FYI Daniel Webb
Paul Thomas
Apr 07, 2016
Matt Nicholls, have a read.
Matthew Holland
Apr 07, 2016
Craig Townsend you should read the alcohol section
Sue Dodds
Apr 07, 2016
That would be me!
Paul Aspin
Apr 07, 2016
He feels your pain Mark. Written from the perspective of a long suffering Dee's fan
Angus Sutherland
Apr 07, 2016
yeah 3 year old me remembers it like it was yesterday
Astrid Clare
Apr 07, 2016
Your life, William Laycock
Scott Gabriel
Apr 07, 2016
I read this on the tram coming home tonight, thought it would be rude to post it to your timeline. He's very funny Titus, tragic Melbourne supporter, but love the passion!
Rowan Anderson
Apr 07, 2016
Carlton, Vancouver canucks, buffalo bills. I'm all over this topic.
Thanasi Samaras
Apr 07, 2016
Samuel Terminelli Michael Zoumaras Costa Morias Kris Krotiris Stavro Zacharia Adrian Macolino this topic may have come up once or twice!
Nigel Routledge
Apr 07, 2016
You all over Courtney Mcleod
Cath Wallace
Apr 07, 2016
This is good to know to get me through the year. I guess you are already aware of these strategies though Ben Van Zeyl?
Ben Van Zeyl
Apr 07, 2016
Expert Cath. With the exception of spreading risk i generally commence sobbing, binge eating and drinking whilst venting at 3/4 time
Andrew Martin
Apr 07, 2016
Pete Sara Nathan Ridgway Wayne Thomas ... :D :D :D Good advice for our friends eh Ryza Martin Stephen Moore ... ;)
Michael Zoumaras
Apr 07, 2016
Hahahaha that's awesome!
Pete Sara
Apr 07, 2016
Don't encourage him Stephen Moore he is so nasty
Stephen Moore
Apr 07, 2016
We need to read it too, after last weekend :S
Mark Brogan
Apr 07, 2016
NSW Waratahs in super rugby - world's biggest underachievers. If that's a thing.
Paul Stenhouse
Apr 07, 2016
I know your pain Titus...
Brett McDonald
Apr 07, 2016
Nick and Jack....solid reading material.
Michael Stizza
Apr 07, 2016
Adrianna please tell me that is frank
Luke Nelson
Apr 07, 2016
Glenn Joyner this why you follow NBA?? U0001f609
Michael Stizza
Apr 07, 2016
That's made my night U0001f602
Nathan Ridgway
Apr 07, 2016
Pete Sara .... Andrew Martin wants as many dad jokes on his page as possible , that'll learn him U0001f602
Adrianna Meo
Apr 07, 2016
Tim Shallue poor Dee's supporter
Jessica Monk
Apr 07, 2016
Vanessa Wilmot Matt might find this useful U0001f61c I also now understand why Nathan supports Manchester United (and he says it's because we lived there!).
Brendan Moerman
Apr 07, 2016
Chris Moerman Some tips
Vanessa Wilmot
Apr 07, 2016
Matt Wilmot U0001f603U0001f44d
Shane Western
Apr 07, 2016
Aidan Kelly Bob Lowry you two will need this
Rachel Ortlepp
Apr 07, 2016
Hahaha nice try if you replaced 'a terrible team' with collingwood then this article would be the same #pray4tay #shewasdroppedonherheadasachild
Larissa Hurley
Apr 07, 2016
Sappy McNaught
Kieran Hurley
Don't we know it U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602
Courtney Mcleod
Apr 07, 2016
Shoulda seen last Saturday arvo...
Justin WR
Apr 07, 2016
Peter Gardiner might help. Damian Robb just so u know what it's like for Troy
Sam Dawborn
Apr 07, 2016
Tom Edney actually rather helpful!
Joel Djosovic
Apr 07, 2016
Bob Shallcross good advice for us Reds fans
Chris Moerman
Apr 07, 2016
appreciate your concern
Adam Wells
Apr 07, 2016
Hopefully this can help you this season Haydyn Kennedy
Tim Ballinger
Apr 07, 2016
We better study this Tim Williams Jake McGrice
Haydyn Kennedy
Apr 07, 2016
All of this applies to me.. All of it. Thank god for the Cowboys winning the NRL last year or I might've had to be talked down off the ledge
Adam Wells
Apr 07, 2016
Yeah I just jumped straight onto spurs after the cats missed the finals
Tom Edney
Apr 07, 2016
Titus delivers it again
Joseph Misitano
Apr 07, 2016
Alexander
Michael
You boys aren't 76 fans, are you?
Matt Gardner
Apr 07, 2016
Matt Jason Zac Jack
Matt Francis
Apr 07, 2016
Hah .. I don't have any good teams
Jack Carter
Apr 07, 2016
Saints, Hawks, Parramatta eels (formerly Adelaide Rams), Western Force, 36ers
Jack Carter
Apr 07, 2016
Lucky I've always been a Leicester City Fox
Roney Alex
Apr 07, 2016
Caitlin Therese how relatable is this!
Matt Francis
Apr 07, 2016
you've bled foxes and Denver Broncos since you could breathe
Declan Pye
Apr 07, 2016
Liam Pye some good ideas here
Michael Moro
Apr 07, 2016
Haha sure Arnt mate but don't you Barack for essendon ?
Caitlin Therese
Apr 07, 2016
So true so sad
Charlie Styles
Apr 07, 2016
Jeremy Gonis seems I don't need to do this after all
Simon Neal
Apr 07, 2016
This supports my long held theory that the Melbourne Storm supporter base increased significantly around the same time John Elliot's name was removed from the grandstand at Princess Park
Jeremy Gonis
Apr 08, 2016
I would say after last week that Melbourne are still in that "terrible" bunch
Charlie Styles
Apr 08, 2016
Wait five years
Gavin Lawrence
Apr 08, 2016
Nick Splitter.. Haha. Saint kilda/76s fan.. Talking directly to you there!
Steve Scully
Apr 08, 2016
Giosué Valeri Adrian Beltrame - 'Take Hawthorn supporters, whose lives are a glittering parade of premierships and superstars and don’t start me on the five minutes you had it tough in the nineties or mid 2000s. Cry me a river.'
jnewta
Apr 08, 2016
TitusOReily If anything, he's putting a gloss on it TimMcLardy 2manysourades ccumbrae NB fosterben
AzzKikA79
Apr 08, 2016
TitusOReily Always expect to lose, even when going into a game as clear favorites?
fosterben
Apr 08, 2016
jnewta TitusOReily TimMcLardy 2manysourades ccumbrae we endured those 17 years of pain well, i thought
Pdudley64
Apr 08, 2016
TitusOReily Will there be an unhelpful guide to round three AFL?
TitusOReily
Apr 08, 2016
Pdudley64 Here http://ow.ly/10l3fq
David Clack
Apr 08, 2016
Ann Clack better show Dad this one
Ashley Bruhn
Apr 08, 2016
Hayden Baker - We really messed up our lives with dees and Newcastle United.
Ann Clack
Apr 08, 2016
Sums us up quite nicely David Clack!!
Clint Montesano
Apr 08, 2016
Rex Creed a good read for you.
Mark Johnstone
Apr 08, 2016
Welcome to my world Michael Jenkins.
Mark Johnstone
Apr 08, 2016
Ashley Mills Adam Hipwell - something in here for all of us...
Chris Marciniak
Apr 08, 2016
James Skewes - better read this mate
kandrew19
Apr 08, 2016
TitusOReily
thebeggarman
Apr 08, 2016
AzzKikA79 TitusOReily yep. Also put some money on the oppo -creates a win-win result. Also can tip against your team -guarantees they win
Peter J Stuart
Apr 08, 2016
David Le Page, Ad van Amrooij, Angelo Petrakos, Dean Leishman, Ron Shanks, Ian Mckenzie,
James Skewes
Apr 08, 2016
That old chest nut
James Skewes
Apr 08, 2016
Start cleaning your tarps pal
The Original Buzz
Apr 11, 2016
I am a Carlton supporter, I know the pain well. It was amplified by them taking on Malthouse. I also follow the Raiders in the NRL, 3 wins and a draw (which is not a loss) and 2 losses. The Thunderbirds in the ANZ Championships who are the same as Carlton, 0 - 2.
I will be in the cupboard with my bottle of Jacks if anyone is looking for me.
Michelle Collins
Apr 11, 2016
Patrick Collins. Replace whisky with vodka and add a block of chocolate.