As a long time AFL coach, responsible for the care of hundreds of young men over my career, I'm often asked, ‘how do I stay safe at night?’

To be honest, my first response is to say ‘boil the kettle, get out the malt-o-milks and turn on Midsomer Murders.’

No one ever got in trouble doing that, although Nanette once was a bit peeved when I ate the last biscuit.

I'm a realist though and this approach may not appeal to the average twenty-year-old.

I too, remember wanting to go out and socialise with peers at an organised dancing event at the local town hall.

There was many a time where I'd break the 10.30pm barrier on a wild night out.

So here are my practical tips for avoiding trouble on a night out.

Don't go out with Mitch Robinson

This is just common sense. Mitch can find trouble anywhere. You could send Mitch to a pacifist conference and he’d get in a fight.

If Mitch asks you to pop down to the shops with him in broad daylight, I’d think twice.

Nothing good happens after 1am

These days, I’m normally in bed at about 10.30 with a good book, but if you are out, remember, after 1am nothing good will happen.

You will not meet the love of your life, they went home with someone more interesting and better looking than you at about 11.30.

Of course, I’m aware that technically my 6am Pilates session is after 1am, but you know what I mean.

Always volunteer to be the designated driver

Here’s an idea, don’t drink and simply drive everyone around. You are sure to avoid any trouble. Will you have fun? Of course not.

There is literally nothing worse than being sober when everyone else is smashed.

Don’t believe me? Try sitting with Eddie after a few red wines when you’re on the mineral water. Hint: he’s really big on Eddie.

Driving a bunch of really drunk friends home is a sure fire way to make you never want to see those friends again.

Don't be Mitch Robinson

This is kind of a continuation of point one. Most of you can pretty easily avoid this.

Have a water in between each Cinzano

If you do have to drink and I wouldn’t advise it, have a water in between every drink.

Even suggest when it’s your round to buy everyone waters.

You’ll find your mates really appreciate you pacing their intake of alcohol too.

Have a chaperone

One certain way to avoid any trouble is to bring along a family member.

Parents are a good idea. I used to offer my services to my kids, but they weirdly never took the offer up.

Dale Thomas is in fact the only person who has ever taken me up on that offer.

Great kid that Dale.

Stay safe out there young people.

Mick Malthouse