Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Brisbane (98) v Collingwood (91)

Collingwood showed once again they are very good at almost winning.

Pies fans would be well over media reports describing them as ‘plucky’ or ‘brave’ or ‘hard working’.

Fans like to hear phrases like ‘got the four points’, ‘constant, almost monotonous winning’ and ‘another percentage boosting victory’ about their team.

Injuries in their forward line posed some difficult questions at match selection for Collingwood, unfortunately, ‘Mason Cox’ was not the correct answer, but Pies fans already knew that; it’s concerning their coach did not.

After starting the season 2-0, the Pies have now lost three in a row and they face Essendon in the Anzac Day clash, and you just know Essendon will try something new in that game, like trying. 

As for Brisbane, they continued on their merry way but didn’t exactly dominate.

Perhaps the most surprising moment was when Harris Andrews got a fifty-metre penalty for gesturing slightly with his arms while standing on the mark.

It was judged he’d demonstrated his displeasure with the umpire. I shouldn’t say it was ‘surprising’ as I’ve watched AFL all my life and weird interpretations of the rules is very on-brand.

Many people are calling for a 25-metre penalty for such instances but be careful what you wish for. Give the AFL a chance to tinker and they’ll take it too far.

Soon we’ll have five-metre penalties, ten-metre penalties and a weird 17-metre penalty.

Friday

North Melbourne (71) v Western Bulldogs (139)

The traditional crucifixion of the North Melbourne Football Club occurred on Friday and continued after it.

Calls to strip them of this ‘blockbuster’ slot rang out again with a predictability that’s depressing.

Why shouldn’t North Melbourne get one solitary blockbuster? Are we applying football outcomes for blockbusters now?

How do Essendon, a team as familiar with finals as I am with female companionship get one then?

Melbourne certainly shouldn’t have hung on to the Queen’s birthday clash in the recent past.

That’s not even a complete list. I mean, should Port be allowed to play in the Showdown?

Sure, the big clubs attract bigger crowds, but giving only them the key spots seems to just lock that in, rather than try to grow all the clubs.

Stripping North of the only chance they get to make some cash seems an odd way to get them to improve and despite the views of many, they are a legitimate AFL club.

Plus, if we pull this from North, how are the Bulldogs going to bank an easy four points each year?

West Coast (58) v Sydney (121)

I’m old enough to remember when playing West Coast in Perth was as terrifying as a clown.

Unlike clowns, playing in Perth is no longer scary.

Rushing Luke Shuey, Tim Kelly and Elliot Yeo back into the team didn’t really work, but in fairness, West Coast currently have as many good options as Vladimir Putin.

The Swans were without Lance Franklin and Tom Papley but managed to cover this by playing the Eagles.

Any early concerns over the Swans forward line were put to bed early, when in a rather embarrassing oversight, Sydney booted eight goals before West Coast realised the game had started.

The good news for Eagles fans is that while the first half was horrendous, the second half was ever so slightly less horrendous.

Saturday

St Kilda (87) v Gold Coast (61)

Brendon Lade filled in for Brett Ratten due to the old health and safety protocols.

I love that they’re called ‘health and safety protocols’.

They could have been just called ‘health protocols’ but you just know someone in the AFL called a two-hour meeting to argue for the addition of ‘safety’ and with a thirty slide PowerPoint presentation as to why it was important.

But it is interesting that the fill-in coaches are five-from-five this season, finally proving my long-held theory that head coaches are completely pointless and are just a job creation program for ex-players.

Coach or no coach, St Kilda have won four in a row and are now third on the ladder.

Saints fans aren’t falling for this trap so early in the season. The ones I’ve spoken to are not taking the bait that this is the real deal, but they’re not unhappy.  

I haven’t spoken to any Suns fans, for obvious reasons, but I imagine they feel like they always do.

Adelaide (101) v Richmond (82)

Trent Cotchin may have kicked Taylor Walker, but highlights were few and far between for the Tigers.

Walker booted five goals, in a display that shows a six-match racism ban can do you a world of good and may be considered by other veterans.

It wasn’t all good news for the Crows, with Rory Sloane going off with an ACL injury.

Sloane said afterwards, “for me at 32 doing a knee is not ideal.”

Now that’s underselling it. For me, ‘not ideal’ is when I make a cup of tea, then sit down on the couch, then realise I left it in the kitchen.

As for Richmond, they struggled to defend. Gone are the days when they would choke a team. Now at best it’s some occasional light smothering.

I still think there’s the core of a good side there, but it’s time for some tough decisions to be made, which sounds exhausting.

Melbourne (120) v Greater Western Sydney (53)

Toby Greene is going to have to do an awful lot upon his return to turn around the Giants.

Against Melbourne, the surprising thing was the ease at which the Giants were left behind when Melbourne decided it was time to pull away.

The ten-goal third quarter was like watching a Ferrari drag race a kid on a tricycle.

The only thing left to talk about for the Giants is who will coach them next year? It’s a big decision for the AFL, I mean ‘the Giants Board’.

For Dees fans, there’s still so much novelty in watching a side that is really, really good.

Even executing basic things well still surprises me, and then you have momentary moments of brilliance and I have to pinch myself this is not a dream.

I can say to anyone whose team is struggling, hang in there, when it comes together it’s worth it.

Sunday

Carlton (94) v Port Adelaide (91)

I’ve never barracked for Port Adelaide before.

It was a strange experience and has required several showers since, but the humour value of Carlton giving up a 49-point lead during the Comedy Festival was just too high.

It really seemed like it was going to happen too, and Blues fans weren’t surprised, they’re now used to their team blowing sizable leads, what they’re less used to is their team still winning.

A Carlton side that wins regularly is like waking up to find someone staring at you, it’s creepy, unnatural and leaves you disconcerted for the next week.

Port Adelaide should be applauded for their fight back, but at the same time, they played the first half like, well, they didn’t play the first half.

Just imagine though, if they had won, they would be now sitting on 1-4. Oh, that’s not good either.

Ken Hinkley says he’s still bullish on Port Adelaide’s finals hopes. He must be on more drugs than all the people at Coachella combined. 

Essendon (59) v Fremantle (107)

It was in the third quarter you could hear the crowd turn. I know that sound, it’s the sound I get when I show up at an event. It’s frustration leading to outright anger.

And you can understand why.

As the Bombers faithful watched on, their team rolled over like a puppy wanting a rub on its belly.

A six goals to zero third quarter left the Essendon fans with that horrible realisation that the James Hird era was the highpoint of the past two decades.

Perhaps at the top of the list of Essendon’s problems is the fact their defence is not a defence but more a welcoming committee for the opposition’s forwards.

Matt Taberner enjoyed his stay immensely in Essendon’s defence, helping himself to seven goals.

Essendon’s poor showing shouldn’t take away from Fremantle’s performance. They are a rock-solid team in a league with not many of them.

Seeing Melbourne and Fremantle occupy the top two spots on the ladder is like seeing a Yeti, so rare no one will believe you.

Monday

Hawthorn (92) v Geelong (80)

The Easter Monday game always produces a good game, regardless of where the two teams are on the ladder.

Geelong would be not thrilled by this.

Last week, Hawthorn were destroyed by St Kilda on the MCG, in a manner so brutal even UFC fans averted their eyes.

This week they beat Geelong to just mess with everyone’s tips.

Again, we had another 50-meter penalty for umpire dissent after Tom Mitchell and Jack Gunston raised their arms in protest.

All this arm raising is out of control.

It’s weird that the AFL have stuffed up the implementation of a new rule, they’re usually so slick with this kind of stuff.

And then we had Tom Hawkins, launch himself into the air like a ballerina to get a free kick for a push in the back that wasn’t there.

There are astronauts who haven’t travelled as far as Hawkins did.

I’m not sure what photos Hawkins has of the umpires, but they must be pretty damning.

He gets free kicks for staging and then doesn’t give away free kicks when he infringes.

It didn’t get the Cats across the line though, this wasn’t played in Geelong.

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