Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Friday

Collingwood (80) v Essendon (92)

Normally, a Collingwood loss brings nothing but pure joy for most of us, but this time it felt weird.

After almost a quarter of a century, Essendon have emerged as a competent football club.

I had thought this was a thing of the past, like when you used to ring your friend on their home phone and had to talk to their Mum and Dad while you waited for them to come to the phone.

Make no mistake, this is a huge change.

Try explaining to anyone under thirty that Essendon where once a powerhouse club and they can’t even get their head around it. 

You get the same look you get when you tell them about Blockbuster Video or their being no internet.

They nod but they don’t really understand or believe you.

I spoke to a heap of Essendon supporters last week and not one thought they could beat the Pies, and the first quarter seemed to bare that view out, but then the Bombers fought back.

It’s not something we thought they could do.

Like seeing a snake play the piano, people were stunned, as the Bombers not only got into the game but outworked the Pies.

I would like to point out though that the Pies have a lot of problems.

Not for any great reason or to make a point, it’s just fun to point out that Collingwood have a lot of problems.

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Saturday

North Melbourne (87) v Gold Coast (83)

There were times when it seemed North could struggle to get two wins this century, but now, they have two wins in just sixteen games. Take that doubters!

And they played some exciting footy, like when Tom Powell launched a torp from half back that set up a goal.

It proved the matra everyone in the crowd lives by, ‘kick it long’.

The Kangaroos have a heap of great young talent worth learning the names of, like Harry Sheezel, Luke Davies-something-or-other and that tough kid people talk about.

They were helped significantly by the fact Gold Coast travel so reluctantly you’d think they were Americans.

Damien Hardwick was so angry with the Suns that he swore after this game.

Great, now young kids can’t watch the coaches’ media conferences, which they never do now I think about it.

They’re always on their bloody iPads playing computer games and gambling on sports.

Port Adelaide (102) v Western Bulldogs (54)

Keen to avoid seeing Ken Hinkley crying again, Port’s midfield destroyed the Bulldogs, in a brutal reminder that the Bulldogs aren’t that good.

Connor Rozee was so keen to avoid any more post-match emotion he had 18 possessions in the first quarter.

This would suggest the Bulldogs were probably not tagging him. At least you hope they weren’t.

It did raise the question, why weren’t they?

The Bulldogs problem is that ‘having Marcus Bontempelli’ is not in itself a strategy.

He’s good but unlike cricket, football is a team game.

The Bulldogs do have a tall forward line. It’s handy if you need to get something off the top shelf, but not for kicking winning scores. 

Geelong (110) v Hawthorn (59)

Hawthorn had a gaping James Sicily-shaped hole in their team on Saturday, and the Cats exploited it to the full.

There were no concerns for Geelong, as they ran all over the Hawks and cruised to an easy win.

Geelong’s real problem is not on the field, it’s off the field.

Where are they going to put all the taxpayer dollars governments keep handing to them?

Pablo Escobar had a similar problem and was forced to bury cash as he just had too much.

They announced the redevelopment of GMHBA Stadium, but the State Government gave them so much money they had to keep announcing new phases. They ended up with more phases than the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The State Government ended up giving them $260 million and even the Cats had to admit they probably had done everything they could short of covering everything in rubies and emeralds.

The problem was that even after that, the government still wanted to hand them money. I mean, it’s exhausting.

So, the Cats say, fine, give us $4.1 million for a new scoreboard. The state government says 'great', and puts it in the May budget.

But the Cats know the government is going to want to throw more money at them, like a drunk bank executive at a strip club.

So, they come up with a new $60 million training centre.

It must be exhausting. If the Cats want to come up with a way to not drown in taxpayer funding, just announce they are now a regional hospital.

Greater Western Sydney (116) v Carlton (104)

Regular readers of this column know I have long said that you shouldn’t lead by 39 points in the first quarter and then let your opponent kick 14 of the next 16 goals.

Sadly, Carlton failed to heed this advice.

Going against my normally held view, Carlton fans shouldn’t panic and assume the crash position they’ve held for the past twenty-plus years.

The Blues just had an off day. The pieces are all still there.

What is wrong with me? Why am I saying nice things about Carlton? Do I believe Carlton are now a good team? Am I losing what little cognitive function I had? Is it time I run for the US Presidency?

The Giants are now in the top eight, which shows you how tight this competition is, given they haven’t played like a top eight side for some time.

Yet it’s an even competition, which is astounding because the AFL have designed it to be even. Usually, when the AFL tries to enact an outcome, we get the complete opposite.

Fremantle (105) v Richmond (54)

Very rarely, I get invited to a birthday party or a wedding and in the weeks afterwards I bump into other attendees, and I say, ‘Wasn’t that a great night.’

Almost always, the response is ‘Were you there?’

That is how unmemorable I am. 

Fremantle can relate. They sit third on the ladder and the footy media and fans have even noticed them.

Even the media in Perth don’t really notice them. Harley Reid gets about thirty times more coverage than the Dockers, and the Dockers ARE SITTING THIRD ON THE LADDER.

Richmond had more media this morning, and they lost and are bottom of the ladder.

Being the Dockers media manager must be the easiest job in the world.

You could forget to take the work mobile into the office, and you probably wouldn’t worry about going home to get it.

Sunday

Melbourne (112) v West Coast (58)

Adam Simpson and a lot of those in charge won the premiership in 2018 and it’s been a disaster since, yet they seem to wonder why the fans are angry with them.

They’re like the husband who emptied the dishwasher a few years ago and can’t understand why their partner is annoyed with them about not doing any housework.

“But what about that time I emptied the dishwasher?”

Against Melbourne, a team they destroyed not that long ago, they looked lazy and clumsy, like an overfed labrador.

The Dees didn’t have to do too much to secure the victory, helped significantly by the Eagles mistakes. 

Worryingly, Max Gawn went off injured.

Melbourne’s medical team said that either his humours were imbalanced, or he has scurvy and that a good leeching should help.

St Kilda (84) v Sydney (82)

Nothing can stop the Swans, except perhaps Logan McDonald.

To be fair, the Swans as a team kicked 3.11 after halftime, so you can hardly blame McDonald for missing his late shot at goal.

He just doesn’t want to make a habit of it.

The brilliant thing about Ross Lyon’s game plan is that it occasionally works, especially if your opponent can’t kick straight.

The Saints just out hustled the Swans at key moments.

Take St Kilda’s Dougal Howard, who went over the fence and landed in the Sydney cheer squad.

If it was Collingwood’s cheer squad, he’d have left with a few bruises but all he left with were some helpful tips on purchasing property on the North Shore.

Things could get worse for the Swans with Isaac Heeney a chance to be suspended for swinging his fist behind him and hitting Jimmy Webster in the nose.

I hope Heeney uses the defence you use with your siblings as kids, ‘I’m just swinging my arms, if it hits you, it’s your fault.”

Brisbane (97) v Adelaide (86)

Brisbane are in the eight and storming home.

Starting the season like a group leaving a nightclub as the sun came up, they have in recent months got back on track.

They’ve not yet back to last year’s heights, but if they keep improving.

Brisbane have a good midfield, an OK defence and a forward line that occasionally works.

They could go as far as losing in a qualifying final. The dream is very much alive.

Adelaide can’t aspire to something as spectacular as that, but at least they weren’t terrible, which is the stretch target for the team.

“Guys, I want you to go out there and perform to a level that our fans can say ‘well, at least they weren’t terrible.’

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