Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Friday
Brisbane (126) v St Kilda (106)
If you’re a fan of rare events, like a comet or an eclipse, or a fun dinner party, you’d have loved seeing St Kilda score over 100 points on Friday.
Ross Lyon seemed genuinely on the fence about whether he was more annoyed about losing, or his team breaking the 100 mark.
It’s understandable, Lyon sides aren’t really designed for a shoot-out.
They are designed to make you lose the will to live.
Brisbane can win a shoot-out. Sometimes.
The Lions are now the very definition of average, with a record of 6-6-1. That sounds like a negative, but being average seemed a stretch target earlier this year.
Right now, they are by far the best of the worst teams.
After them on the ladder, the quality falls off a cliff. Above them sit a bunch of teams that don’t yet identify as finalists.
If they can find a bit more of the 2023 Lions, they are a real chance.
If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.
Saturday
Western Bulldogs (149) v Fremantle (82)
Despite access to business-class seats, it is still possible for non-Victorian teams to lose games.
And Fremantle really lost this, in a manner that could be attributed to them coming off the bye. Although that’s meant to help, isn’t it?
I can’t remember, I can barely keep up with all the opinions.
It’s why I base my opinions on either whatever the last person I have been talking to said, or what suits my deeply ingrained prejudices.
Sometimes both align.
This season seems to be a year where being a bit off means you get a belting.
You wouldn’t say Fremantle are a bad team, but on the weekend, they did a pitch-perfect impression of one.
Marcus Bontempelli once again starred for the Doggies with 30 disposals, seven clearances and three goals.
It won’t get the credit it deserves, but he had man flu this week and somehow overcame that.
Unfortunately, man flu doesn’t get the respect it deserves, with women often belittling it.
Really brave given they’ve got immunity.
Richmond (49) v Hawthorn (97)
Before Dusty, Richmond fans microwaved their memberships and dumped manure at Punt Road.
300 games later, and Tigers fans have seen three premierships, with the three-time Norm Smith Medallist being arguably the biggest cog in that machine.
No wonder 92,311 turned out to celebrate what at times felt like a farewell, even if it ends up not being goodbye.
Always with a sense of the occasion, Martin would kick Richmond’s first goal, but from there the Hawks, like so often they do, spoiled the day.
There is a clear and present danger that Hawthorn could play finals this year.
Using the National Terrorism Threat Advisory System’s five-level scale, we are at Possible.
They keep winning, and sure, this was against Richmond, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t all be panicking.
But let’s set that aside for a later date.
This day was about Dusty.
Personally, I think Richmond should honour him by naming their media room after him.
“The Dustin Martin Media Centre” has a nice ring to it.
Adelaide (67) v Sydney (109)
Gears. Sydney just have more of them than any other side this season.
When they go up a few as the game progresses, other teams just can’t go with them.
The Swans are a Ferrari, and the Crows are a Camry.
The Camry led by 23 points late in the second quarter, but every Crows fan knew this would just make the inevitable hurt more.
Deciding enough was enough in the third quarter, the Swans piled on ten straight goals to smash the illusion that a competition had been occurring.
Joel Amartey would finish with nine, with John Longmire pulling him from the ground, because why would you want to enjoy football?
Just leave him on. You don’t get a chance to kick ten goals in a game.
With the Ferrari disappearing in the distance, Matthew Nicks announced he thought the club was making progress this season, as he pushed the Camry onto the side of the road to let others pass.
Sunday
North Melbourne (118) v Collingwood (119)
A disappointing outcome for humanity and North Melbourne.
People may be focused on an umpire making another bad decision late in the game, but it was hard not to notice that the Kangaroos had given up a 54-point lead in less than two quarters.
North fans are an experienced bunch. They knew that a 54-point cushion was not going to be enough.
And everyone knows the Pies are like the Terminator, they keep coming, are made of a mimetic polyalloy that can shapeshift, have been sent from the future to kill us all and can only be stopped by being thrown into a vat of molten steel.
Collingwood fans are on a wild ride.
Ever since Craig McRae took over, he makes it appear like everything is going wrong, only to turn it all around at the last second.
He is the footballing equivalent of Columbo. Even when we knew who the killer was, we wanted to see how Columbo would catch them.
We know Collingwood are going to win, the interesting bit is how.
North fans will be feeling it right now, but the basis of something is there, for the first time in some time.
I’ve got one more show in Melbourne on Friday 21 June. It will be my last for the year in Melbourne, as then I’ll be announcing a national tour. You can get tickets here.
Greater Western Sydney (73) v Port Adelaide (51)
Callum Brown’s post-goal song is either one of the great party songs of all time or the most annoying noise pollution you’ve ever heard.
It’s all a matter of taste and depends on how much you love/hate repetitive beeping, which goes on throughout the song.
The song is El Sonidito by Hechizeros Band, a Mexican group and the music video is really worth a watch.
Not enough bands wear matching polos with band logos on them.
The song features lyrics such as:
Keep dancing, keep dancing
Look, what a cool atmosphere
We continue dancing with what he says
It loses something in the translation from Spanish I suspect.
If you have heard it before, that almost certainly means you’ve played Grand Theft Auto V, where it was often played in taxis, and would stay in your mind for weeks on end after hearing it.
Oh, the Giants won, and Port were disappointing.
But yeah, El Sonidito.
BYE: Gold Coast, Carlton, Geelong, Essendon, Melbourne, West Coast
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
Mick
Jun 17, 2024
Praise be that Melbourne didn’t play this weekend and therefore couldn’t ruin it.
the g train
Jun 17, 2024
You write Truths, Titus. Not opinions. When reading your Truths, coins drop on us. Sometimes pennies, sometimes Australian One Tonne Coins.
"Lyon sides aren’t really designed for a shoot-out.
They are designed to make you lose the will to live".
I could read no further.
I am a StK supporter.
Mosis Syndes
Jun 17, 2024
Just to circle back and touch on a point you make O'Reily. My Camry has just clocked up 250,000 km. It's a hybrid with bald tyres. If The Crows are keen, I'd give them 3 mths warranty; no gears though!!
Tony
Jun 17, 2024
El Sonidito....what a Banger!
BundyJack
Jun 17, 2024
Once upon a time, in another millennium, I was proud to say “I am a Crows supporter” I now live in Cairns, FNQ. And cringe when asked, “who do you follow in AFL”.
Son of Plugger
Jun 17, 2024
Great stuff, Titus.
"People may be focused on an umpire making another bad decision late in the game, but..."
But you did underplay this SHOCKING no-call at the death of the Collingwood-NM game. It was blatantly a bad no-call. And cost another game for Collingwood's opponent. These shocking no-calls at the death of excruciatingly close games always favour Collingwood. Every friggin' time. It's no longer a coincidence. The cohort of AFL inc, Umps and Collingwood are surely in cahoots with very powerful forces. Possibly KFC or (ironically) Carlton Draught. Who knows.
It's too much, Titus. IT'S TOO MUCH. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
HotPies
Jun 17, 2024
In two and a half years Fly has given us Collingwood supporters the following:
258 heart attacks
94 ridiculous close wins AND
1 Premiership
This is some ride.
TAKING ELSTERNWICK BY STORM
Jun 17, 2024
THE FRUIT OF PLUGGER'S LOINS, take a few deep breaths. That always works for me.
Greg
Jun 17, 2024
I can barely keep up with all the opinions. It’s why I base my opinions on either whatever the last person I have been talking to said, or what suits my deeply ingrained prejudices.
Gold. Gold. Gold.
Andronicus
Jun 17, 2024
Say bye bye to the bye. Is that what the Dockers would like to do from now on?
Vic Parkes
Jun 17, 2024
Son of Plugger, you may not have been watching the time the ump gave the ball to the Freo forward in the goal square after a Pies player didn't pay him sufficient respect. That caused the Pies to not win (yes it was a draw). The same bald maggot missed two instances of the ball being given back to the wrong player in the Saints/Lions game this week. Yes, I know I am being disrespectful to said maggot but he can't award a spiteful free kick against me!
Andrew P
Jun 17, 2024
Re: 50m non-penalty.
Wasn't it as recent as the start of this year (pre-season or whatever it's called nowadays) that umpires were overruling one another? Because they saw something further down the field? Or an earlier/later infraction? I've not seen one of those in the season proper. What is that all about?
I don't even barrack for Norf but I do barrack for not-Collingwood. lol
Lilac Mist
Jun 17, 2024
Freo take playing badly after the bye seriously. For us it means every game after the bye until the end of the season. Every year.
i still dream of Jeannie
Jun 17, 2024
The Columbo reference was apt for McCrae. May I be so bold as to suggest that the Kangaroos version of Al Clarkson has made him the skipper on Gilligan's Island? Loud voice, lots of pointless outbursts with an incompetent team around him and he will never get the ultimate - to hook up with Ginger or Marianne
Advahntage
Jun 17, 2024
Or even Mrs. Howell.
Floreat Pica
Jun 17, 2024
Ok let me explain. We have 100000 members. Each week we all contribute $1.00 each to the umpires benevolent fund. Do the Maths. It only costs us $26-27 each per season, and the umps get 2700000 to share at season's end. What's so difficult to understand about that? . . .
Richmond Pommy
Jun 17, 2024
Thanks Titus for the piece about Dusty , been here since 87 always followed the Tigers He gave us back some pride
Appreciate Hawks fans hanging around , glad so many came to see the game
Always positive maybe he will eventually rub off on Jai and Liam please stay
Son of plugger
Jun 17, 2024
@TAKING ELSTERNWICK BY STORM
So, I tried your advice and took several deep breaths…and it worked! I actually do feel much better.
@VIC PARKES
It’s more about the non-calls at the very death with less than a kick in it. But after breathing deeply for a few minutes, it all good now. It also seems that ump in question has changed his personal boundaries regarding what’s disrespectful? Perhaps after some counselling from The AFL.
Richmond Pommy
Jun 17, 2024
Still emotional I meant Shai !
Terry
Jun 17, 2024
The Crows have perfected the art of taking talented, high draft picks, expecting the Messiah but turning them into mediocre battlers.
faux tel
Jun 17, 2024
Funny as ever ... your blog makes the week seem possible.
About Collingwood: they manage to draw or win ~ only by the aid of umpiring decisions in the last seconds of their matches. This of course isn't some great conspiracy, simply incompetence. But it is getting too frequent and tedious.
As every "not-Collingwood" supporter (thx Andrew P) must feel, this is infuriating. And the AFL announcing the wrong decisions after the weekend must be increasing medication consumption for almost everyone. For players, that's the white powdery stuff, for others heart meds, blood pressure, and even for Pies supporters it might be a couple of Bex powders.
But my theory is that the AFL have a video on their website called "The last 2 minutes" for most matches. The best way to increase streaming of this video is to make the last two minutes of a match interesting to watch. Players bring it upon themselves for not putting their opposition away so solidly that people are getting a beer during the last two minutes.
Woody
Jun 17, 2024
MOSIS SYNDES - an interesting point there. I drove a Camry for a few years and it was still going strong at 300K when I traded it in. I'm employed by a taxi company now, all four of the cars are Camrys and one has gone 640K, two others over 500K and the newest one 260K ... pity the crows aren't as good
Gareth
Jun 17, 2024
West Coast having a bye meant I could enjoy my weekend
Mosis Syndes
Jun 17, 2024
Nice one Woody ... but have you driven the TOYOTA TITUS? An All Wheel SUV. Square wheels and a duel, cynical axle configuration. It supersedes the LEXUS PETRACCA!!
Kano Tiger
Jun 17, 2024
I read your column and then clicked on the link for that ridiculous song.
That’s 3 and a half minutes of my life I’m never getting back.
And the song was even worse. 😉
Ian
Jun 17, 2024
I watched the Collingwood Norths game at the bogan central bar in Legian. At half time I refused the generous offer from the next table to back Norths to a win. Instead I went to the dunny and never returned
Running Dog
Jun 17, 2024
Son of Plugger asks:
The cohort of AFL inc, Umps and Collingwood are surely in cahoots with very powerful forces. Possibly KFC or (ironically) Carlton Draught. Who knows?
I do. Hint: consider the membership of a prominent union. Some of them even think Carlton Draught is a beer.
Lorraine @57
Jun 17, 2024
Dusty, Dusty, Dusty thanks for the cameo appearance - just showed our young Hawks boys that you can still get a game if you only contribute 5 mins
Fifth umpire
Jun 18, 2024
FD actually had 2 byes in a row though one involved a trip to Alice Springs
Michael
Jun 18, 2024
Ian - who is "Norths"? Has another Sydney team entered the competition?
Matt H
Jun 19, 2024
I think this description in the comments of the El Sonidito YouTube clip page sums up the songs meaning perfectly :
@loaf6700
9 years ago
The lyrics speak to me. The countdown from 4 to 1 in a different language is a clear symbolic representation of the entropic relationship between man and nature. The "beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep" being a direct reflection of the human soul, as it projects into the abyss upon death, confirming its existence among a myriad of broken cries and hardened calls of relevance.
AshM
Jun 24, 2024
I think the non-calls against Collingwood are still trying to make up for the fact that a huge non-call in a grand final cost them a premiership. (Yes, it was clearly a shepherd off the ball and should have been paid to the pies) So maybe the umpires or the AFL are still paying that off...
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Jun 24, 2024
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Jul 04, 2024
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