Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Friday

Zak Butters (80) v Melbourne (76)

Zak Butters looked like an uncle smashing his nieces and nephews during a family pick-up game of football on Friday.

The ease at which he did what he liked in the pouring rain was astounding; he finished with 41 disposals, two goals and nine clearances.

At no point did Melbourne seem to consider trying to do something about the bad man hurting them.   

In fact, except for the third quarter, the Dees seemed fairly resigned to the idea that this was not going to be their night.

You could see it by how they decided to not show up until the third quarter, where, thanks to six consecutive goals and some poor goalkicking from the Power, they actually got in front.

But one quarter out of four is never an equation that equals success, and Port would be thrilled with how they got the game back on their terms.

Even worse for Demons fans is there’s a chance Clayton Oliver could miss a month with a hamstring.

I’d offer him my hamstring, but it goes every time I stand up, which my doctor says isn’t meant to happen.

Both Melbourne and Port managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

Saturday

Team that can’t do basic maths (90) v Sydney (93)

Maths is hardly the most exciting of subjects, I remember going to enormous effort to not do maths at school, to the point that if I’d put that effort into actually doing maths, I could be working at NASA right now.

Not as a rocket scientist or anything, but as a cleaner or similar.

Two strange things happened in this game. The first was that North Melbourne were leading with 40-seconds to go.

The second was they then managed to go over the limit for interchanges, resulting in a free kick and a 50-meter penalty to Sydney giving away the game.

It was peak North Melbourne. Kangaroos’ fans may be the most loyal fans in the world to live through all this.

It’s hard to know how to fix this so it doesn’t happen again. Perhaps North could hire anyone with an education above the third grade to count the interchanges.

I mean, you don’t need to even be able to count to one hundred to do that job.

While things were bad for North, things were worse for the Swans.

They’ve gone from competing for a premiership to being relieved they just managed to beat North Melbourne and needing them to be mathematically illiterate to do so.

That’s a fair drop off.

Sydney managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

Western Bulldogs (85) v Adelaide (40)

The Bulldogs couldn’t kick accurately, but it didn’t matter because Adelaide seemed to bring a level of enthusiasm to Ballarat that a group of year tens sent there to learn about the Eureka Stockade would.

That’s Adelaide this year, up and down like my uncle off his meds.

For a team that started poorly, the Bulldogs have now won seven of their past eight games.

In the first half the Bulldogs kicked 5.13, which could have been a problem, except Matthew Nicks said his side’s first half was the "worst of the year".

It’s probably the Crows worse half of the year, but it’s not the worst half of the year, in fact it wasn’t even the worse half of the round, the Eagles made sure of that.

That doesn’t change the fact this was terrible stuff from the Crows. The gap between their worst and their best is the distance between Adelaide and Ballarat.

Both the Bulldogs and Adelaide managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

Fremantle (106) v Geelong (77)

The Dockers have their season back on track, which is wonderful for them, less good for me personally, as Melbourne hold their first-round draft pick and I was getting really excited about what pick it could be.

Fremantle have uncovered the secret to beating Geelong, have Andrew Brayshaw get 33 disposals and lay 10 tackles and make sure, and this is key, ensure Dangerfield, Guthrie, Duncan, and De Koning are not playing.

All those outs meant this was a very un-Geelong performance. They had no one get over twenty possessions, and they didn’t kick a single goal in the last quarter.

To not kick a goal for an entire quarter when you have Jeremey Cameron and Tom Hawkins in the forward line is odd.

That’s like being out all night with Peter O'Toole and Richard Burton and no one had a drink.

And yes, stay right here for all the latest pop culture references.

Both Fremantle and Geelong managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

Brisbane (107) v Gold Coast (64)

Can you believe the Lions have now won nine straight QClashes?

What’s that? You don’t care at all.

OK. Well, possibly hundreds of people do.

Now, I know you come to this column for the big insights, so here we go, Gold Coast were good, but over the course of four quarters, Brisbane had better players and so they got on top and won.

Now that is insight!

I don’t know how I do it sometimes. Years of watching sport has given me the ability to see things anyone over eight can see.

This is still a higher requirement than to be a special comments person on a TV network.

It’s amazing how many great players get behind the mic and reveal they barely understand the game. Perhaps you play better if you don’t know what’s going on.

The Lions have now won seven in a row, and on top of that, they sit second on the ladder.

I could totally see them losing to Collingwood in the Grand Final.

Both Brisbane and Gold Coast managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

Essendon (71) v Richmond (70)

Essendon didn’t lose! And no one was more shocked than Essendon supporters.

The Bombers so rarely let their fans feel good about themselves but on Saturday night they could go home with a new feeling, happiness.

They were helped by a stunning performance from Zach Merrett and an error-filled performance from the Tigers.

In the end, it all came down to the last seven seconds, when Sam Durham booted a goal to win it from the Bombers.

The win was a strong message from Essendon that they will not let Richmond beat them 14 times in a row. 

Damien Hardwick said it was a horrible game, and it was; there were errors everywhere.

But it wasn’t the worst thing to happen in the stadium on the night.

That was Kevin Sheedy’s singing at halftime, a move that will set back reconciliation decades in this country.

Both Essendon and Richmond managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

Sunday

Hawthorn (142) v West Coast (26)

So, there’s the bottom of the ladder, and then below that is a trapdoor, and if you open that trapdoor, there is a ladder, and if you go down that ladder, there’s an elevator. Take that down fifty kilometres and there’s the West Coast Eagles.

The Hawks, who are very much not good, smashed the Eagles by 116 points, and it was brutal to watch.

Mitch Lewis kicked a career-high six goals, but it doesn’t really count as someone who had watched a two-minute ‘The basics of Australian Rules football’ video on YouTube could do that against the Eagles.

In the second half, Hawthorn booted 11 second-half goals while the Eagles responded with two whole points.

In a half! Two points. And those two points were surprises. Basically accidents.

The Eagles were without Tom Barrass, Jack Darling, Nic Naitanui, Luke Shuey, Elliot Yeo, Jamie Cripps, Liam Ryan, Shannon Hurn, Jeremy McGovern and Tom Cole. 

In their quest to injure all their players, a quest they are close to completing,  they added Jamaine Jones to that list.

Apart from getting injured, the Eagles show no enthusiasm for any other part of football.

To think, Geelong briefly worried about losing Tim Kelly to the Eagles. I mean I know he wanted to be closer to family, but does anyone like their family that much? 

Both Hawthorn and West Coast managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

Carlton (57) v Collingwood (85)

Kicking the ball constantly to Darcy Moore is an interesting tactic for a team that is not Collingwood, but Carlton embraced the concept with gusto on Sunday.

A lot of people wondered why they would adopt such a tactic, but those people don’t understand the game like Michael Voss does. There’s a reason the Blues appointed him coach. 

Apart from when Bane released all the prisoners in The Dark Knight Rises, for Collingwood this season is the dream they hoped would come true.

They win all the time, they’re exciting and they showed they can do something Carlton can’t, improve.

The Blues have now lost five of their past six games, getting their late-season collapse out of the way early, which is nice for Blues fans, get all that angst out of the way early.

Carlton never looked close. The Pies just outran them all day, the Pies outrun everyone.

Look, I don’t want to overreact, but we need to get some legislation passed to ban Craig McRae from coaching.

The Pies cannot lose the premiership this season.

Both Carlton and Collingwood managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

Greater Western Sydney (80) v St Kilda (92)

Max King was back for the Saints, overcoming a shoulder reconstruction and a hamstring injury which seems excessive for a young man.

Let’s hope he doesn’t come down with consumptions or rickets. All I’m saying is make sure he gets his citrus rations.

It was a good return too; he finished with four goals and was the difference in this.

Perhaps the biggest talking point was the surface.

It was horrible.

Giants Stadium holds the Sydney Easter Show in April, and the ground has still not recovered and there were players losing their feet everywhere.

There’s not much of a fix for this, as they insist on holding the Sydney Easter Show in Sydney and at Easter, which seems unreasonable. 

I guess the other option is to move the Giants. Tasmania is an option; they’re getting a new stadium and there’s nothing to share that with and the local are thrilled about it.

Both Greater Western Sydney and St Kilda managed to successfully count the number of interchanges they had.

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