Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Friday
Carlton (102) v Sydney (87)
There’s a new kid playing for Carlton called Charlie Curnow who you should keep your eye on.
He had six goals on Friday, five of them in the first half and looks like he could be a player.
If you’re a Blues fan, this must be the happiest you’ve been in a long time.
You’re third on the ladder, your coach’s post-match interviews don’t have the air of someone in a hostage video, and in a new development, you have players that seem to be really keen on football.
Even the fact that you give up sizable leads with alarming regularity wouldn’t be too upsetting given you keep winning anyway.
Swans fans would have been less happy. Buddy kicked a nice goal, and they fought back hard, but a lot of the talk about the Swans is how they are going to be good in a few years.
This has been said for a few years now.
There’s a point where you want to see that promise turn into outcomes, like when your UberEats order says it’s going to arrive in 20 minutes, and 20 minutes go by and it still hasn’t been picked up from the restaurant, and then when it does get picked up fifteen minutes later, the driver appears to drop off one hundred other orders across the entire city before coming to your house and then the food is cold and you’re angry, hungry and sleepy.
Anyway. What were we talking about?
Saturday
Geelong (82) v Port Adelaide (47)
False hope sales firm Port Adelaide certainly delivered on Saturday, as the Cats continued their week-on-week-off effort model.
The Power led by one point at halftime, but in the third quarter, the Cats remembered the Power aren’t very good and kicked away.
They would have kicked away by more but seemed to delight in kicking behinds, which is addictive.
The biggest concern for the Cats was not their goalkicking but another injury to Patrick Dangerfield.
This time it’s a calf injury and that’s never good. I once did both my calves while trying to find a packet of Nerds that had fallen behind my couch, so I can relate to what Dangerfield is going through.
Port Adelaide’s biggest concern is they seemed to avoid going near the ball if a Geelong player was near it.
Look, who doesn’t prefer an uncontested possession? But like all things in life, you get the rewards if you’re willing to do the things most people don’t want to do.
Western Bulldogs (106) v Gold Coast (87)
Collingwood player Adam Treloar celebrated his 200th game in style with a victory over the Gold Coast Suns on Saturday.
The exciting business model of paying players to help other teams win seemed odd to me, but in hindsight, it seems really, really odd.
The Bulldogs showed flashes of their 2021 form in this, but probably not enough to get anyone too excited.
Once again, when things got close, Marcus Bontempelli proved he is the answer to most football questions.
You’d love to clone him, and frankly, it’s a blight on the AFL that we don’t have the technology to do just that.
The Suns certainly didn’t embarrass themselves, but struggled early on, before mounting a significant comeback, only to have Rory Thompson and Jy Farrar go off with injuries.
Thompson must have walked under a ladder moments after tripping over a black cat and dropping a mirror, it’s the only way to explain his luck with injuries.
Some good news for the Suns was Joel Jeffrey, who in his sixth game booted five goals, with plenty of highlights thrown in.
He looks so promising it will be interesting to see what Victorian team he requests a trade to.
North Melbourne (53) v Narrm (100)
For long periods of this, it felt like North were doing incredibly well, only to then look up and see Narrm win by almost 50-points.
You could say they should have won by more, but that’s not really what the Demons do.
They just make sure you don’t win; it's defence first, then they wait until you’re exhausted. Then they pour on six goals.
It’s an interesting strategy and seems to be working for them.
North ran into two major problems on the weekend, Clayton Oliver and the umpires.
Oliver had 45 disposals and 13 clearances and was brilliant or annoying depending on who you barracked for.
As for the umpires, they seemed to have a blood vendetta against North, the incident where Tarryn Thomas tackled Langdon legally and was penalised for it was an early example.
Even the Melbourne supporters around me couldn’t believe it.
I did check with AFL House and there hasn’t been a rule passed making tackling Ed Langdon illegally, although I think there should be.
Adelaide (69) v St Kilda (90)
The Saints’ experimented with a new strategy this week, known as ‘accurate goalkicking’ and it would have to be cautiously given a tick.
Max King certainly showed the benefits of it, booting six goals and no behinds.
I’ve done some calculations, and if he’d not kicked that accurately, he would have had less than six goals. The maths is irrefutable.
While St Kilda would be keen to continue the experiment, they should be cautious, replicating the experiment against anyone but the Crows may be difficult.
The Crows certainly weren’t practising ‘accurate goalkicking’, instead self-sabotaging by booting 9-15.
Self-sabotaging is when we deliberately hinder our own success and well-being by undermining personal goals and values, which could be the Crows' motto.
A way around it for the Crows may be to get some mind experts in to run a few sessions. Can’t hurt.
Richmond (80) v Essendon (48)
The Dreamtime at the ‘G game returned to the MCG and fans honoured the occasion by having more than 50 people ejected for bad behaviour, someone bit a police officer, two fans ran onto the field and another person hit a man over the head with a didgeridoo.
This doesn’t seem to be the spirit of this game.
The police blamed fans “pre-loading” on drinks which does make sense when alcohol cost so much at the footy that you need a pre-approved loan to buy a round.
But why blame alcohol for the fan violence at Dreamtime at the ‘G, when we can blame the large amount of Richmond and Essendon fans in attendance?
Seems like we’ve got the answer right there.
Essendon talked all week about playing a ‘tougher’ brand of footy, and they did, if you compare it to last week’s effort, proving the theory that if you set the bar low enough you can usually clear it.
The result is still worrying for Essendon, Richmond still cruised to victory, with Tom Lynch and Kane Lambert sitting out the final quarter.
Could the Tigers be about to end their long premiership drought?
Sunday
Greater Western Sydney (138) v West Coast (86)
Worse than watching this live, I watched a replay of it. That meant I knew this was going to be terrible, and still put myself through it.
To be honest with you, and I think we have that sort of relationship, I did a lot of other things while watching it.
I did my tax return, which is always fun, learning that I pay more tax as a very average comedic writer than a multinational corporation does.
Then I read all the coverage of the election and came away with a sense that the thing that worries me most about all politicians, is they want to be politicians.
Personally, I think people should be drafted into parliament against their will, surely the results couldn’t be worse?
Speaking of being drafted against their will, that’s how the Eagles play at the moment.
Hawthorn (117) v Brisbane (112)
The umpires, now free from dissent, unloaded 63 free kicks in this game, the most in a match since 2012.
Now, I watch football for the umpiring, but I know a small minority of you don’t, so you may have found this game annoying.
For me though, this was exciting, there is nothing more majestic than seeing an umpire award a free-kick, and like all great music, it’s not what’s written on the page, but how individuals interpret it, and there was a jazz level of improvisation going on in this game.
In fairness to the umpires, the AFL is the composer of all this mess. They write music that’s almost impossible to play and then when criticised just tell everyone they’ve looked into it and concluded that everything is going great!
While the umpires had a great day out, the Lions did not, losing the game and Hugh McCluggage to a hamstring injury.
A moment that summed up their day was when Charlie Cameron booted a goal and celebrated with his signature motorbike celebration, only to crash and fall over.
Luckily, he was wearing an imaginary helmet.
Hawthorn are making a real habit of beating Brisbane and most impressive was the fact they fought back several times when it looked like the Lions were going to run away with it.
Obviously, Brisbane’s season is now effectively over.
Fremantle (44) v Collingwood (80)
There are few things worth than losing a game you should have won, at home and to Collingwood.
Fremantle ticked all the boxes on Sunday in a performance that suggests if you want to stop them, just add water.
Last week in the wet, Gold Coast made them look ordinary, and this week Fremantle handled the rain like they were made of suede.
Collingwood did something very strange, they adapted to the conditions, turning up the pressure and the tackling.
This was wizardry to the Dockers who thought adapting to the conditions was beneath them.
Instead, they adopted an approach of constant fumbling, which weirdly didn’t work.
For Collingwood, this game was perfect, they’re always good in terms of effort and the rain meant their skills didn’t matter that much.
Dockers fans would be wondering why does this always happen to us! Are we never allowed to be happy?
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
John Pearce
May 23, 2022
So Narrm is sitting on a winning streak of one. Melbourne would have had quite a lot but for the loss to the Mighty Blues in the pre-season. Just saying.
Peter
May 23, 2022
Have you noticed the football commentators don’t make comment on umpire decisions anymore, and the TV channels don’t cross for coach reactions? And remember the opening to The Bounce featured the 1960s footage of the crowd yelling at the umpires? Gone!!!
This is how you suck culture and entertainment out of the game.
TRintheus
May 23, 2022
3 points to make:
1. My favourite Ray Chamberlain did not umpire this weekend. Why?
2. After getting 7 from 7 on a multi on Titus's tips, I cashed out. Good choice.
3. I forget number 3.
WB
May 23, 2022
"Fremantle handled the rain like they were made of suede" - got me thinking they should be wearing a jumper of pink and white stripes a la Seinfeld.
GM
May 23, 2022
Dees 11 wins.
Narrm 1 win.
The mighty Blues 10 wins.
The gap is closing fast.
Be afraid, be very afraid!
Liam
May 23, 2022
I'm a little confused as to why the AFL have given melbourne 4 points when they didnt even play this week. Just another display of the corruption in the AFL.
Con Cushion
May 23, 2022
Turn it up Titus ... surely the ATO would only tax you on the laughs you generate. Maybe a rebate coming your way!! Con.
Muntz
May 23, 2022
West Coast, North and Essendon prove the need for relegation in the league.
Who to come up?
1. Fitzroy Bears
2. Hobart Platypuses (Platypi?)
3. South Melbourne Bloods
You know it makes sense.
Fancy Pants
May 23, 2022
Titus,
Haven’t you heard about the new AFL cloning program.
The first prototype has been produced. The new AFL CEO..... Mini - Gil
The g train
May 23, 2022
Max King 6-6-6. 6 marks, 6 kicks, 6 goals. Biblical scholars and fundamentalists have found these stats very disturbing.
In Titus’s unhelpful guide last Friday, he gave good arguments why The Suns should win and why The Bulldogs should lose. And then: “All this adds up to me tipping the Bulldogs, because I like my tips to be free of two things, thought and accuracy”.
The Bulldogs won. Titus—a modern day irrational genius.
The Suns are doing ok. Gerard Healey informed us: “They actually look like a good AFL team….They’ve had a crack and gave themselves a chance to win”. Can’t ask for more than that. Gold Coast are a different team this season.
Mick
May 23, 2022
Remember when abusing the umpire was a selling point? One of those 'I'd like see that' ads from the 90s had John McEnroe saying 'These guys spit the dummy at the umpire and get away with it? I'd like to see that.'
Tom Mannion
May 23, 2022
Plan a Ban time for supporters to boycott all games on a determined weekend send a message to AFL we have had enough of stupid umpire calls.
FULL MOON OVER NUNAWADING
May 23, 2022
{{{Have you noticed the football commentators don’t make comment on umpire decisions anymore, and the TV channels don’t cross for coach reactions?}}}
No. I long ago decided that assessing the validity of TV talking heads' comments on umpires' decisions is simply a waste of precious milliseconds.
Gav
May 23, 2022
Who are you sir and what have you done with Titus ?
Obviously a cheap imitation, real Titus has never said anything nice about my Blues, rookie error 😀
Jethro
May 23, 2022
Change the record please Titus. Crows camp has been done to death.
That guy who has a podcast app
May 23, 2022
Can you do another rambling podcast with Sergio. I've been listening to my family and they don't tell me nearly enough stories and jokes about football. Even the radio isn't telling me I mostly know already about football at a high enough frequency. I don't to have to start thinking about other things now.
Merlin’s Mother
May 23, 2022
I thought it was already illegal to tackle Ed Langdon - besides he is too darned hard for most folks to catch.
But no worries- the Prime Minister has been sworn in (albeit before the outcome of the election is known- that was a bit confusing?). Pretty sure the “Protect Ed Langdon at all costs “ bill is being drafted as we speak.
So let’s not cross any cross benchers until the newly minted Prime Minister is back in the country.
Cheerio
Son of plugger
May 23, 2022
I hear ya Gav. Where has the real Titus gone? Astounded to read: “But like all things in life, you get the rewards if you’re willing to do the things most people don’t want to do”.
Always thought that Titus’s creed was to get by by doing as little as possible. Have I missed something? Is this general advice or only for elite AFL players? Always thought Titus taught us that spending the whole weekend watching sport on tv, on the coach, was glorious. Unless he meant that most people don’t want to do that?
Kangas
May 24, 2022
North were good for three quarters, until they gave up as they realised the umpires were interpreting a different game. Lucky they weren't playing the game in Launceston.
Nice to see Brad Scott is still messing with our minds.
Footy Fan
May 24, 2022
@Santa.
Fuck off!!!
BLOKE FROM THE OUTER
May 24, 2022
'They just make sure you don’t win; it's defence first, then they wait until you’re exhausted. Then they pour on six goals.
It’s an interesting strategy and seems to be working for them.'
It's what Richmond did for 4 years. Big wins were rare. Comfortable wins were common. Big wins are generated by lots of players running in front of the ball.
BLOKE FROM THE OUTER
May 24, 2022
THE G TRAIN MAY 23, 2022
The number of the beast is 616 (look it up)
Running Dog
May 24, 2022
Maths might be irrefutable, Titus, but sometimes it can be so confusing it's almost like algebra.
And WB's comment about "wearing a jumper of pink and white stripes a la Seinfeld" is not so far-fetched. If it rains on Saturday night and the Bulldogs are wearing a white strip, the soupcon of red on the jumper looks cerise, and ever so European. You could even call them the 'Fuchsias'- wonder what Titus would make of that!
SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
May 24, 2022
@Footyfan
Has Santa hit a raw nerve? Is it that he/she is calling it like it is?
Regardless, keep your profanity to yourself.
stoney33
May 24, 2022
BIG FELLA, Short and sweet this week the dees had the standard win against Norf but still got some injuries which i suppose is in the leagues plans to try and stop the dees run.BAD LUCK with the plans to railroad the dees by hook or by crook.GO DEES
The g train
May 24, 2022
Bloke from the outer: Re your comment on my comment in the comments section: fair comment.
But I did rewatch The Omen. And it was definitely 666.
Merlin's Mother
May 25, 2022
Santa, you've been very angry for a very long time. We could all poke fun at that, but I am seriously concerned about you. RUOK?? Find someone to talk to today - even if it is just the Postie at your front door. Even strangers will listen and help - seriously - call one of these numbers today and ask for help:
Emergency | 000
Lifeline | 13 11 14
The Alternative Titus
May 26, 2022
Well punters, unsurprisingly, I am experiencing a strong feeling of deja vous as I write this. Another
Dreamtime, another thoroughly predictable result but I guess I need to cover all of the matches.
So the Blues who until recently were walkabout and now seem to be somewhat found, hosted the Swans who
were April champions at Docklands. Unfortunately for Sydney, Buddy Franklin was not injured although his 6
possessions are testament to the fact that his game is rapidly improving. Trash talking Luke Parker made four
opponents cry and topped the possessions for the vanquished and the Walsh, Hewitt combination starred for
the Blues. They must have received a lot of “Jobkeeper” allowance in Sydney. Fancy discarding Hewitt and
then putting Dusty on your wish list. Madness!! Jury still out on the Baggers – you can’t play cellar dwellers
every week.
Then to Kardinia Park where there was a “Super Rules” exhibition put on by the Cats. Possession tally topped
by young Guthrie, Stewart, Cameron and Tuohy with special mentions to Smith, Dangerfield and Selwood. All
they need is a little more experience. Expect them to chase Dustin Martin and contend in three years. The
horse has well and truly bolted at Port. Could be a destination club for the genius Clarkson. But then again,
would you really want to coach a Club that has an egomaniac like Koch in charge? I guess Clarko does have
the relevant experience.
The lucky folk of Ballarat were treated to another guaranteed crowd pleaser between two “Top Fourteen”
contenders when the Dogs were fixtured up against glamour boys “The Suns”. A capacity crowd roared the
doggies home. One thing we did learn was that the Suns are a one man band. Hold Casboult and you hold
them.
Expansion club Naarm did what few expansion clubs do and they disposed of a plucky North Melbourne at the
Docklands. Thankfully not many people were there to witness this abomination. Actually, there is no shortage
of faecal waste in the first XVIII at Arden Street and no amount of window dressing can disguise it. At the
same time the almost all-conquering Saints held off a gallant Crows outfit in Adelaide. Who knows? – another
runner up title could be on its way to Linton St.
Now the main event. Lloydy et al would have been really pleased to see the way the flag was flown at the G.
Pity then that the players did not continue what the supporters started. Fifty fired up Bombres fans were
getting in the face of the tigers and letting off steam (and a bit of bodily fluid in the car park). Having said that
it was a treat to see the side revert to the tried and true slowed down side to side style that saw them reach the
dizzy heights of 11 wins and 12 losses last year. Like Father Merrin in “The Exorcist”, Parish gets lots of
possessions but really, at the end of the day he may as well throw himself down a set of stairs and break his
neck for all the good it does for his side. That’s 8 “Dreamtime” losses in a row for the red and blacks. What
the Bombres really need is some good gear…. I guess the other positive for them was that I didn’t notice
anyone in red and black smiling after the match….
GWS were too strong for the brave “Witches Hats” at home and the round closed out with the betting sheets
proving that two sides paid for fabulous end of season trips when they threw matches against rubbish
opponents. Well it worked for Carlton in ’95 so why wouldn’t Brisbane and Freo want some of it now?
Enough for now. Cant wait for The Big Freeze, Country Week, Union Appreciation Week and LIberals in mourning month.