May 01, 2023


The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Seven


Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.


St Kilda (76) v Port Adelaide (83)

St Kilda really don’t like playing Port Adelaide, and Port Adelaide really like playing at Marvel Stadium, which is strange because even the teams that call it home don’t really like playing there.

This was a cracker of a game, with the Power falling behind early, only for them to stage a remarkable comeback.

The Saints got a lot of the ball, but too often, they went sideways or backwards and set a league record for ‘unnecessary handbells, ’ which I don’t think is a stat but should be.

A big reason for the Power’s comeback was Jason Horne-Francis, and again we had the post-match debate about him being booed.

I understand it’s a discussion we need to have, but it’s not just Horne-Francis.

Melbourne’s Jacob van Rooyen has also been booed mercilessly this season, mainly by Melbourne supporters too.

With the game in the balance, Josh Battle kicked out from defence, only for Charlie Dixon to smother it and Sam Powell-Pepper to swoop in and kick a goal.

“This is why we can’t have nice things,” yelled a Saints supporter at the pub I was watching this at, and everyone nodded. This was the truest thing ever said in a pub.


Brisbane (115) v Fremantle (67)

There were easy goals, hard goals, circus goals, goals of the year goals.

There was just lots of goals, as the Lions had an enjoyable Saturday run around in the park.

Joining them for goalkicking practice were the Fremantle Dockers, who are keen to enter a team in the AFL around the same time the Tasmanian team enters.

Speaking of Tasmania, I’m thrilled the Federal Government finally gave some money to sport. Too often, taxpayers’ money is wasted on things like health and education.

I hear some Tasmanians are complaining they don’t have a house to live in but there’s somehow money for a stadium.

How greedy, you want an AFL team, AND a place to live? Talk about entitled.

The interesting thing will be what to call the new club. My suggestion? The Tasmanian Tasmanians. So much alliteration!

The only other thing of note in this match is that Freo’s Matthew Johnson is likely to come under scrutiny from the match review officer after a dangerous tackle.

The MRO will probably take into consideration the tackle was on Dayne Zorko.

Sydney (106) v Greater Western Sydney (107)

Sydney are really taking their fans on a journey through all the different ways you can lose a game.

Against Geelong it was a good old fashion belting; this week, it was losing to your cross-town rival by one point.

And this was despite being up by 24 points early in the final quarter.

And even worse, Toby Greene kicked the winning goal.

Talk about organising the worst weekend possible.

Losing like this is bad enough; Greene being the one to kick the winning goal is like pouring a pallet full of salt into the wound, then pouring a swimming pool of lemon juice into it. An Olympic swimming pool.

Really, it was impressive how the Swans managed to lose this; it was the less likely outcome.

It had all been going so well for them, except when it mattered. With the fourth quarter underway, the Swans gave up the final four goals of the game.

The Giants aren’t having a great season, but a win like this shows they haven’t given up all hope; they fought back hard here.  

Or Sydney are just really, really bad. Maybe both.

Western Bulldogs (94) v Hawthorn (65)

Marcus Bontempelli celebrated his 200-game with a victory over Box Hill at Marvel Stadium on Saturday afternoon.

It was a real celebration for the Doggies faithful, even though the Bont was not at his best.

For once he didn’t need to be, as the Doggies were light years ahead on talent.

Usually he carries the team, so it was nice to see his teammates do most of the heavy lifting.

Hawthorn had a good attitude throughout; they gave it their all.

But like your co-worker at a karaoke night, enthusiasm only goes so far to mask a lack of ability.

Footy is a lot like karaoke; many have tried, few succeed, and it seems easier when in the crowd than it is on stage.

I remember doing karaoke once and picking Europe’s The Final Countdown. If you don’t know who Europe are, they were to the 80s what The Beatles were to the sixties.

Anyway, the real problem with that song for karaoke is the singing doesn’t start until 1:27 into the song. That’s a long time to be on stage just uncomfortably waiting, for me and the audience.

Especially as I’m a middle-aged white man and my dancing ability matches up exactly with my looks. There’s no surprise, like, ‘oh I thought he’d be bad, but he’s actually quite good.’

Melbourne (139) v North Melbourne (49)

The only interesting thing about Saturday night was seeing who would lose by more, North or West Coast.

In the end, it was West Coast but there was a lot of brutality before we got there.

Even Genghis Khan would have called for mercy if he’d watched these two games.

“This is barbaric,” he would have yelled, and if he’d been at the G everyone would have heard him.

If anything, Melbourne did show mercy, exploding out of the blocks, scoring 50 points in the first quarter, and then using the last three quarters for a warm-down.

It continues the good times for the Dees.

First, Grange signs on as a sponsor, then Kysaiah Pickett re-signs. Add in the stage 3 income tax cuts and what a time for Demons supporters.

North looked about as bad as you can look, and as someone who’s been on the other end of these things, I know Kangaroos fans will be hurting.

One positive is that with Tasmania getting a team, people may stop trying to move them there.

West Coast (44) v Carlton (152)

In a one-sided affair, Charlie Curnow booted nine goals, equivalent to kicking three goals in an AFL match, as Carlton showed how good they can be if under no pressure whatsoever.

In the spirit of fairness, West Coast requested this be a no-contact game, which suited the Blues, as they had the ball the entire time.

Perhaps the only thing of note in this was 47,940 turned up to watch it. I can only assume the Eagles will be ringing them all offering them a refund this morning.

You can’t advertise an AFL match and then present this. It would be like promoting a Broadway show, only to put on a grade one school play. And worse, it’s a musical.

Again, these two Saturday night games underlined the very real problem of the talent pool having to stretch to a nineteenth team.

In fact, it’s got to the point that some of these teams aren’t really in the pool anymore.

They don’t even have a pair of bathers.


Essendon (104) v Geelong (132)

I tipped Essendon, and I got a lot of thanks for that, even before the game, from Cats fans, which shows you how well my tips are going.

I also got a lot of Essendon fans not thanking me in the strongest possible terms.

It was my bad, I’d thought Essendon had changed, and it seemed they did too because they really got ahead of themselves early on in this one.

The Cats slept in at the start of this season, but have now woken up, none more so than Tom Hawkins, who booted eight goals, an amazing performance considering his contemporaries, like Dick Reynolds and Fred Fanning, have retired.

He just keeps going.

Essendon had no answers early; Patrick Dangerfield seemed to be almost handed the ball at every centre clearance, while the Cats barely needed Jeremey Cameron.

Jake Stringer was one of the few Bombers who stood up, but it was disappointing how the majority of Essendon’s players just didn’t put up a fight.

I mean, not disappointing for most of us, just Essendon supporters.    

Richmond (48) v Gold Coast (72)

I’m not one to make broad, sweeping statements early in the season, but this is probably not going to be Richmond’s year.

Even factoring in that Richmond had to travel for this, their performance was awful.

The whole game was awful, but the Tigers managed to also kick poorly for goal, finishing with 6.12.

At numerous times I wondered why I was still watching this, and to be honest, for a lot of it I was just flicking through my phone.

I got up and ate something at one point, a toasted cheese sandwich.

Being a Melbourne fan, it took me most of the third quarter to select which of the numerous cheeses in the fridge to use.

I went with a Montgomery cheddar and Taleggio combination, and I was glad I did.

I paired it with a Verdicchio dei Castelli di Jesi Classico Riserva 2018.

Absolute heaven.

Adelaide (58) v Collingwood (59)

This is getting a bit ridiculous now. Like the T-1000, the Pies just don’t give up, and like the T-1000, they don’t stop running. 

And like the T-1000, a vat of molten steel may be required to stop them.

The Crows were up by 16 points at three-quarter time, which everyone knew wasn’t enough. I mean, why bother to even play the last quarter, just give the Pies the points.

Really, the Crows only have themselves to blame; their goal-kicking kept the Pies in the game. At halftime, the Crows had kicked 3.10.

Personally, if I were coaching the Crows, I would have told them to kick accurately and not completely fall apart in the final quarter because, apart from that, they were great.

The Pies though, have the self-belief of a South African billionaire who thinks they’re funny.

To be fair though, it must be something more than just self-belief. At numerous times in my life, I’ve believed in myself; the problem was reality didn't.

In the end, this was another famous victory for the Pies.

I just hope Crows supporters don’t spend the entire week thinking about how easily this could have all been different.  

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here:



Chris Demon

May 01, 2023

Excellent cheese choices Titus, wine wise I would have opted for the Colonnara 2013 Metodo Classico Ubaldo Rosi Brut (Verdicchio dei Castelli di Jesi) though. Your welcome.


May 01, 2023

The Giants are having a great season, and talk about consistent, nobody in Sydney's Golden West has cared for years...

Running Dog

May 01, 2023

Karaoke's not that daunting. You just have to pick a tune where you can't possibly displease anyone. For example, Jessica, by the Allman Brothers. The only person ever booed off the stage for singing that one was Jason Horne-Francis.


May 01, 2023

Nice to see the Pies on top of the ladder with another run-of-the-mill win, despite the best efforts of the Adelaide team and the field umpires.


May 01, 2023

In WA all that's left is for Freo supporters to remind West Coast fans that they've never collected a wooden spoon while this will be #2 for their arch enemies, and for West Coast fans to remind Freo supporters how poorly "Flagmantle" aged.

Paul B

May 01, 2023

$82 for a bottle of Verdicchio dei Castelli di Jesi Classico Riserva 2018. Nice pairing with a toasted cheese sandwich

Atrocious Conditions

May 01, 2023

Tirus, the next time it becomes encumbant on yourself to perform karaoke, try "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. It goes for more than 5 minutes but the vocal part is barely 2 minutes. The people will thank you.

Peter Roche

May 01, 2023

I'm sure Mr Demon meant "'re welcome...."

If Mr HOTPIES isn't careful, there'll be 6 umpires chasing down the rule breaches in a game: 4 can't do it, as we know....

The g train

May 01, 2023

First, and foremost, can’t believe Titus didn’t get the AFL CEO gig. Gave it to some bloke I’ve never heard of. Unbelievable.

Yes, another “run-of-the-mill come from behind at 3/4 time win” by Collingwood. Why does their coach and staff get so excited by the inevitable?

Great to hear the Gold Coast chant thunder around Marvel.

Dermie: “Tony Greene is a footballer”. Dermie’s Zen comment led to 57 hours of continuous enlightened thoughtless bliss. Only broken by today’s Titus’s irrational idiotic nonsense.


May 01, 2023

G-Rant, while not living in the past is that type of Freo supporter's war cry when it comes to the Eagles (especially with premierships), they tend to forget such details the Dockers got a wooden spoon in 2001. It's 'we never finished a season in 18th' that the slightly more knowledgeable ones are going with. Oh and I tend to pick a Fleetwood Mac piece for my karaoke- Albatross means I dont even have to leave the table.


May 01, 2023

New Tassie team just has to be the Map of Tassie Convicts.

Beau of Beaumaris

May 01, 2023

"..Melbourne’s Jacob van Rooyen has also been booed mercilessly this season, mainly by Melbourne supporters too.."
I just can't help myself, like a sheep or a lemming, I just follow the crowd and boo him whenever he gets near the ball. However it does seem to inspire him. Perhaps he is a masochist?


May 01, 2023

G-Rant - take a look at the 2001 ladder.

Distinguished Guy

May 01, 2023

I know this isn't Twitter but hats off to RUNNING DOG and the very funny karaoke/Jason Horne-Francis joke. That's so on-brand for Titus's style of humour you might get an offer as a writer.

Across the Face

May 01, 2023

"$82 for a bottle of Verdicchio dei Castelli di Jesi Classico Riserva 2018."

Well, I, for one, was amused by its pretentiousness.


May 01, 2023

+++New Tassie team just has to be the Map of Tassie Convicts.+++

The team could be Les Condamnés,
An appellation not easy to say.
But a name with such flair
Would make the League care
That their image might seem a bit fay.

Con Cushion

May 01, 2023

Turn it up Titus ... Christopher Cross was the 80's and Lee Hazlewood and Nancy Sinatra were the 60's. Con.

Paul Bauer

May 01, 2023

What about Tasmania Conviction. Is a great statement about the way they could play, and it has the word "convict" in it. :) On another note, I must say those Tigers supporters don't like losing well. I travelled down from Bendigo to see the Cats, and because of having an AFL membership I thought I would see what I could at Marvel and there were a good number of supporters leaving at three quarter time. Stood behind the cheer squad and some supporters were telling them to get off the ground during the last.

Ken Nett

May 01, 2023

Spot on re talent pool Titus. Maybe the troubles in Sudan will bring an influx of likely types. Meanwhile:

Marcus (the Bont) Bontempelli
Is a pleasure to watch on the telly
While poor old Nat Fyfe
Is often under the knife
And may be losing the fire in his belly?

Running Dog

May 01, 2023

Thanks for the shout out Distinguished Guy, but personally I don't even read Titus anymore. I'm just here to catch up on G-Train's philosophy of Zen and the Art of St Kilda's High Maintenance, Full Moon over Nunawading's limericks, and random nonsense from Hoon, Con Cushion et al.

Andy Robbo

May 01, 2023

For Karaoke, I suggest the song Tequila! You can dance like a drunk middle-aged man and hold up your glass of Verdicchio dei Castelli di Jesi Classico Riserva every time you call out Tequila! And unnecessary handbells? Pissed while typing? Really Titus.

Brandy Alexander

May 01, 2023

Is a handbell similar to a cowbell? I feel like they are necessary in any game of footy, whoever decided on that stat for St Kilda can go away.

Cowbells for everyone's handbells!

Jo C

May 01, 2023

The Tassie team should obviously be the Tigers.
If you thought tiffs about a jersey could get out of hand…

Snag Cleaver

May 01, 2023

Needs more handbell.

Julian Noel

May 01, 2023

Not mine... but very good.
"That is the Pies best come from behind win, since last Tuesday".

Derek Fletcher

May 01, 2023

I've been waiting to repeat the following and i think this could be the place. Imagine someone who knows nothing about Aussie Rules Football reading it ...In the AwFL's website's match report of the Adelaide - Collingwood game there was this: "Collingwood trailed all game except for the final 30 seconds after Sidebottom's behind."


May 01, 2023

Handbells galore around Adelaide, tolling yet another choke by the pride of bugger all. "Bring out your dead" seems to be the prevailing wail. Nicks is surely to be the first coach sacked during this season.

Snori Gunderchuckson

May 01, 2023

I thing a team for Tassie is a grwst idea.
During the week they can close the roof on that new stadium and provide shelter for the homeless. With a drive on soup kitchen and all amenities provided at the it’s a big plus with beer and hot chips. But the best is yet come - we call the team the TASMANIAN TIGERS… and ship the gawd awful Richmond footy club lock stock and balls down the HOBart. That way we get shod of Dustbin Fartin and his mate Trenchcoat Crotchin, their race spittin’ fans, plus that hideous yellow & black guernsey. We could ship the whole lot out on tomorrow’s ferry… watcha rekon?

Ye Olde Custard Guts

May 01, 2023

Richmond gone
Sydney gone
Freo gone
St Kilda gone
Being on the 2016 Fresotini Multipulcicianio Rosso Corsa D'Ella Aqua with Bega Cheddar.

Ye Olde Custard Guts

May 01, 2023

Not only that Titus McTitus, West Coke, Hawthorn and North Melbourne are seriously gone.


May 02, 2023

Well there you go! My Freo supporting mate has been feeding me falsehoods. I should have checked that.

saint peter

May 02, 2023

You stole my thunder ANDY ROSSO. I was going to suggest "Tequilla" as you only to say the word once during the whole song. The crowd will appreciate it.

This week will be the match that determines our future. It is an away game for us. So much pressure as the opposition will handballing & kicking & punching & that is only at us.


May 02, 2023

A new stadium and a home for Tassie.
Good for them. Just think though for a second about the Dees, the oldest professional sporting club on the planet, whose old home ground (the costs of which were propped up by the football club for the better part of a century) was appropriated by the competition it played in with not a single training facility within covid lockdown radius being made permanently and exclusively available to it. Then overlay the ignominity of forcing all at the club to drive past Olympic Park, now the greatest training facility of any sporting club on the planet, similarly appropriated away from the Victorian taxpayer for the purposes of giving the Pies a new home near to their new home ground and throw in the redevelopment being primarily funded by the Victorian taxpayer.
But we're not bitter, just homeless.

Pupper Mum

May 02, 2023

Quite possibly your best effort yet Titus - Dayne Zorko and the many different cheeses in your fridge being my favs.


May 02, 2023

Surely the Tassie team must be called the Tasmanian Devils?

Halftime Spray

May 04, 2023


But they may want to avoid comparison with the Demons.

Bill FitzGerald

May 06, 2023

no one seems to have picked up the subtlety of the Tasmanian Tasmanians. We do have one advantage and that is we do not need an action replay as we pick that up with our second head!!