Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Thursday

Brisbane (94) v Geelong (50)

I don’t know about you, but I watch footy for the umpiring, and the 37 free kicks in the first half just made this game so exciting.

What should have been a close match, ended up being just Brisbane belting the living suitcases out of the Cats.

The Lions had them beat everywhere. When it got physical, the Lions were tougher, when it got fast, they were faster, and when it came to scoring, well, Geelong just couldn’t.

This was the most surprising thing. Hawkins, Cameron and Rohan have been on an absolute tear recently, but against the Lions, they looked about as threatening as quiche.

At the other end, Joe Daniher kicked accurately. I know, I was as surprised to write that sentence as you are to read it. He finished with 4.1, and Charlie Cameron finished with three.

I’ve devoted significant column space before to the volume of imaginary greenhouse gases Cameron’s imaginary motorbike releases after every goal.

Since raising this, I’ve had no response from the Lions about them encouraging him to switch to an imaginary electric motorbike.

Even more alarming is I’ve noticed Cameron’s motorbike appears to have two throttles as he moves both hands to rev the engine.

This seems to suggest Cameron is taking artistic license with his imaginary motorbike, which affects the realism of the celebration and my ability to enjoy it. Disappointing.

Friday

Richmond (22) v St Kilda (62)

Everyone watching this game was just waiting for the moment that the Tigers would pull themselves together and overrun the Saints.

It was just meant to happen. Like the Sun coming up, or the Match Review Committee making an illogical decision.

Richmond are so professional and St Kilda are the gold standard when it comes to disappointing their fans. There should have been only one possible outcome.

But like waiting for the vaccine rollout to suddenly get its act together, it never happened.

Instead, St Kilda held Richmond to their lowest score since 1961.

Yes, none of this makes sense.

St Kilda, it should be stated, were fantastic. They delivered four quarters of effort, leaving their fans both ecstatic and a little annoyed they’ve waited until Round Fifteen to show this level of endeavour. 

Richmond was spectacularly awful. Their much-vaunted pressure game wasn’t there and to say their skills resembled an Auskick clinic is an insult to Auskickers.

I mean, Melbourne City scored more goals on the weekend than Richmond.

The Tigers also picked up some key injuries, making this the worst weekend for Richmond fans in years.

I don’t want to overreact, but not only can Richmond not win the premiership this year; the shame of this loss voids all their previous premierships.

As for St Kilda, it’s hard not to see them go all the way this season.

Saturday

Collingwood (79) v Fremantle (91)

Collingwood have not won a single game since they moved on Nathan Buckley, a damning statistic if there ever was one.

Even worse, since Robert Harvey took over, the Pies have never defeated Fremantle, and that trend continued here.

I was doubtful that Fremantle could win this when it was announced Nat Fyfe was a late out, but to my surprise, it turns out the Dockers do have other players.

Collingwood looked like drifting to a loss for much of this until the fourth quarter began, and they piled on five goals.

Unfortunately for them, the Dockers kicked four in that quarter. Due to Fremantle kicking more goals in the first three quarters, this meant the Dockers won.

I’m glad you come to me for this level of insight.

North Melbourne (72) v Gold Coast (63)

I watched this and I can honestly say it wasn’t as painful as I thought it was going to be.

I mean it wasn’t good, but it didn’t make me lose the will to live. Who says I can’t be positive?

After being belted by Port Adelaide, the Suns got on the booze, so who knows what gear they’ll get on after this loss.

Yes, they had outs, but North are bottom of the ladder for a reason, that reason being they’re not very good.

The Suns ‘brand’ of footy is to appear exciting while consistently not winning. They’ve really nailed this.

6719 people turned up to Blundstone Arena, proving Tasmanians will show up if two good teams are playing and will not if it’s two bad teams.

How weird! They’re so different down there.

Port Adelaide (81) v Sydney (71)

Once again, Scott Lycett has won Port Adelaide a game, with a match-winning goal.

In an exciting game, the Power looked in control until Buddy Franklin decided to go ballistic, booting goals, chasing down opponents.

It was a reminder that Franklin in full flight is terrifying.

If I was playing footy and saw Buddy chasing me, I would throw the ball up into the air and sprint into the stands screaming ‘help!!!’ at the top of my lungs.

This isn’t complete speculation. I did this once when playing footy, except it wasn’t Buddy but an overweight, very unfit plumber named Keith.

Despite Buddy’s heroics, Port were just a bit more composed across the four quarters, plus they weren’t playing a premiership contender.

Essendon (57) v Umpires (68)

The Bombers were cruising towards an enormous victory in this one, until the AFL hierarchy, who have been long involved in a conspiracy to destroy the Essendon Football Club, told the umpires to make sure Melbourne won.

Sunday

Greater Western Sydney (72) v Hawthorn (90)

While the rest of the country are focused on the increasingly worsening Covid situation across the country, I’m focused on the continuing improvement of the Hawthorn Football Club, a much scarier development.

This game was moved from Sydney due to the outbreak and subsequent lockdown in NSW.

You can predict lockdowns by looking at changes to the AFL fixture, they always know well before the media and public have been informed.

In this case, I think the AFL knew about the lockdown before the NSW State Government.

I’m surprised the NSW government did eventually go into lockdown; I’d always assumed it was something only communist governments did.

The Giants problem is they rely on a few (mainly Toby Greene) to do spectacular things to get them over the line.

The problem in this one is Tim O'Brien was the one doing something spectacular.

His mark in the second quarter involved him having to negotiate re-entry into the Earth’s orbit after taking a stunning mark.

It was stunning both in its athletic skill and the fact he’s still alive.

West Coast (43) v Western Bulldogs (98)

The Eagles have been dropping very strong hints about their mediocrity this season, but in case you weren’t getting the message, they delivered this.

It was like screaming into a megaphone, place against your ear, ‘We aren’t very good!’

Fans were locked out of this because apparently no vaccines have been invented to stop Covid.

It was probably a blessing, in the end, to not watch your team get run over without so much as a whimper.

The Bulldogs kicked 13.20, making the 55-point margin flattering to the Eagles.

The only thing more brutal than the Bulldogs was Cameron Ling’s ‘special’ comments.

His constant mentioning of the Eagles’ ‘inside and outside rings’ made me wonder why Channel Seven even bother having commentators at all.

All I know is whatever ring you were referring to regarding the Eagles, it was getting well and truly destroyed.

Carlton (83) v Adelaide (73)

Classic Carlton. Just when you think they are going to bottom out, they get a win.

It was all done in the second quarter when the Crows forgot how to play football and let the Blues boot eight goals, which is a lot.

The umpires also forgot how to umpire, allowing Patrick Cripps to run a few thousand kilometres without bouncing the ball before slotting a goal.

The Crows spent the second half reeling in the Blues, something most teams can do easily.

It turns out though that giving up eight goals in a quarter is like being chased nude by a deer through a national park with a mate; something you can’t easily come back from.

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