After completing a thorough audit of Carlton’s list, Stephen Silvagni presents it to President Mark LoGiudice and CEO Steven Trigg.

Mark LoGiudice: So give it to us straight SOS.

Steven Trigg: Yeah, give it to us with no sugar coating.

Stephen Silvagni: Well, it’s not good.

Trigg: How could you tell? Is it because we’re last on the ladder or because all our players didn’t need a shower after last week’s game?

Silvagni: A bit of both. Here’s my spreadsheet analysing every player.

LoGiudice: Wow, that’s a lot of red ink.

Trigg: What does the purple mean?

Silvagni: That’s players who shouldn’t even be footballers. At any level.

LoGiudice: At least there are only twelve of them, oh no wait, there’s a second page.

Trigg: And a third page. Very comprehensive.

Silvagni: Currently, we have too many overpaid players who also underperform.

LoGiudice: I had noticed something was up. It was all the losing.

Silvagni: Even if you factor out all the under the table payments these guys are still significantly overpaid.

Trigg: I’ve noticed that. Our secret contracts are far too generous.

Silvagni: You also need to stop recruiting former Collingwood players.

LoGiudice: Are there any positives?

Silvagni: It was hard to tell. Every time I started to look into things an old man would yell at me.

LoGiudice: That’s just Mick. Don’t worry he’s leaving at the end of the season.

Silvagni: Why not now?

LoGiudice: Well who would want to coach this lot? You?

Five minutes of laughter.

Silvagni: But seriously, I haven’t been able to find all our priority picks and draft concessions. I had cupboards full of them at GWS.

Also how many 17 year olds are we getting ahead of the draft?

Trigg: This is awkward SOS. We didn’t want to say anything in case you didn’t agree to come but we don’t get all those concessions.

Silvagni: But all clubs get them don’t they? Are you saying I had an unfair advantage at GWS?

LoGiudice: Steve, building a great list at GWS is like building a million dollar business by inheriting one.

Trigg: Here, it’s like building one from multi-generational poverty.

LoGiudice: And a stint in prison.

Silvagni: I think I need a drink.

LoGiudice: I think we all do.