Dear Members

I’m writing to inform you that the St Kilda Football Club has reported an operating loss (EBITDA) of $1,198,587.

After accounting for depreciation, amortisation and interest the club made a statutory loss of $2,614,837 for the year ending October 31, 2013.

That’s a lot of figures and big words! If you know what ‘depreciation’, ‘amortisation’ and ‘statutory’ mean, send me an email or consider coming to work for us. If you know what ‘EBITDA’ means, you’re instantly hired.

When I spoke to our external auditors, I asked, ‘Is this a bad result?’

They said, ‘It’s really, really bad. Like your on-field performance bad.’

We obviously need to now focus on how to fix this situation.

The first step is to stop using coloured stones and ice cream containers to do our accounts. We also need to sack Beryl who’s done the accounts since 1962.

Beryl, if you’re reading this, consider it your notice, otherwise I’ll SMS you.

It’s also time to invest in some of that new accounting software like MYBO or XERO that lots of business are starting to use.

Part of the reason our results were so poor, was the fact many fans did not become members last season.

Turns out that losing regularly is not popular. Also many fans said they are tired of our culture.

Everyone talks about how important culture is to a football club.

It’s therefore something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about.

Originally, I thought people meant the 1990s, slightly obscure boy band, Kulcha.

Then I started thinking, ‘Surely not every AFL team has hired that band?’

I mean, I enjoyed their music but how does having them on your payroll fix things?

Finally, I figured out what everyone meant by ‘good’ or ‘bad’ culture.

As a result, we’ve done some focus groups and discovered that you are tired of events such as players being accused of rape and taking naked photos of each other.

Turns out setting dwarves on fire focus groups very poorly too.

We’ve decided to try and stop doing all these things.

Lastly, we have a new coach. His name is Alan Richardson and while he is a complete unknown, there’s no doubt he’ll be an upgrade on what’s his name.

It’s important we remember the St Kilda Football Club has a proud tradition is still in the AFL.

Regards

Peter Summers

President, St Kilda Football Club