Every now and then when the emails pile up, I open a bottle of Scotch, light the fire pit and respond to some of the sporting questions I get asked.

FIFA World Cup

Was Tim Cahill’s goal the best ever at the World Cup? – Darren via email

Yes. I can say that with absolute confidence, even though I’ve not seen every World Cup goal. Why?

Because I’m a proud Australian and any Australian worth their ANZAC biscuits will say the same. It should be a question on the citizenship test.

I also KNOW that Australia invented the Pavlova and Phar Lap was born here.

Do you think Tim Cahill should be Australia’s next Governor-General after his World Cup heroics? – Alistair via email

Absolutely. The Australian Bill of Rights is very clear, we need a Governor-General to govern and also to General things and there is no Australian more qualified than Tim Cahill.

No other Australian has scored five goals at the World Cup and no other Australian can make large amounts of the population get up at 2am.

Umpires and Drinking

Would the game be enhanced if field, boundary and goal umpires were required to take a shot of spirits each time they called a free etc.

Has there been any proper study of the pilot program conducted in the Ovens & Murray league? - Blowing 0.5 via email

This is an idea I’d enthusiastically support and is brilliant for reducing free kicks as the game progresses.

I believe the University of Melbourne did an extensive review of the Ovens & Murray league pilot program and found that while it led to an increase in deaths and injuries, crowds were significantly up.

While not in the scope of their review, the researchers also believed that full forwards and full backs sharing joints added to the ‘carnival atmosphere’ of the games.

State of Origin

You said you sent a bottle of Grange to the NSW Premier to congratulate him on the State of Origin victory, did you get a thank you note? – Gemma via Twitter

I did. Here it is:

Dear Titus

Thanks you for your kind gift of a bottle of Grange, after NSW’s historic victory on Wednesday night.

As you know, I’m supposed to declare things like this, but I want to drink it, so let’s just keep this between us.

I’d appreciate if you never show this not to anyone and if they ask just deny ever seeing it or sending me the bottle for that matter.

Let me know if you need anything rezoned.

Best

Mikey

Seems like a pretty nice guy!

Essendon

Who will be the commentary team for the ASADA/EFC court case telecast? Will there be a lead in narrated by Craig Willis? – Bruce Clarke via Twitter

The Craig Willis idea is perfect. It also has to be Bruce and Dennis.

I can hear Bruce saying, “you just feel the next defence witness is going to be important, don’t you?”

Dennis will work in A Few Good Men references before waiting for the perfect moment to say ‘it’s the vibe.’

Wayne Carey should be on special comments, given his extensive knowledge of court procedures.

What's the GST status of AOD9604? - Darli via Twitter

It’s the normal ten percent, but I know a guy. He has to order it from France though.

Richmond

From a scale of 1982 to 2013, how disappointing has Richmond's season been so far? – Mikey via email

This is a difficult one to answer. How to measure the disappointment in a Richmond fan’s life is a distressing exercise.

However, this season probably doesn’t really register compared to say 2004. I’d say this is probably a fairly standard Richmond season for the battle-hardened Tiger fans. Maybe it rates a 2010.

New AFL CEO

Given there is a new CEO of the AFL, what are the chances of including Quidditch hoops in the middle of the ground and the future Tasmanian team to be known as Slytherin? – Severus via email

High. If there’s one thing the AFL like it’s pointless change for change sake. That said, while I’m sure Quidditch hoops are inevitable a Tasmanian team named anything is not.

Hall of Fame

Is Cam Schwab AFL hall of fame worthy? – Corey Patten via Twitter

Not in a good way.