Every now and then when the emails pile up, I open a bottle of Scotch, light the fire pit and respond to some of the sporting questions I‘ve been sent.

Are the questions particularly clever or interesting? Usually a lot more than the answers.

Warne vs Goodes

Warney vs Goodesy. Who's right and who's wrong? Which side should I take? - Dann

There’s no good answer here Dann.

Take one side, and you’re a racist, pure and simple. Take the other though and you’re un-Australian, almost the worst thing you can be.

The whole thing is a mess. My advice is, like the Middle East, you’re best to just stay out of it

The sad thing is, this spat has distracted us from what’s important, Adam Goodes’ Recognise campaign and Shane Warne’s ‘War on Ageing.’

If Adam Goodes is alone in the woods and he falls over and appeals for a free kick, does Shane Warne still get in trouble? - Daniel

I hope so. After all, despite all the good things Warne has done, he’s been spending that goodwill pretty quickly on half naked selfies and posting pictures of cute animals.

Anyway, I don’t believe any AFL player has ever staged, because I believe in the goodness of all people Daniel, especially AFL footballers.

Premiers

Do you secretly think Hawthorn will win the Premiership this year? - Audie

Secretly, yes.

Of course, my official answer is still ‘Melbourne’ because you have to back your team no matter what.

Even if they have shaved twenty years off your life expectancy in the last six years and will never win a Premiership again.

Richmond

How come the team that crawls into 8 get all the glory, yet no one barely mentions the team that won the minor Premiership, just their second in seventy odd years? – Isabella

It’s called the Tall Poppy Syndrome.

Australians hate success, especially if it happens to people in Sydney.

I’m no stranger to the Tall Poppy Syndrome myself, not so much people tearing me down, but me tearing others down.

Why do we do it? Because tearing others down is how you raise yourself up.

The movie Cruel Intentions taught me that. At least I think it did, it could have been Varsity Blues or She’s All That. I saw them all on the same day and they all kind of blur into one.

Given Richmond limped into the AFL finals, should the other teams now just give up? - K Hutch

Absolutely. The AFL marketing department is behind this. They control everything. All the AFL cares about is the furtherance of the brand.

AFL football is so fake, it makes WWE wrestling seem real.

Don’t tell anyone this though; they are listening to us through our microwaves.

Can Richmond still finish 9th? – Ashley M

I’ve gotten this question a lot in the last few days, mostly from nervous Richmond supporters. The good news is that it’s very unlikely.

The only scenario I could see, is if the AFL decided to put GWS into the finals to help grow the game in Western Sydney, not something I’d put out of the realm of possibility.

The good news is that if this does happen, I expect Essendon will be the ones taken out of the eight because of the giant international conspiracy against them. Again, I’ve said too much.

St Kilda

Will St Kilda win another premiership in my lifetime Titus? –Annie

I have some excellent news for you Annie! According to St Kilda’s own strategic plan ‘The Road to 2018,’ you’re going to win one ‘by 2020.’

That’s pretty good news, isn’t it? You only need to hang on six more years at most. My advice is to stay healthy and avoid dangerous activities like ‘leaving your house.’

The only problem I see, is ‘The Road to 2018’ could be referring to a postcode, not a year. In that case, your beloved Saints are moving to Eastlakes in Sydney.

The good news for you is that Eastlakes is right near the airport, so it’s not all bad news.

Tanking

How much did Melbourne tanking in 2009 impact on them beating Paul Roos' Sydney Swans by 73 points in 2010? – Joel

I remember that day well. It may have been one of the last days I was ever happy.

Workhorse Colin Sylvia had 28 possessions and Brad Green kicked 5 goals. He could have played for Manchester United you know.

Of course the tanking had no real impact and hasn’t since. It’s just been a convenient excuse.

No, the real issue with Melbourne isn’t some decision made all the way back in 2009. That is just silly nonsense.

The problem all stems from Melbourne sacking Norm Smith in 1965 and the supernatural curse that has plagued us ever since.

All Australian Team

What does it take to make the All-Australian team? Where do I need to apply and what needs to be included?

The first and perhaps easiest step is to get drafted by an AFL team and then be really good at football.

I’ve done some pretty amazing statistical regression analysis and it clearly shows that footballing ability plays a big part in being selected.

Of course, being very marketable or playing for a team in Melbourne doesn’t hurt.

It’s all decided by the AFL Marketing Department anyway, as I mentioned before.

Can someone explain to me the point of the All-Australian team? Seriously. Is it just in case there's a World Cup? – swearingAUS

You are absolutely correct.

The origins of the All-Australian teams can be traced all the way back to 1947 and Sporting Life magazine.

The good folk at Sporting Life, realised that Australia’s level of preparedness for any spontaneous Aussie Rules World Cups that might suddenly occur was very poor.

At the time, it was a serious concern as Australia had little insight in what was happening in the Soviet bloc.

We had no idea if the Russians were secretly training a master race of Aussie Rules athletes.

Over the years the tradition continued to the point it seemed silly, but if you look at what’s happening in Russia right now, I expect that you, like me, will now sleep a little sounder at night, knowing our All-Australians stand ready.

Could a best ever AFL team of players with 5 letter surnames beat a team with six letter surnames?

Of course. Everyone knows that.