Every now and then when the emails pile up, I open a bottle of Scotch, light the fire pit and respond to some of the sporting questions I‘ve been sent.

Are the questions particularly clever or interesting? Usually a lot more than the answers.

SEND TITUS YOUR OWN QUESTION

Free Agency/Trade Period

Would James Hird or Guy McKenna be the better coach to replace Brendan McCartney? – Judith

This is a tough one. When Guy McKenna ‘agreed’ to resign from the Suns, it was with the most glowing reference in the history of time.

So much so the president of the Suns didn’t want to answer any other questions like ‘why did you sack him then?’

James of course would bring a host of positives to the Bulldogs, mainly he would make them front page news pretty regularly. Surely this could help their brand gain much needed exposure?

In the end though, it would have to be McKenna. The Bulldogs don’t have the cash to cover the legal fees and international study trips you need to secure Hird.

What is the value of the paper used to write AFL player contracts? - @Charactereyes

It’s actually very high. AFL contracts are written in gold ink on rhino hides. These beautiful objects are partially responsible for these majestic animals being close to extinction.

However, writing contracts in gold ink on rhino hides has one downfall, the ink fades within twelve-months, making them pretty much useless after that.

Can you explain why the AFL trading period doesn't exist all year round? I'd love to hear of a player traded at half time. – Chris

It’s a good question, well put Chris.

As a Melbourne supporter, I’ve longed to trade almost every single player at halftime, pretty much at every game for the last six years.

My guess is it won’t be long till this actually happens; after all, it’s the exciting part of the AFL season.

My prediction is that by 2027, free agency and the trade period will last all year and games won’t be played due to concussion lawsuits and will be done via computer modelling.

So basically, the future is SuperCoach.

Equalisation

Once AFL equalisation is adopted, will every club get to win a premiership every 18 years, and if so will it be in alphabetical order? Personally, I think there should be Priority Premierships so everyone can catch up to Essendon and Carlton. – Nostradamus

You’re obviously an AFL employee ‘Nostradamus.’

I’ve said it before that equalisation is just another name for ‘communism’ and like previous incarnations of the ideology, it will lead to grain shortages and mass starvation.

We are less than a decade away from the AFL replacing the ladder with a ‘Premiership Circle.’

There will of course be Priority Premierships and eventually the Premiership will be handed out to every team at the end of every season.

Of course by that point, Australia will cease to exist and will just be part of China, all because of the AFL’s equalisation policy.

Unnatural Phenomenon

Why is Eddie Maguires head so red? - Todd

The simple answer is nuclear fusion.

Basically, inside Eddie’s head, the nuclei of two hydrogen atoms once collided with such force that neutrons were transferred from one nucleus to another. After several such collisions, a helium nucleus with two protons formed.

This, surprisingly, had less mass than the original hydrogen atoms from which it was formed and this lost mass converted directly into heat energy, which promoted even more nuclear reactions.

Also, the Sydney Swans caused it.

Cricket

Dear Titus, is there any truth to the rumour that the variable ticketing policy has had an effect on the crowd numbers for the Pakistan v Australia One Day Series in the UAE? – Jim

There’s a lot of truth Jim. Countries around the world have followed the AFL’s best practice ideas such as equalisation and variable ticketing.

While many people believe Pakistan hosts games in the UAE for security reasons, it’s really an attempt to mimic the AFL’s practice of hosting games at ANZ Stadium.

They’ve chosen somewhere difficult to get to and with a dodgy surface. It produces similar results in terms of crowds.

When can a square leg ump give a batsman out LBW? - @Steelebloke

When I was a younger man, I would often umpire a game of cricket or two on the weekend to get out of having to go to other social events like weddings.

Now, I’m just never invited.

It was often my practice to give batsmen out for LBW even though I was at square leg or sometimes, umpiring another game at the oval next door.

The reason was that cricket has a proud tradition of ‘bribery’ and I was only too keen to participate. I’m a stickler for traditions.

It was no big deal. These were only Sheffield Shield games and the occasional International Series.

What does the breakdown of Shane Warne 's latest relationship tell us about Australia in 2014? -Gerard

It tells us that love is dead.

If a former cricketer and a bikini model/DJ can’t make it, who has a chance?

Since then we’ve also seen the break up of the winners of ‘The Bachelor,’ something that has rocked Australia to its core if the volume of media coverage is any guide.

Who would have thought that putting together a bunch of people with a desperate need for external validation would not produce the perfect relationship?

It’s like the laws of physics have suddenly stopped working.

Drinking with Bernard Tomic

Did you really outdrink Bernie Tomic? – Nick

I’m not sure where this rumour got started but it’s time to address it.

Recently, I played in a charity tennis tournament. It was for ‘Kids without Foxtel,’ a wonderful organisation that raises funds for private school kids who don’t have cable TV.

This often makes them stand out at exclusive schools, which can be a harrowing experience.

Anyway, I’m on the board.

I drew Tomic in the first round and despite having never played tennis and last exercising in the early 80s, I was winning quite convincingly when Bernie retired in the fourth game after he’d failed to win a single point.

After that, we had a few drinks together but I didn’t outdrink him. In fact he wasn’t drinking anything but lots of water and kept asking the music to be turned up so he could dance.

I hope this clears up the rumour.