This week, I’ve skipped my morning drink at the local and have been attending the Federal Court case between ASADA, Essendon and James Hird.

The first day, I arrive in Federal Court 6K early to ensure I get a seat. The court is not that full yet, except from some journalists.

I can tell they are journalists because their suits aren’t good enough for them to be lawyers.

As the court fills up, I see James and Tania Hird enter and a bit later Paul Little.

Everyone is looking at James and Tania and they do a good job of pretending not to notice, until I wave and yell out ‘hi’.

They have no idea who I am and security tells me to sit down or I’ll be asked to leave.

Finally the judge enters and everyone stands up. It’s weird, he has no entrance music or anything.

Opening Statements

Justice Middleton starts by saying he is ready to hear opening statements.

He makes a joke about the ball bouncing and I laugh. I’m the only one though and everyone stares at me.

Essendon’s lawyer, Neil Young QC begins his opening statement.

He seems to be very pro-Essendon and not a fan of the ASADA/AFL joint investigation.

As he speaks, Tania is sitting next to James, explaining the big words to him. She is furiously taking notes.

Justice Middleton asks Essendon's lawyer Neil Young, to speak more slowly for the benefit of the journalists in the room.

He does speak slower, but refers to a ‘Faustian compact’ immediately losing everyone except the legal teams and Tania Hird.

Young really goes the AFL and ASADA. He seems to have nothing good to say about them.

Next up is James Hird’s lawyer, Peter Hanks. He also doesn’t seem to be a fan of the joint investigation. He says some really mean things about it.

I look at ASADA’s lawyers to see if they are getting upset, but they seem to not care at all.

It seems to me that the key criteria to be a top lawyer is to be a middle aged white guy.

There are a few female lawyers here, but they’re in the minority. The guy next to me mentions that Tania Hird is a lawyer. That probably explains all the notes, I say.

My advice is that if watching middle aged white guys talking is your thing, then a Federal Court case is the place for you.

I’m getting bored. The problem so far seems to be too much focus on the legislation and not enough on raw emotion.

These lawyers are just obsessed with legislation. It’s all they seem to care about.

It's like they don’t even care about all the arguments that have been made on Twitter and in the media.

Ally McBeal has seriously misled me on how interesting a court case is. No one has yet said, “Objection!” and no one has fallen in love (to my knowledge).

I also discovered that the toilets here are not unisex. Embarrassing.

Hird’s lawyer is wrapping up his opening argument, saying, "I'd like to refer your Honour to a tweet some guy sent at 10.38pm on a Saturday that clearly states that James Hird is innocent."

Justice Middleton says he places extra weight on this piece of evidence because it was retweeted 18 times and favourited 32 times.

Hanks adds it was also put up in an online forum where more people commented favourably on it. Middleton makes a note of this.

For the first time, the ASADA lawyers look worried and I hear one of them say to another, “you told me to look on Friendster not Twitter.”

ASADA Strikes Back

Finally it’s ASADA’s turn and their lawyer Tom Howe QC starts to lay out a more pro-ASADA story.

Turns out he’s actually a big fan of the joint investigation and an even bigger fan of legislation. He starts talking about clauses and international law. He even knows the numbers of the clauses!

Paul Little almost nods off and I’m not far behind him.

Howe says parts of Essendon's defence are 'nonsense on stilts.’

This is big trouble for Essendon.

Stilts are illegal in the AFL. If the Bombers fielded drugged up players on stilts, they will have the book thrown at them.

It would explain some of their form back in 2012, though.

Howe spends a lot of time criticising Essendon and James Hird’s arguments.

I try and warn him, whispering, “They’re right behind you,” but he either can’t hear me or doesn’t care.

Secret Tape

A verbal argument breaks out over a secret tape recording of an ASADA briefing to the players.

ASADA say the tape was made without their permission and are very angry.

It’s getting heated, some pushing and shoving starts and now it’s a brawl. The gallery breaks out in fighting too.

Tania grabs a chair and swings it at the closest ASADA lawyer, but accidentally collects Paul Little.

Pieces of the chair go flying. Paul seems hurt, but I can’t tell as someone grabs me in a headlock. It’s one of the few female lawyers.

She’s really strong and I can’t escape.

I lose consciousness.

When I come to, order has been restored. Sawdust covers the floor to hide the blood and the female lawyer apologises to me explaining she thought I was a lawyer for the Hirds.

She asks if I’m free for dinner. I say yes because she terrifies me.

The dinner does not go well and I can’t meet her eyes for the next two days in court.