Yesterday, the AFL took the step of releasing the timeline surrounding Ryan Crowley positive test for a banned substance.

However, the timeline had alarming gaps in it. Luckily, a more complete timeline has been leaked.

July 13: Sample taken

August 11: 'A' Test done

August 13: AFL panics and tips off David Evans. Evans points out he doesn't work in football anymore. He also tells them to ‘get stuffed’.

August 16: A crisis meeting decides to wait for 'B' test before trying to cover everything up.

August 18: Player told 'A' Test result

August 20: Hit man hired to take out 'problem individuals' if 'B' sample confirmed. $500,000 paid up front with another $500,000 on completion.

August 23: Hit man disappears with the money. Turns out it wasn’t a hit man but an Auskick coordinator who had come in to ask for some footballs. Now believed to be in South America.

September 11: 'B' Test confirmed

September 13: A meeting involving representatives of the AFL, the Illuminati, big pharma, David King, the CIA and Vladimir Putin decide to ensure the AFL Grand Final is not overshadowed by the news.

Group also decides to keep AFL being shown in Standard Definition 'for the laughs.'

September 14: David King places a bet that Ryan Crowley will test positive for a banned substance.

September 18: Show Cause Notice issued. This is the fastest time ever for ASADA.

September 19- 24 Someone reads Crowley the Show Cause notice, explains the big words.

September 25: Provisional ban

November 15: AFL write to ASADA asking if they can ‘keep this one quiet.’

November 30: Hearing nothing from ASADA, the AFL breaks into the lab where the samples are held. Unfortunately, they mistakenly steal several paternity tests bringing down several court cases in Moe.

January 14: Another crisis meeting held in the broom cupboard at AFL HQ. More just for fun than for anything relevant here.

February 19: Meeting between AFL and Fremantle. Ryan Crowley tags along but just ends up annoying everyone at the meeting. Has to be forcibly removed after tackling Gillon to the floor and holding him there for an uncomfortable period of time.

March 9: Vladimir Putin secretly flies to Australia in a last ditched effort to keep the issue covered up.

Putin attempts to ‘shirtfront’ ASADA but can’t get past the receptionist.

His efforts are further frustrated when he discovers that to even be considered for shirtfronting ASADA, there are seven forms and two interviews.

Putin leaves Australia after concerns he is dead intensify back in Russia. “I am sorry Gillon,” he says, “say hello to Andy D for me.”

March 16: Announcement of positive test

March 17: ASADA respond to AFL’s request to ‘keep this quiet.’ They write, “Thank you for you’re letter dated the 15th of November. We acknowledge its receipt and it has been referred to the correct department. Expect a response in late 2018.”