Dear Dean

At the end of the season I like to sit down at my desk in the den at one of my homes, get out the old fountain pen and write letters to people about how I thought they did during the year.

This hasn’t always been a popular approach and I can remember Sheeds forcing me to literally eat my own words after my rookie year. Have you ever had to eat a 12-page letter Dean? Not ideal.

Looking back at the season you had Dean; I would have to compare it to the Third Season of The O.C.

That is, both disappointing and confusing. Of course Marissa didn’t die during our season but if she’d been trained by you she probably would have.

Actually season two of The O.C. wasn’t that great either. Season one was so good, though.

Jobe Watson is the first season of The O.C. In fact, compared to you he’s The Wire and Breaking Bad rolled together.

You see, when Bomber told me we needed to get you to Essendon I listened carefully.

He really sold you.

I asked him about your background and he mentioned you’d been a Rodeo Clown and steer wrestler.

“Are you serious?” I remember thinking but I trusted Bomber back then. Now I think a poster of Allen Jackovich could have coached those Geelong sides to Premierships.

Then you came on board and someone told me your nickname.

Now I’d be lying if that didn’t raise a red flag. I mean if you’re a former Rodeo Clown called ‘The Weapon’, you’d better be in the WWE.

Then I heard you’d given yourself that nickname. I didn’t even know how to respond to that.

Giving yourself a nickname is just something you should never do. If you’re going to break that rule, then make sure it’s self-effacing or just adding an ‘o’ to the end of your surname. Even then, you still shouldn’t do it.

But ‘The Weapon’?

I don’t think so. I mean its like ‘The Situation’ never happened for you.

When I first heard a few of the players referring to you as ‘The Wep’, I just let it go but I was not happy.

You may find it strange that I’ve spent the first few pages of this letter, which is in effect a performance review, focusing on your nickname.

I could instead focus on the 25 soft-tissue injuries and the 70 odd matches missed. Perhaps we could talk about the total fade out at the end of the season as we put out a team that was both injury riddled and fatigued.

Either way, all roads lead back to the nickname. To have a self-proclaimed nickname like ‘The Weapon’ you’d want us to have won the Premiership.

It’s why I’ve always called you Dean and later in the season ‘hey you’ or ‘that rodeo clown.’

Yet now is the time we should both look forward at how we can turn things around.

The first thing we’ll do is have you work with an old friend of mine, Danny Corcoran who I’m bringing into the club.

I don’t want you to feel threatened by Danny even though he is going to be doing a job eerily similar to yours.

You’ll learn a lot from Danny. Firstly you’ll learn how to do a nickname.

It’s ‘Danny’, a simple shortening, nothing fancy. No matter what you do, no one is going to turn around and say, “Gee it was really arrogant to call yourself ‘Danny’.”

So there you are, Dean. I hope reading this letter has been as cathartic for you as it has been for me writing it. It feels good getting these things off my chest, doesn’t it?

Now I’m going to write Bomber’s letter. It won’t be as positive as yours.

Regards

James Hird