An AFL guide for the conduct of players aged five to 12, titled “This is Our Game’’ has been released.

The new rule see up to 150 leagues play with no scoreboard, no winning or losing and no ladder. Referred to as the Melbourne Model’, it’s designed to prepare kids for neither AFL nor life in general.

Here’s a run through of the new rules:

• Games begin with ‘hugging time.’ Every player to give a 3-second hug to every other player. STRICTLY NO PARENTS
• The 1st Quarter is ‘feelings time’. Every player is to talk about how they are feeling to the ‘friendship circle’.
• The 2nd Quarter is ‘pass the ball in a circle’. It’s like pass the parcel but there is no wrapping and no winner. Everyone gets to hold the ball this way.
• Halftime sees everyone ‘brainstorm’ reasons why ‘winning’ is not important and how in real life everyone is winner.
• The 3rd Quarter is fairness indoctrination. Players are forced to recite ‘life is fair’ over and over for twenty minutes plus time on.
• The 4th Quarter allows a game of AFL to occur but with no goal posts and in a controversial move, no ball. Players are told to imagine a game where everyone on both teams works together to not achieve anything.

Seeing these rules made me realise the end of the world has begun. We are so screwed.