Dear Diary

The last few weeks have been a nightmare of Clive Palmer’s Titanic 2 sized proportions.

As you know diary, the only things I value in this life are winning and discipline. All these have been in short supply recently.

Where do I start?

How about Heath Shaw showing up to work fat? I mean, really?

His whole job revolves around doing physical exercise every day and he puts on weight? That’s actually quite hard to do.

I’ve been retired six years and still have no fat on my entire body. Scientists tell me this is actually physically impossible when they come to study me from around the world.

Anyway, I had to leave him out of the team. I wonder if we can offload him to Melbourne? Though surely they’re starting to catch on by now.

Then we played the Swans.

Normally, losing that badly would plunge Nathan into a pit of despair.

This time however I was too horrified by the fact one of our fans called Adam Goodes an ape.

There really is no excuse for doing something like that. Ignorance of the term’s deep historic meaning is not an excuse and doesn’t make it right.

Of course Eddie found a better excuse. He explained to the media that she was from country Victoria.

Not sure of his logic to be honest.

Is he saying it’s ok to be racist if you live in the country or is he saying we should cut people from the country some slack because they’re all a bit backwards and don’t know any better?

Not exactly a strong position to argue from I would have thought.

Of course, this could have blown over if Eddie hadn’t then gone on to make his King Kong Gaffe.

Diary, you know my position on musicals. They bring nothing but pain and suffering.

And who makes a musical about King Kong? I bet Eddie fired the producer that set up that segment.

Of course, Eddie figures the best way to fix a problem when you say something really stupid is to do media appearance after media appearance.

Harry O then goes the biff on Eddie, which was fair enough really.

The media then tie themselves in knots trying to outdo themselves on analysing racism from their high horses.

Unfortunately, the best they can do is break it down into formal and casual racism. What’s next: smart casual racism? Semi-formal racism?

I would say that the media pontificating about casual racism is the pot calling the kettle black but I won’t because Nathan doesn’t do gaffes.

Diary, it’s incredibly distracting when a deep, complex issue like racism enters your week.

In my mind, anything that distracts from football is wrong. Hence racism is wrong. It’s that simple.

Better Homes and Garden is also therefore wrong. So are musicals.

By the time Friday rolls around, I’m just happy to be able to reach the sanctuary of the coaches’ box.

It’s then my phone rings.

It’s Travis Cloke’s Dad.

He lets me know Travis has a bit of a sniffle and won’t be playing tonight.