In the wake of last year’s ‘supplements scandal,’ which is fortunately all over thanks to the swift work of ASADA, Essendon are now advertising for an ‘Integrity Officer.’

Always looking for a bit of extra money in my spare time, I’ve written the following application. Once you read it, you’ll know I’m a sure thing.

Dear Chairman Little

I’m writing to you regarding the ‘Integrity Officer Role,’ that I saw people making jokes about on social media recently.

I strongly believe that I could possibly do that job if you are looking for a very cheap option.

Skimming over bits of the ad, it’s clear to me that I’m a perfect fit for the job.

I’m familiar with the trouble “potentially” illegal supplements can bring to a club.

As a passionate Melbourne fan, I’m also familiar with making it all go away like nothing ever happened.

I’m not saying I had any involvement with that but let’s just say, a few AFL and ASADA people are enjoying unlimited access to a few of my many ski lodges.

Another positive I would bring to the role is my complete lack of medical experience at all.

I Googled ‘supplements’ and after reading a bit on Wikipedia about them, I still don’t really know what they are.

This lack of medical background makes me distrustful of doctors and medical professionals.

As your Integrity Officer, I’ll never let a player receive medical attention of any sort.

Personally, I believe there are few injuries in the modern game that can’t be fixed by ‘walking it off.’ Anything more serious can usually be cured with leeches.

This lack of modern medicine in the club should see us free and clear of any breaches of anti-doping laws.

The downside is, it might also see us free and clear of playing in finals. Hardly a change then.

I’ve also stolen a heap of HR policies from a place I used to work at. These stolen documents will underpin our new commitment to integrity. Don’t worry, I’ll do a ‘find and replace’ in Word so no one will ever know where they came from.

Importantly, I’ve also got extensive experience appearing in various courts across the country.

I don’t think there’s a jurisdiction in Australia where I haven’t had to front up to court in some capacity.

There would be few judges in Australia who wouldn’t have met me or at least read about me in case law.

Lastly, I can promise you that as Integrity Officer, I will do everything and anything to stop any breaches of our new policies and procedures coming to light. You don’t ask how I do this and I will only ask for money when it’s needed.

I look forward to your reply and I can produce references from any person you’d like, as long as it’s in writing and you don’t need to speak to them.

Looking forward to working with you.

Titus