Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Sydney (79) v Collingwood (80)

The footy gods are drunk. Very drunk.

This season is so all over the joint I have no idea who is good and who is bad. I mean, I usually have no idea, but this time it’s something else.

I didn’t even know this was possible, but my tips this round went into the negatives.

Two things surprised me in this game, the Pies winning obviously, but also how putrid the Swans were.

Their skills seemed like those of a team that has never been anywhere near a Grand Final, let alone last year’s.

It was meant to be a showcase for Buddy Franklin’s 250^th, but it was less showcase and more butcher’s window, as the Swans kept turning the ball over, under what it must be recognised as great pressure by the Pies.

Sydney can point to a lot of injuries, but it seemed Collingwood had the answers anyway, even in the final quarter when the Swans got back in front.

The big question now is, does this give Pies fans hope or false hope? Let’s hope it's false of we’re all going to be eating humble pie for years.

North Melbourne (67) v Greater Western Sydney (109)

To think the Giants kicked 15.19 in this game. It could have been even more brutal than it was.

It means the Giants have blown away their last two opponents, following that opening loss to Adelaide. That opening loss lulled everyone into a false sense of security.

Their percentage is the second best in the league, so everyone can dust off those ‘the Giants are here to kill us and everyone we love’ opinion pieces they’d filed away.

Josh Kelly finished with 31 disposals in a display that would have made North even more desperate to land him. Unfortunately, the Kangaroos performance probably made him less likely to want to go there.

It means North are winless this season, and you must go back to 30 July 2016 for their last regular season win. Last year, North gave up winning in the second half of the season, perhaps this year they can collect the whole set.

They now play the Bulldogs on Good Friday but having seen this game; you must wonder what’s good about it.

Richmond (76) v West Coast (65)

Let the record show how I've always backed the Tigers to do well this season. Not the official record but the second set of books Brian Waldron keeps for me.

If I can be honest with you, and I feel I can because we’ve grown close over the years, I’m still not sold on Richmond, but I’m at least starting to think I could be wrong.

Yes, I’m often wrong, but rarely about Richmond, but here they are 3-0 and second on the ladder.

One thing that struck me in this game is that the factory churning out Riolis needs to be shut down. It's just not fair for the teams that don't have Riolis.

That would be true equalisation; every team gets a Rioli.

Daniel Rioli’s goal from the boundary was a thing of beauty; further proof footy is the most beautiful art form ever created. More arts funding for the footy I say. Those arts hogging all the government grants. When do sports stars get recognised in this country?

Adam Simpson said his team’s ‘poor intent’ around the stoppages was the problem.

He meant that your intent as an AFL footballer should not be ‘just get out of Dustin Martin’s way’ even if that what most sensible people would do.

I do enjoy that every time a team tags Sam Mitchell it seems to work, as Richmond did here, and still, people say there’s no point tagging him.

Oh, other midfielders will step up instead they say. Well OK, but let them prove that and then adapt. Letting Mitchell run around setting up attacks always seemed an odd coaching tactic to adopt.

Anyway, on a cold and wet Monday morning in Melbourne, a lot of people seem to be seeking shelter on the Richmond Bandwagon.

Geelong (126) v Melbourne (97)

Why do you do this to me, Melbourne? All I do is hand you money and affection, and this is how you repay me?

This was in some ways an entertaining game, but Melbourne’s ability to miss easy shots of goal made me wish I had never been born.

Things looked bad early on for the Dees when Max Gawn went off with what turned out to be a nasty hamstring tear. I am on record offering to massage Max Gawn's hamstrings and now that one of them is injured that seems less weird.

Geelong started off well, but for much of the third quarter, they looked like a boxer on the ropes, lucky their opponent couldn’t land the knockout blow.

At one stage, the Geelong fan next to me started laughing, the nervous, relieved laughter of someone dodging a bullet, except this time it was multiple bullets, like Neo in The Matrix.

Melbourne fans knew that we would just punch ourselves out after we missed easy shot after easy shot and with Jack Watts finally spent filling in as ruck, the Cats rolled over the Dees in the most predictable outcome of the entire round.

It turns out the Dees could have used ‘Smokin’ Jesse Hogan.

Port Adelaide (83) v Adelaide (100)

Port Adelaide still don’t suck. Sure, they lost on this day but to paraphrase Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, that doesn’t mean they have to like it.

In front of a massive crowd, the Crows showed they are the real deal, against a Power side that didn’t just fluke the opening two rounds.

This match had everything, including a live re-enactment of the Ramsgate brawl in the stands between some fans.

Apparently, the Power fans started spitting on some Crows fans. Some people said this showed Power fans in a bad light, but I’m not sure it shifted anyone’s opinions.

Rory Sloane was everywhere, while Tex Walker booted a 65-meter goal that finished off the Power in the last quarter.

The biggest concern for the Power is Paddy Ryder got reported for striking Riley Knight. I would have thought Paddy had already missed enough football.

Fremantle (89) v Western Bulldogs (73)

Well, the Bulldogs dynasty was nice while it lasted.

If you missed it, Luke Beveridge was asked after the game if he would consider bringing Will Minson back next week. The only problem was he’s retired.

We've all made similar mistakes. Only recently did I stop calling for Melbourne to select Allen Jakovich. It turns out he left the club back in 1994.

To be fair, it’s not the dumbest question I’ve heard a footy journalist ask, it probably wasn’t even the dumbest of that media conference.

Luke Beveridge made the team run back from Perth, so frustrated was he with their lack of intensity.

I mean, this is Fremantle. They’ve been so rubbish that even they were putting four-year timelines on being good again.

Perhaps they just remembered that to have a chance of winning, you had to try.

It could also be that not having Zac Dawson in your team is the equivalent of bringing in five-star players.

Either way, the ASADA testers will be flying to Perth as we speak. They will not need to test the Doggies for anything performance enhancing.

St Kilda (107) v Brisbane (76)

For the second week in a row, the Saints kicked with the accuracy of my tee shot.

Luckily, they were playing Brisbane, so while it made this closer than it should have been, they picked up the win.

Leigh Montagna said he was not showing disrespect when he held onto the ball in the goal square and waited for an opponent to come near before booting a goal.

It’s strange he said that when we have footage of him doing just that from several angles.

He said he was taking time off the clock, but that is the most ridiculous excuse I’ve heard from an AFL player that didn’t involve a dog.

It took off about five seconds, when there were over nine minutes to go. Alan Richardson to his credit didn’t like it either.

Nick Riewoldt returned from a knee injury that looked like being a career ender and instead booted three goals with 12 marks and 28 possessions. He has Wolverine’s healing ability.

Brisbane wasn't awful compared to the last few years standards, but it’s going to be a long road this season. At least people are having fun making terrible McCluggage puns.

Carlton (57) v Essendon (42)

This was played in terrible conditions, and for once I’m not referring to the talent on the ground, I’m talking about the weather.

It poured for most of the game, and it meant this was like watching two drunks fight, a lot of action but not much landing.

You have got to give credit to Marc Murphy. He cops a lot of flak, but I’ve always considered that harsh considering most of his career has been played surrounded by people whose skills in life don’t include playing footy.

Captaining Carlton in recent years would be like organising a karaoke competition on a cruise ship. Difficult to get people to follow orders and they can’t do what’s being asked of them anyway.

Considering the Blues were completely written off after not even playing a game this season, this would have felt good.

Essendon, on the other hand, would be disappointed not to have kept up their early momentum, losing what was a winnable contest.

It was like the Bombers, knowing they had the superior skills, never adapted their play to the conditions.

The weather meant the Bombers midfield was slower and their forwards didn’t have the marking advantage they should have enjoyed.

Now they have the Crows in Adelaide, meaning the comeback story could be in danger of being just that, a story.

Gold Coast (139) v Hawthorn (53)

Seriously Suns? As if my tips weren’t a big enough train wreck already, you pull this nonsense.

The Suns are meant to be done. On and off the field. In fact, the buzzards were circling ahead of the game.

The Tasmanian Premier said they were ready to accept the Gold Coast Suns if they go under. That's nice.

In a similar vein then, I'd like to announce that I'm ready to accept Beyoncé when things go south with Jay-Z.

The Hawks sure copped it after this game. It seems everyone wants to kick someone while they’re down but when you think about it, that makes sense. It’s very hard to kick someone while they’re standing up. For starters, they could kick back.

A lot of people are blaming the Hawks woes on Ty Vickery (as well as Richmond’s success), but that’s not fair. It takes non-performances across the board to suck this completely.

Mitchell and Lewis or even Mitchell Lewis would not have been able to do much in this insipid display.

Hawthorn fans say this is the necessary pain for the rebuild but wouldn't you have tried to at least get something the for the players you traded out? Especially considering your first-round draft pick now belongs to St Kilda?

The Saints won twice on the weekend really.

It seems like Hawthorn are doing a rebuild without any tools.

"Just use your hands to push the nails in."

It's so bonkers, it's like Cameron Schwab is advising the club.

The Suns really needed this. Who would have thought that playing the Hawks is now considered a confidence booster?

Sydney people, I'm coming to Sydney to do a show on, Friday, April 21st at The Comedy Store. Tickets are now on sale and available here: http://www.comedystore.com.au/index.php?option=com_eventlist&view=details&id=414

Other dates for other cities to be announced soon.

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