Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spreadsheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want an irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You’ve come to the right place.
Geelong (81) v Port Adelaide (79)
Port Adelaide failed to overcome a rampant umpiring unit on Thursday night despite a brave effort.
It was a masterclass in home ground advantage from the umpires, even rewarding Joel Selwood for dropping to his knees in tackles, like the Selwood ducking rule was never introduced.
Port, despite the loss, showed they are a very good side this season, even away from the confines of Shanghai.
The Power pushed the Cats all night, and when they are in trouble, the Cats turn to Patrick Dangerfield and Joel Selwood.
It turns out that’s a decent plan B, with Dangerfield booting three goals, including the winner and Selwood grabbing 33 possessions.
The win was watched by members of the Cats’ 2007 premiership side. Surprisingly, their corporate box was slightly less pro-Geelong than the Channel Seven commentary box.
Sydney (75) v Hawthorn (81)
Indigenous Round produced some terrific performances from the game’s Indigenous players, Buddy Franklin and Shaun Burgoyne being prime examples in this game.
Buddy had five goals and was wearing the number 67 in honour of the 1967 Referendum, which amended the constitution to include Aboriginal people in the census and allow the Commonwealth to create laws for them.
It’s amazing that was just fifty years ago, but luckily it fixed everything and racism is now just a thing of the past, especially in the AFL.
This was as entertaining contest, as both these sides attempted to stave off the reality they aren’t very good anymore.
Sydney were meant to be on the way back, with an improbable charge at the finals but late goals to Burgoyne and Jarryd Roughead means Swans fans will be confronted with the harsh reality that you don’t get to play finals every year.
One thing I would advise when your team isn't playing finals is to be bitter about it. That’s worked for me. I stay angry and let it infect my working life and my relationships.
I’m not saying it’s a great piece of advice, but it’s easy to stick with.
Hawthorn fans would have enjoyed this win; it would have been a flashback to when the Hawks did these sorts of things against good teams.
Western Bulldogs (90) v St Kilda (50)
St Kilda’s defensive unit tried an interesting experiment on the weekend, avoiding their direct opponent like they’re a crazy ex.
Bulldogs players constantly found themselves several kilometres from their opponents, often while they streamed towards goal.
Jake Stringer was the primary beneficiary of this ‘hands off’ approach to defence, booting five goals. He probably should have ended the day with thirty.
I’m not angry with the Saints, just disappointed. They are meant to be an improving side, but with Nick Riewoldt out, their forward line operated less effectively than Ticketek on a busy day.
Considering they dominated patches of this game, their inability to convert it to scoring was more frustrating than when you accidentally grab the salt reduced option of anything at the supermarket.
The win didn’t come without a cost for the Doggies though, Bob Murphy went off with a hamstring injury and as we all know, no Murphy, no Bulldogs.
Melbourne (122) v Gold Coast (87)
Interesting fact, in every game Eleni Glouftsis has umpired, a team has lost! Further proof this political correctness sickness is ruining our great game.
Melbourne fans rode the whole gamut of emotions in this one. I certainly did. I had written off the team and footy in general at half time. The Demons were playing so poorly I could not contain my frustration, and in a fit of anger, I ate my body weight in nachos.
It meant that in the third quarter when Melbourne pegged back a thirty-point deficit, I hurt myself trying to clamber back on the bandwagon and spilt nachos all over my lounge room floor.
I should have realised, that Melbourne were playing the Gold Coast Suns. A club so inept that even that even the Lions pity them.
Not only did they give up a substantial lead, they then let Melbourne pour on a big score in the final quarter with not so much as a whimper.
To put things in perspective, the Gold Coast lost to Melbourne in Alice Springs, when the Demons were favourites. If the Suns can’t win in those circumstances, they are in real trouble.
Richmond (81) v Essendon (66)
The footy gods know what all great torturers know, that you need to create uncertainty for mental anguish to set in.
Humans can deal with certainty, even if it is the certainty of a bad thing happening, it’s uncertainty we struggle with.
It’s the Richmond way, just when they lower their fans hopes to the lowest point, they lifted them back up, which makes sense because you must lift someone’s hopes up if you’re going to dash them again.
To say I was upset about this outcome is an understatement. I had a week’s worth of material that I had to shelve and won’t be able to use for at least a week.
Headline writers had it worse than me, having to delete ‘Nightmare at the ‘G’ and turn their mind to the uncharted territory of a positive Richmond headline.
Bombers fans were probably the most upset. Essendon were perfectly place, a few goals down with less than two minutes to go. Questions must be asked how they lost from there against the Tigers.
Considering it takes 20 seconds to score against the Tigers, the Bombers should have been thinking percentage at that stage.
Adelaide (143) v Washington Generals (43)
It’s hard to put into words just how inept the Dockers were in this game. Let’s just say, if you’d released a group of confused possums onto the ground, you’d have had more structure and probably a higher score.
Adelaide certainly played well, but that would be taking away from the performance of West Australia’s most embarrassing AFL side. The Dockers players were as disinterested in this game as I am towards going outside.
Even Nat Fyfe had a terrible game, with 13 clangers. He even gave away six free kicks. To be fair, it’s hard not to kick clangers when your teammates are actively working against you too.
Failing to get over 50 points is a problem for any team, but luckily Ross Lyon is a defensive mastermind and managed to restrict the Crows to just 143 points.
Collingwood (124) v Brisbane (84)
Before this started, I thought, ‘I’m not looking forward to watching this’. It was probably the first time I’ve ever been right about something involving football.
Nathan Buckley must have been very relieved. There's nothing worse than when the people around you doubt your abilities, and you're presented with what should be an easy task.
“Let’s see him stuff this one up, ” they think.
I can certainly relate.
Like the time, I was told to pick up lunch for everyone and instead, I accidentally embezzled $37 million from the company.
Luckily for Buckley, he got the task done. There were a few moments in the third quarter when it seemed the Lions were about to come bac, and you could sense the Magpies faithful getting their pitchforks ready.
There’s a reason though that the Lions currently have a percentage of 64. They started to turn the ball over again, and the Pies put them away, even with their ordinary kicking for goal.
It means we must wait another week before Collingwood’s season is plunged into crisis again.
Carlton (96) v North Melbourne (113)
North Melbourne managed to hold onto a lead! It’s a modern-day miracle and goes to show that this season is not interested in past performance.
Who knows what could happen next? North Melbourne may even play the second half of the season this year.
Considering the Kangaroos were up by 45 points in the second quarter, the fact that this got close is a concern.
Yet, it’s important to focus on the fact they did work things out themselves, rather than the difficulty they had in doing so. Like when you praise a child for managing to dress themselves for the first time, even though they injured themselves on the first few attempts.
Considering Carlton started off so badly, it was amazing they got back into the game at all.
It highlights an important life lesson, that if at first, you struggle, don’t go to your room and eat several tubs of ice cream, just keep trying, you can get back in the game.
You’ll still lose though. Life is hard, get used to it.
West Coast (90) v Greater Western Sydney (98)
West Coast have often been accused of being 'flat track bullies' for their ability to destroy teams at home and then lose disastrously away.
I always thought the way to combat that accusation was for them to start winning away from home but I see they've discovered another way.
Adding the versatility of losing both at home and away may solve one problem but it raises another, the fact that Eagles supporters demand success like most people demand oxygen.
This was a fantastic game. The final quarter was footy at its best, with lead change after lead change and heroic efforts all over the field.
I’m required by an AFL directive to mention the Giants were undermanned in this game, meaning they had to play some younger first round superstars instead of the injured ones.
The same AFL directive says I must mention that Alex Rance is arguably the best fullback of all time, even though this isn’t a section about Richmond.
The Eagles had a major injury problem themselves, with Josh Kennedy going down with a calf injury. It meant West Coast fans will be left wondering what might have been if he had stayed healthy.
Instead, Toby Greene booted the Giants home in what was arguably the game of the season.
Losing is hard enough but Toby Greene doing it to you is like someone breaking up with you in front of your friends. The hurt is next level.
Now the Eagles must travel to the Gold Coast, and they better bounce back or the usually easy going Eagles fans could turn nasty.
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
laurie brennan
May 29, 2017
Dear Titusor Ily
At least you got the Eagles a bit right this week. It was a great game EEye)
Sam J
May 29, 2017
"I’m required by an AFL directive to mention the Giants were undermanned in this game, meaning they had to play some younger first round superstars instead of the injured ones" - Thank you Titus! The Giants winning this with the amount of first round picks they've got is about as brave as a trust fund kid pitching in $500 of his own money so he can upgrade from a C-Class to an E-Class.
Tony
May 29, 2017
Your summary of the travesty at Geelong is so spot on I thought about making a significant financial contribution to your blog. Just thinking about it was very rewarding for me.
Roger Roger
May 29, 2017
As an aside, I barrack for the Tigers against any team now. Just in the hope I'm not subjected to the usual BS and media frenzy that you enjoy Titus, and that seems to pollute my sports reading & watching for days afterwards when they lose. Surely Melbourne and its consistent inconsistencies (even within a game as we saw on Saturday) is a more worthier target of derision.
Clive Waterhouse's underpants
May 29, 2017
was it an AFL record for the most players wearing no 67 - surely that is a stat someone must have mentioned? It was good to see few dockers jumpers involved in singing a half decent club song tho
Mouse Croghan
May 29, 2017
Do you have something against the Crows? Every single week the section on our game is the shortest and with the lest mentions of them. Even though we are top of the ladder and according to Leigh Matthews "the real deal". We get that one eyed VFL pundits don't acknowledge any other teams but come ON.
Tony
May 29, 2017
Doesn't everyone have something against the Crows?
Crows fan
May 29, 2017
95% of anything said here is negative, so if he's not saying much it's a good thing.
Shaun
May 29, 2017
Hilarious as always. Although with less Port Adelaide bashing than normal. and Richmond bashing. And collingwood bashing.
John Nicholls
May 29, 2017
Nachos, possums, torturers. Titus, you are such a deep thinker, but you manage to talk about footy in ways I can understand. That's your great skill, you always find a way. Like Carlton when they were good.
keith
May 29, 2017
Bombers fans weren't the only ones thinking percentage with 2 minutes to go.
Margaret (Maggie)
May 29, 2017
Quite fancy the picture of the black-and-white faithful getting there pitchforks out. Roll on next week.
John
May 29, 2017
No Murphy no Bulldogs? Did he play in the GF?
Gene Gene the Dancing Machine
May 29, 2017
What have you got against the Washington Generals?
Delmore
May 29, 2017
Brilliant pick up young Johnny. Now lets have a think about what that funny man Titus might have been trying to say?
Delmore
May 29, 2017
"...failed to overcome a rampant umpiring unit on Thursday night despite a brave effort.
It was a masterclass in home ground advantage from the umpires, even rewarding Joel Selwood for dropping to his knees in tackles, like the Selwood ducking rule was never introduced."
Well observed Titus. But tell me did you just cut and paste this from the week before?
Suzie
May 29, 2017
Ahhh no Murphy no bulldogs? What happened on 1st October again?
Suzie
May 29, 2017
Ahhh no Murphy no bulldogs? What happened on 1st October again?
Psycho Crows Fanatic
May 29, 2017
Mouse Croghan has clearly undergone ironic humour bypass surgery
Hawkerbhoy
May 29, 2017
Point very well made
SUZIE & JOHN'S SARCASM BYPASS
May 29, 2017
"As we all know, no Murphy, no Bulldogs".
Surely, having read the rest of these match reports you two would have worked out Titus is taking the pi$$ with the above statement.
It's called sarcasm. A bit like somebody writing: "Wow, Suzie and John are amazing at not taking satire literally."
Merri
May 29, 2017
So have Suzie and John.
Bob Murphy's knee
May 29, 2017
Lol @ John. Sorry Titus, you were great, but John's comment is hard to beat
Paul from Pearcedale
May 29, 2017
Dude, grab a sarcasm stick and anally rape yourself with it until you get it.
Riodney Rude
May 29, 2017
Get over it. We havehad only 2 or 3 more round 1 picks than the Suns. We have DOUBLE the membership, managed our list better and will win many flags before they ever do. That is depsite that Western Sydney would be far less appealing than the Gold Coast. Building a club from the ground up requires some concessions to promote the CODE/GAME....do you expect GWS or the Suns to wallow in 17th & 18th place forever and allow your pathetic cynicism to foster? GWS have double the members of the Suns, and 13 NRL clubs. #never surrender #giantsarecoming
broken bones
May 29, 2017
the dockers just had a bye a few weeks early
Michelle
May 29, 2017
On this blog the less said about your club the better. There's a reason Richmond and Collingwood get talked about more. They're both hilariously bad.
Randall
May 29, 2017
As a dockers fan, and an eagles hater, you nailed both games beautifully :)
Clappdawg
May 29, 2017
...I for one am very happy with my team's limited airtime. You're doing a great job Titus. #weflyundertheradarasone
Tiggy Ruckle
May 29, 2017
Glad you commented twice to get your message across Suzie.
Andrew
May 29, 2017
You're starting with the assumption that having teams on the Gold Coast and in Western Sydney is a good thing, which it's not.
Brisbane used to have a star-studded team too, just like they used to have fans. That's what your future holds, but no doubt you'll be back on the Wanderers by then.
Literally Confused
May 29, 2017
1) it isn't possible to eat your body weight in nachos, surely you would become ill
2) why are you always negative about the Generals, the Globetrotters are an outstanding team and there's no shame in losing to them
3) why are you always so negative about the Bombers, Cats, Hawks, Dees, Pies, Port, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, North, Carlton, and several other teams, including Fremantle, west coast, Gold Coast, and so on. It's not fair!
4) maybe check your facts, Bob Murphy actually didn't play in the Grand Final when the Bulldogs won! So I'm pretty sure that it is possible that they can without him playing for them. They did that day, and it was quite a big game. And he didn't play.
5) you're articles are silly and I'm not reading them anymore
Simo
May 29, 2017
Jetta getting 28 touches, 2 goals and 800 metres is going to make it hard to make him the scapegoat for this loss, but we will find a way.
B0ydmaniac
May 29, 2017
Noooooo, nothing one sided about the umpiring performance on Thursday night whatsoever. And well yes there's manhandled - we've seen that many times before. But nosiree that wasn't triple penetration of the persuasion that mysteriously pops-up on my computer screen from time to time. It's not as though Robbie Gray's baby will arrive in 9 months time or the police have long since told Robbie they no longer accept "it was late at night my back was turned, there were 3 of them and they were all wearing yellow" on the case report.. Personally I would prefer the umps just give him a little cuddle and kiss after they have finished with him. Call me old fashioned but "It would appear" that the umpires and I are not watching the same type of movies. But that's just me
Stephen
May 29, 2017
Might I suggest that in adjudicating deliberate OOB and rushed behinds our men in whatever colour they wear these days could take a leaf out of our civil law? I am talking about the "Reasonable Man Test", i.e. "What would a reasonable man do in these circumstances". This would be far less controversial than trying to gauge their intent. Surely all the Reasonable Men in the crowd would then agree with every decision!
Cel
May 29, 2017
I agree, GWS have been well managed and deserve success. The Suns have some explaining to do. And I'm West Coast fan.
Cel
May 29, 2017
Prior to the Essendon debacle and this week West Coast had one something like 17 home and away games in a row excluding the MCG. They beat Crows and Port in Adelaide, GWS in Sydney and everybody in Etihad and yet the "flat track bully" tag builds. It is our lot as interstaters for Vic to downplay pur achievements.
Cel
May 29, 2017
Uh... *won
Shane
May 29, 2017
Dear Titus - I feel you may have read an inappropriate amount of books on the subject of torture before writing this edition.
Charlie Dixon
May 29, 2017
Hi does anybody here know how i can get from Kadina Park to Port Adelaide in a hurry? i'm due to train tomorrow but i lost track of time.
andrew
May 29, 2017
i think it is naive not to recognize the enormous concessions designed to export the game to NSW. salary cap concessions and draft concessions. Have much better deal than 16 other clubs even ig they have the same deal as one.
that is all people say. i hope they are a success
Radelaide Rob
May 29, 2017
Triggered much?
Radelaide Rob
May 29, 2017
Triggered much?
Milhouse Van Houten
May 29, 2017
"Melbourne fans rode the whole gamut of emotions in this one. I certainly did. I had written off the team and footy in general at half time. The Demons were playing so poorly I could not contain my frustration, and in a fit of anger, I ate my body weight in nachos."...So this is what it sounds like...when doves cry...
Kanckers
May 29, 2017
John No Murphy no Bulldogs? Did he play in the GF?
It's called humour, facetiousness or sarcasm. Did you accidentally stumble onto this blog while reading Mark Robinson?
Knackers
May 29, 2017
Suzie Ahhh no Murphy no bulldogs? What happened on 1st October again?
Where are these people coming from?
S-A-R-C-A-S-M.
F-A-C-E-T-I-O-U-S-N-E-S-S.
H-U-M-O-U-R.
Did you think the rest of the blog was serious?
Knackers
May 29, 2017
It's called sarcasm. A bit like somebody writing: "Wow, Suzie and John are amazing at not taking satire literally.
GOLD
Captain
May 29, 2017
Yes. Yes they do.
Bloke from the outer
May 30, 2017
Riodney, I wouldn't get ahead of myself if I was you. I generally find that crowing about premierships AFTER your team has won one is better than 30 years of egg on your face. (Tiges supporter so I well and truly know about not getting ahead of myself, I was there in 82)
Marcus Holt
May 30, 2017
Wow Titus, where did all the uninitiated readers come from this week? Serious case of taking you way too seriously!
In a column full of golden moments this gets my 3 votes:
"West Coast have often been accused of being 'flat track bullies' for their ability to destroy teams at home and then lose disastrously away.
I always thought the way to combat that accusation was for them to start winning away from home but I see they've discovered another way."
Bruce Munday
May 31, 2017
It would be unreasonable to expect PP supporters to have recovered from their near-death experience Sept 2007. But let me remind them of Rohan Connelly's words: 'Selwood puts his head in places where wild dogs would stand back and bark'.
Arky
May 31, 2017
The fact that the Suns have done so badly doesn't mean supporters of other clubs are going to overlook GWS having a staggering 29 first round draft picks in 6 years (more than some clubs have had in the entire history of the draft). 13 top 5 draft picks.
The Suns have made it obvious that the plan isn't foolproof, and we know that the success is needed in order to sell AFL in the rugby states- just don't expect other supporters (especially those who barrack for clubs who haven't had much recent success themselves, from Richmond to Freo) to pretend GWS is succeeding for any reason other than being handed an amazing level of concessions and then not completely screwing it up like the Suns have.
Arky
May 31, 2017
Bruce- but enough about the space between Robbie Grey's thighs.
Carolyn
May 31, 2017
He was there in spirit for the whole jouney - we saw it every week and then some