Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Collingwood (59) v Geelong (100)

Collingwood, meet reality.

After a 4-1 start the Pies found out that a wounded cat is the scariest thing of all.

By the time the Pies finished listening to Samantha Jade (I have no idea of who that is either) sing and had run through the banner, Geelong were seven goals up.

Geelong showed Collingwood that footy is quite hard when you’re not facing Carlton levels of intensity.

Like an old prizefighter with a few tricks up their sleeves, Geelong showed the Pies that you never underestimate an opponent.

Mitch Duncan was a star and finished with a game-high 38 possessions while Tom Lonergan kept Travis Cloke to two goals, although a broomstick could do that at the moment.

Collingwood showed a bit of heart sticking to the task in the second half but as LL Cool J said, ‘don’t call it a comeback,’ Geelong had just already done enough.

Geelong did have an unfair advantage though, with those northern academies and all.

North Melbourne (109) v Richmond (74)

Watching a Damien Hardwick press conference these days reminds me of watching some classmate explain why they hadn’t done their homework.

There are excuses and they are all related to how basically it’s not their fault.

Tigers fans must be getting pretty sick of it. This is after all his sixth season at the club. The Tigers are just poor. Their turnovers are really something to behold.

No wonder they give up. If every time you tried to do something, it resulted in the complete opposite of what you intended occurring, you’d be pretty demoralised too.

North played this one pretty smart, sit back and wait for your opponent to make a mistake, you’ll only be waiting a few seconds.

Lindsay Thomas kicked five goals that’s how bad Richmond were.

Western Bulldogs (87) v St Kilda (94)

First an apology to St Kilda. I didn’t think you could win this game. I especially didn’t think you could win it after I watched you play the vast majority of this match.

In fact, it’s still pretty amazing you won this and I don’t mean ‘amazing’ as in ‘this coffee is amazing,’ I mean like the way particle physics is amazing, I don’t understand it at all but I appreciate how impressive it is.

The Bulldogs led by 55-points in the third quarter. That seems like a lot of points.

It would take a big effort to get back into the game from there. Like seven unanswered goals or something crazy like that.

Of course, that’s exactly what happened and the Bulldogs were suddenly fading faster than an Australian Idol winner’s career.

David Armitage was terrific with a handy 45 possessions while Jack Billings turned the game with four goals in the second half, which was more than the Bulldogs had after half time.

For theDoggies, there were no real excuses. They had had flown back from Sydney during the week though.

I’ve heard that flight from Sydney to Melbourne is pretty tough, what with the whole taking off and almost landing straight away thing.

All the Bulldogs will be thinking about this week is the one that got away and the fact the one that got away lost to Carlton the week before.

Greater Western Sydney (108) v Hawthorn (98)

See what happens when you go around hitting people? You get hit by a karma bus subsidised by the AFL and filled with priority picks and draft concessions.

All that is wrong with the modern game was represented in the two jumpers on display in this match.

Hawthorn’s was just the worst, while GWS’ is just safety gear without the ‘it’s for saving people’s lives’ excuse.

North can take a lot of credit for this win. They kept Hodge and Lewis quiet all day.

Jeremy Cameron booted seven goals and importantly slotted one home late in the game after a string of behinds from the Giants.

Shane Mumford was probably the difference though; he just bullied the Hawks all day, which was a nice change.

It was a tense end but the Giants held on to wild scenes amongst the 13,556 at Spotless Stadium, AFL executives and Kangaroo fans.

Gold Coast (78) v Adelaide (119)

Everyone’s favourite teenage drama, The Gold Coast Suns were a little light in the player department this week.

Seems old man Eade is a tougher taskmaster than Bluey ever was and as a result half the team were in detention.

Of course, if they’re not suspended at the Suns they’re injured, so basically this was just whoever at the club had picked up a football before.

I think the backline was mainly made up of the marketing department, while accounts payable handled crumbing in the forward fifty.

Eddie Betts kicked five goals that Carlton could have really used this week.

In reality though, you’d have expected the Crows to have been a bit more emphatic in winning this one.

Melbourne (50) v Sydney (88)

How can a bunch of people spend so much time practicing something and still be so awful?

That was the question on my mind watching Melbourne in the first half. Sydney was great but Melbourne made so many mistakes it was hard to tell what contributed more to the gap at half time.

It seemed Jack Watts' teammates had all decided to play Sub in a powerful show of solidarity.

Tom McDonald, who I’m slowly falling in love with, was fantastic and without him Melbourne would be a lot worse than they are.

There are still too many passengers at Melbourne, especially when the pressure is on.

There is talent there though, Christian Salem was better than most of the more experienced players and Brayshaw continued to impress.

Sydney’s midfield were desperate to atone for last week’s loss and it showed, they gave their forwards more opportunities than a trust fund baby.

In a clever strategy, Longmire enacted a ‘reverse decoy’ and Kurt Tippett kicked the goals. No one was expecting that.

Fremantle (80) v Essendon (52)

Calm down everyone. James has totally got this; it’s all part of the plan that he came up with three years ago.

Essendon are on the slide and their grey away jumpers are clearly the problem. Maybe they could do some white and red glitter thing like Hawthorn’s.

In many ways this was like watching a rodeo rider hanging onto a bucking bronco, the Bombers just hung on as Freo did everything to knock them off.

While the Bombers managed to avert being thrown clear and trampled, it was clear that they were at no stage going to win this.

Fremantle are currently a level above the rest of the competition and Fyfe, Mundy and Neale just dominate in the middle.

Fyfe is pretty much impossible to tackle. He brushes off grown men like they’re ragdolls. It’s actually pretty funny, except when it’s against your team.

Anyway, just hand the Dockers the premiership and let’s get on with the draft.

Carlton (75) v Brisbane (84)

Don't feel bad Carlton, It’s always hard to beat the Lions at Etihad. Well, in the early 2000s it was.

The game started out with a surprise, turns out Dale Thomas isn’t retired and was just injured. Who knew?

Carlton showed they have the ability to do anything this year, if that anything involves shaving years off their supporters’ lives.

Blues fans would have been distraught to see ‘leaders’ such as Gibbs and Murphy perform disappearing acts as the game was on the line.

That’s the problem with Carlton, a lot of passengers and ‘stars’ who see hard work as an optional extra.

The fact Judd is still their best player is damning.

Brisbane finally showed some spirit and the fact a few players have returned from injury have helped.

The threat of being manhandled by Justin Leppitsch is probably a strong source of motivation and it showed.

The Lions, led by Dayne Beams and supported in the second half by former Cat Allen Christensen, enjoyed playing a midfield that surrendered when it mattered.

Port Adelaide (68) v West Coast (78)

The Eagles beating the Power really helped everyone with their tips this weekend didn’t it? Train wreck tipping from most of us this round.

This was fantastic stuff, especially towards the end. Players were just throwing themselves at the footy with no concern for their personal safety.

Angus Monfries almost knocked himself out diving on a ball, a bit of footage that quite a few other teams should watch this week.

It was clear both sides were desperate to win this in the final quarter.

For the Power, this was not in the script. This was meant to be their break out season but they still have too many moments were they seem to lose concentration.

Are the Eagles actually good? In fairness to them, they had so many injuries you were willing to no expect a lot this year, now they’re second on the ladder.

There’s a kid playing for the Eagles called Pridis, keep an eye out for him. Doesn’t get a lot of press over in the east but I reckon he’s going to be good.

West Coast has had some easy games but they’ve now beaten GWS comprehensively and Port at home.

They’ve got some young talent coming through and being in Perth, most footy fans had no idea this was coming.

Western Australian teams are one and two on the ladder and already people are complaining about Victorian teams being out. Personally, I couldn’t care less about other Victorian teams.

There’s my team and then the rest. Being parochial about Victorian teams means you’d have to want Essendon, Carlton, Hawthorn or Collingwood to do well.

No thank you.